I have always felt it was enough. I gave up the instant I felt a flutter of butterfly wings in my stomach. I gave up the instant I felt blood making its way to redden my cheeks. Because he was so wrong for me and it scares me because the feeling was so right.
I was out of my mind when I first met him. Before, he was just this nameless, lanky person I might have seen before but never noticed. I would often joke about his employment and how he'd get to be terminated one day. Then one instance drew us together. We simply held hands and kissed in one of those booze revelry. Alcohol must have crept in our souls that we didnt care how the world around us reacted to the very unlikely gesture we did. (And seriously, that incident got me thinking for a while!)
I see him every day. He would give me lip-cracking smiles. I got so occupied with the thought of our clandestine "affair". And every time I'm with him, he would keep on looking at me as if the next play was written across my forehead, every time… and I loved it.
And as if it was a miracle, I fell. It pained me so that he filled my head, that he was my first thought in the morning and the last one at night. Sometimes, I wonder if he realizes the fact that he was so special for me.
I was never a really romantic person. I frown at affectionate displays. But I love surprises. I am a sweet friend and a sweet significant other but sometimes, the lone thought of being a significant other makes me nauseous. Ironically, I fell… badly that I have upstaged both Romeo and Juliet. Got that right, it was forbidden love. Twenty-first century forbidden love--- when they say it’s okay to follow your heart and yet cling to their point well made. Personally, I would have preferred that they have said “no chance on this case, honey!” But they haven't and it makes it a lot worse to realize that the choice was mine.
So I went. I followed my heart, without thinking. It was one of the rare moments when I did not even think. I loved being around him. I loved being near him. I loved our silly talks, his smile, his eyes, his stare which burned me inside. With him, it was bliss… but without him? That was a different story.
I spent my nights thinking of us, of everything about us. How am I supposed to carry a feeling that is unfavored from the very start? What am I supposed to say to make him stay? I don’t know… I just dont know why of all people, him.. It got me thinking why I was willing to swerve from my beliefs for him. Aahhhhh, stupidity can beat the hell out of my heart and brain! Damn it!
Was I weak? Perhaps. Did I seem so desperate? May be tried so hard not to blame him for this. He had his life before he met me. All I wanted was to be part of it.
No, it wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t weak and desperate. I know now that I was just a victim of circumstance. Absurd, I know. Before, I never believed in destiny for it is, for me, another romantic notion. But it’s true; shit really happens, the type you can’t control. Well, maybe because it is just not meant to be.
And though I still hold on to his smile, to his thought, to his silly antics and text messages, I realize that as much as a wrong person truly exists a right one probably does, too. Knowing that is enough for me to move on.
I was out of my mind when I first met him. Before, he was just this nameless, lanky person I might have seen before but never noticed. I would often joke about his employment and how he'd get to be terminated one day. Then one instance drew us together. We simply held hands and kissed in one of those booze revelry. Alcohol must have crept in our souls that we didnt care how the world around us reacted to the very unlikely gesture we did. (And seriously, that incident got me thinking for a while!)
I see him every day. He would give me lip-cracking smiles. I got so occupied with the thought of our clandestine "affair". And every time I'm with him, he would keep on looking at me as if the next play was written across my forehead, every time… and I loved it.
And as if it was a miracle, I fell. It pained me so that he filled my head, that he was my first thought in the morning and the last one at night. Sometimes, I wonder if he realizes the fact that he was so special for me.
I was never a really romantic person. I frown at affectionate displays. But I love surprises. I am a sweet friend and a sweet significant other but sometimes, the lone thought of being a significant other makes me nauseous. Ironically, I fell… badly that I have upstaged both Romeo and Juliet. Got that right, it was forbidden love. Twenty-first century forbidden love--- when they say it’s okay to follow your heart and yet cling to their point well made. Personally, I would have preferred that they have said “no chance on this case, honey!” But they haven't and it makes it a lot worse to realize that the choice was mine.
So I went. I followed my heart, without thinking. It was one of the rare moments when I did not even think. I loved being around him. I loved being near him. I loved our silly talks, his smile, his eyes, his stare which burned me inside. With him, it was bliss… but without him? That was a different story.
I spent my nights thinking of us, of everything about us. How am I supposed to carry a feeling that is unfavored from the very start? What am I supposed to say to make him stay? I don’t know… I just dont know why of all people, him.. It got me thinking why I was willing to swerve from my beliefs for him. Aahhhhh, stupidity can beat the hell out of my heart and brain! Damn it!
Was I weak? Perhaps. Did I seem so desperate? May be tried so hard not to blame him for this. He had his life before he met me. All I wanted was to be part of it.
No, it wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t weak and desperate. I know now that I was just a victim of circumstance. Absurd, I know. Before, I never believed in destiny for it is, for me, another romantic notion. But it’s true; shit really happens, the type you can’t control. Well, maybe because it is just not meant to be.
And though I still hold on to his smile, to his thought, to his silly antics and text messages, I realize that as much as a wrong person truly exists a right one probably does, too. Knowing that is enough for me to move on.
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