Hey Erap!

Isn't it a wonder how just sitting for one hour in front of the TV, watching the day's news unfold, can make you just sick to your stomach? I just had the worst feeling of nausea last night. I turned on the TV and saw Joseph Estrada declaring bid and said, "“… tinatanggap ko ang hamon at hiling ng ating mga kababayan upang ibalik ang dangal ng mga api, ng mga masang Pilipino, upang ibalik ang pag-asa sa mga mahihirap, upang ibalik ang tinig ng masang Pilipino.” WTF?!?!?!?!

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Dear Joseph Ejercito "Erap" Estrada,

When the impeachment trial abruptly ended, I felt like I was left unsatisfied during a foreplay. Good thing that I somehow managed to reach the climax when you were finally ousted through the People Power 2.

But truth be told, I miss you and I wanna see you again. No, I won’t enjoy your gross private scenes with your mistresses, but I want to see you in action—in the courtroom. Not in the Malacanang Palace where you plot plans together with your minions how to hoard the Filipino people's taxes like a hunger - stricken scavenger out hunting for food on the street corner.

I want to know how a playboy Robinhood would face women as strong as Gabriela in a legal intercourse. I want to see Clarissa Ocampo and Emma Lim—among others—with their damning testimonies, bare it all and drain all the strength off you.

But now, you're thinking of snatching the presidency again? Please spare Juan dela Cruz the same demise they suffered eons ago. All the hoolabaloo on secret dollar acounts, money laundering scams, etc. among you politicians. Just stop! Being a politician meant public service, you idiot!

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I think I'm seeing the worst time of the Philippines and that it is only just beginning.

I think I'm beginning to understand why some people just go to the streets to express their frustration and disappointment.

Never was I a big fan of activists and demonstrations. The only time I appreciated what they do is when they happen to halt classes.

I think I'll join them next time they do it.

He is getting married!

I met him 8 years ago, online. He was for me the epitome of perfection. At least the perfect guy I wanted to be with. He was smart and very promising. He was my first boyfriend. He loved me with all he could and I reciprocated in ways I felt were correct. But then ours was a relationship doomed from the very start. I was childish and pointless all the time. He was too attached to his mom. I was then a delinquent brat and he also had issues. The relationship grew apart since he had to return to Iligan and I had to be in Bohol. Then out of nowhere, he just vanished. The phone calls stopped. The text messages ceased. He had dumped me without even telling me why. There was no closure. I sobbed. Wailed like hell for a good 4 months. Everyday, I asked myself why the relationship had to end that way. I broke down 'till I can't cry any harder. My world suddenly crumbled into pieces. It was the first time I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity, to let my guard down, and to be weak. Then after those months of despair, I found a job in Cebu. I met new people and found new friends. I was picking up the pieces. 5 months after working, I got an expected e-mail from him. Yep, that same guy who tore my heart into pieces. He apologized for leaving me hanging. Surprisingly, without second thoughts or bitterness, I replied telling him that I have forgiven him and that it's all in the past now. I never got a reply.

Two years after that e-mail incident, I found my way to his friendster account and added him but we never exchanged mesages or pleasantries. But it didnt take long before he deleted me from his friends list. I tried messaging him and asked why he did that but I never got a response and all I did was just speculate. Perhaps his new girlfriend didnt want me there and it didnt matter really. We both have moved on with our lives and were both happy I suppose. I found out though from an acquaintance that his had has died and I felt sorry. You see, if there was someone in his family that was really close to me, twas his dad. I had wonderful memories of him. He was such a funny and kind man. I felt so bad knowing that I wasnt even able to visit him for the last time.

Now, over 6 years after he literally walked out of my life, I heard news that he was getting married. Silence inundated the moment for I don’t know how long. But it was like the longest minute of my life and everything has suddenly stopped. I cried with melting tears for one hour. I dont know. I just felt so bad knowing that V, my first love was spending the rest of his life with someone else.

I guess it's selfishness. I think it's even bitterness. Knowing that he is happy with someone and I'm still alone left to whimper in the brush. Well, fact doesnt stand a chance against emotions anyway, right? So yeah, I am saddened by the news but then again some things are not just meant to be.

P.S

I wrote him a very long letter that had me bawling like hell. Im still thinking of whether to post it or not. *sigh*

Reproductive Health Bill

So let's go for abortion then?

Random Wordplay

So he shot me yet again another random question at YM in the midst of my solitude.

D: How do you respond if someone asks you, "Do you like me?" I felt I didnt give him the correct answer.

Is there even another answer to a question which is only answerable with a YES or a NO?

Me: If I were you, I would have just said an outright "YES!" and then continue by saying "LIKE is relative anyway, so do not misconstrue!"

Oh yes, friends can be random and crazy!

Caution

A guy took my hand once, placed it on a piece of paper, drew the outline and put the paper in his pocket. What the f*ck? I thought, confused. So I can hold your hand even when you’re not with me, that mushy guy said. I gave out a loud guffaw. Then realized, by the pained look in boylet’s face, that he was serious.

What’s wrong with me?! I asked myself later. A year ago, I would have swooned. I would have kissed him right there. But now every romantic, sentimental thing he does just feels like a joke.

Maybe you just outgrew all the romantic sentimental shit, I reasoned to my self back. Or maybe you didn't like him that much, that’s why I think he’s so funny when he’s being genuinely sweet.

I like him enough, I remembered arguing with my self, but it has none of that serendipitous shit you associate with falling in love. No fireworks, no stars in someone’s eyes. I’m just, I don’t know, I don’t want to take all this romantic stuff seriously. Too scared it’ll turn out to be some kind of big mistake for him, and he tells me that just when I’m starting to get serious.

I have definitely learned a lot about not being taken seriously from an ex who showered all sorts of compliments, said the right things, to win me over, and then unceremoniously dumped me.

And take this other guy, my friend, who mistook my charisma (char!) of a girl as mutual attraction. Did not consider the fact that I actually have a siren-like effect on some people as a variable in his equation. To the people I value, I am always well-meaning and charming; no one is spared by my generosity towards compliments and friendly concern. It’s not my fault men are so overcome by me (seriously!). But this guy, my friend, should have known better, really, than to assume that there was a special kind of chemistry between us because I do have chemistry with everyone (again, those that are only worth my time), albeit in the platonic sense of the word.

"Wa jud, C. Wa jud koy na feel nga chuva chu chu..." I told him apologetically when out of nowhere he asked me about the status of our relationship.

Now you know what I meant when I said I had disappointments with people’s emotional outlook now.

What’s wrong with us that we have to be wary of everything that passes between us and the people we meet? “Too much assumption is the mother of all f*ck-ups”, it says in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, that Guy Richie film. That’s what this guy, my friend, should have done in reaction to my perkiness. And this is what I learned to do with that guy with a piece of paper so I would have appreciated his sentimentality years ago.

We learn these lessons after heartbreak: think with your head, not with you heart. Don’t rush into things. Don’t assume. Don’t look for things that aren’t there, and don’t ignore things that are in front of you.

But whatever happened to all the other lessons we are taught when not recovering from heartbreak? The lessons we learn in love stories and song lyrics and movie lines? Take the risk. Love is possible without pain or misery. There’s someone out there for us. Don’t be alarmed if you fall head over feet. Wise men say, only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love for crying out loud.

It seems like some kind of oxymoron, like a mutually exclusive set of events. How can you be both wary and take the risk at the same time? Which is it really: love relentlessly or with caution?

I think it’s both. Bear with me on this analogy. When you drive, you either go fast or slow. It depends on the road you’re traveling on. You drive slowly on bad roads, so as to avoid damage to your suspension or whatever. On a long smooth stretch of highway you feel the need for speed. Sure, when driving slowly you don’t feel the rush of excitement, the adrenalin in your blood. But at least you know you’re going to get there without crashing and burning, unlike when you do drive fast but could end up hurt. So really, it’s all a matter of recognizing your road. And if you think about it, when it comes to falling in love, all roads become perfectly asphalted the nearer you get to your destination. But either way, see, you may get there. The trip may be completely worth it.

As for me, I fall in love first with the words I associate with a man: his almond-shaped brown eyes reminiscent of oases and dates; his smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes; his broad shoulders that looked like they could sprout wings at any moment; his cunningly brilliant mind that takes me to the heathens.

That in itself is my defense mechanism. That I fall in love with the words first so that later when the love is gone I still have the words that reek of romance. And one day I hope someone falls in love first with the words he associates with me.

In the meantime I continue to stop on red lights.

Hurt!

I wish I can tell you how badly hurt I am with the decision.

Deja Vu

Déjà vu. You’ve read about it. Described in one dictionary as “a distortion of memory in which a new situation of experience is regarded as having happened before”. Finding familiar that which should be unfamiliar. Not an uncommon sensation for you, is it? Then why, this time do you dread it so? It’s as if you’ve lived through it all before in your dreams. Visions perhaps. Visions witnessed through the eyes of another. In your two decades of life, you’ve learned the hard way that nothing in this strange world is impossible. There is no time, no space, no earth, no gravity. Slowly, you realize that you are not upon unfamiliar grounds, afterall. But, yes! This thought has toiled in someone’s mind – yours! Expecting a quiet respite? I hate to disillusion you but this will have to come in a blow. As cliché goes, all good things come to an end. But not the fulfillment of realization of acceptance.

Another day of higher learning to you Ü

Moalboal

It was beautiful. Even here in the dark, nothing can rob it of its beauty. The vastness of the sea together with the thousand eyes of the stars looking down at me here in the paradise of Moalboal, shelters me in the sweet cocoon of its embrace. I walked alone in the sugar sand, disturbing whatever serenity nature had posed on it. I looked down but couldn’t see traces of my footsteps in the sand, there was not enough light.

I stared straight ahead, across the empty sea, distant lights from passing boats pay tribute to its magnificence, but still there was nothing ahead. Whatever light there was in the far regions this immenseness is not enough to cover the darkness. Emptiness is far too much.

I stared at the water and felt the saline taste of the wind against my face. And slowly a single tear fell, joining my solitude. There was the sea, me and my tears. There was you, me and nothing else. I tasted the saltiness of my tear. A single tear which seems to take forever to reach my lips. Minutes, seconds of forever. I looked straight but all I could see is this pool of black.

I got up from my new found haven not bothering to dust off the sand from my shorts. Before I bid goodbye, I looked up at the grand display of the universe above me. Hundreds, thousands of stars, angels, singing their lullaby to me. In spite of the darkness surrounding them, all I see is their light. It isn’t much, but it’s enough. Enough to stop my tears, enough to at least make me smile.

Looking up, I remembered one line we both had trouble forgetting from one of your anime clips you had be borrowed. People are just like stars, they seem to be well clustered together, seem close. But in truth there are actually so many spaces between them, so many things that keeps them apart. That’s why we need to get close to really know. Hmm, well something like that. We both couldn’t get the exact words, but we both liked that line much.

Perhaps we are like the stars.

I smiled at the vastness around me, grateful for its company. I hope that there is more I could do to repay it for its comfort. Thousands, millions, had come and marveled and paid homage to its magic, but only a few, perhaps none, really stayed.

It was just a short chat with nature but enough to put salve to my weary heart. I went back to the cottage and opened a can of Four Seasons. I doubt if anybody noticed my absence. A momentary lapse of memory on their part.

I gave the vastness of the sea and the sky one long look and I gulped the sweetened drink. And again I remembered you. The last time I tasted one was with you. Please give me this one night. Please allow me to share the loneliness of the sea with you. Perhaps it is more than enough to drown both of our sadness. Please be my star for tonight. Perhaps you could shed some light to my vast darkness.

Random Wordplays

D and I had a short chat over at YM earlier. And I was lecturing him about Fleet Enema and all those silly stuff for "happy" people, I know of. Prior to that, I told him out of nowhere that I already want to get married. Yes, this stone - hearted b*tch is seriously thinking of settling down but the predicament lies on who to wed. I mean yes, "there's tons of fish in the waters" but I just cant seem to find a guy who I think is smarter than I am (ehem, feelingera na kung feelingera, kevs!). And D, who is yes, the most "sane" person you can talk to out wittingly chimed:

"Teh, patay na si Ernie Baron!"

And I almost died laughing. And so I asked him, "What should I do then to hoard 'em all fishes?" Matter of factly, he sad:

"Undangi na ang mura kag mokaon ug taw nga looks and stop blabbering language that is alien to men! Inglisera kaau ka o!"

Ouch! That cut right through. Somebody please tell me why am friends with people who loves lashing out verbal daggers at someone as meek and mild as me?

Phoneless!

Please be informed that due to the author's sheer stupidity, she left her phone in the cab at 4:00am today on her way to work. :( She thinks she's smart enough not to lose her phone so she didnt save her Contacts and now she doesnt have anyone elses number.

If you pity her, and you want her to get intouch with her friends again (as if millions), please message her at Facebook for your numbers.

Thank you!

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Lesson Learned:

Drivers are not just sweet lovers, some also are phone hoarders. My phone was already out of reached 2 minutes after I got off the cab. Tsk!

Going Green!

"In the beginning, the Lord made the earth, the heaven, the hills and the seas. Then He created the sun, the stars, the lands, the birds, the trees."

This is not the usual mushy, crappy article that I write. I dont even know if this makes sense. I just felt the need to write about something 'earth - friendly" considering what our country has been through, the past days. And also, my friend, L.A gave his 10 cents on climate change so "kay suya on man ko" (am naturally envious), so here goes the futile attempt to promote environmental awareness and all that jazz!

It is an undeniable fact that we've got only one planet to live and this is earth. Before it was such a clean and beautiful place with abundant trees growing luxurantly here and there. It was a real paradise! But then, sometiem ago, as man strive for survival and pursue prosperity, he started to tamper, alter, and modify the once beautiful and bountiful mother earth. What we've got now is an imbalanced ecology. A picture of a sick mother earth. What must we do? Yes, we must do something to save mother earth. How? Do we really have to make the choice between environmental catastrophe and enormous cost? The choice is yours!

James Hansen an atmospheric scientist and director of NASA's Goddard Institute of Space studies declared that the greenhouse effect is changing our climate now. If green house gases were less plentiful or entirely absent, temperature on earth would average below freezing. Thus, there is global warming. So let's start regreening our environment. I wouldnt recommend anything more special and lavish except that let's go on planting trees. Forestration and refrostration are needed, not deforestration. Start with our own backyards.

Can we be certain that global warming will occur, considering the millions of typhoons guesting our planet and our counry lately? Well, it might be. How heat travels through the atmosphere and back into space is another big question mark for the global warming theory. So do with other factors like the sunspot cycle, the effect of atmospheric pollution and volcanic particles which can reflect sunslight back into space. One of the devastating effects of global warming will be the raising of sea levels.

We must inculcate in our minds that worst consequences from people's modification of the physical environment are faced by the whole populace in the world. Mother Earth is really suffering.

What has our government been doing to remedy air and water pollution in our country? Well, we are ware that programs and solutions have been constituted but not fully implemented by the inhabitants of Mother Earth. We have to act now, coordinate with our leaders and do our share to save Mother Earth. Coerce our barangay Tanods if we must! We have to change the way we live to avoid environmental catastrophe before it's too late. It is time that we consider new approaches that would protect our environmental resources while managing and sustaining development. Let's join our hands altogether in the improvement of environmental sanitation, beautifucation, health habits, food production and ecological values. Let's save Mother Earth! Let's make it a wonderful place to live in. A liable world. let us help in promoting programs that would help preserve a healthy life and substantial industrial development and agriculture.

In some generation, many were given and underatke and much is expected but it is, I believe in these trying of times that we will have a rendezvous with destiny. Are you with us in this journey?

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned!

Don't push me too hard, Ive already reached the threshold!

Im way over my limits; one wrong move and am calling it quits!

I am Woman!

“Woman is an unfinished Man” –Aristotle

“Men look at women as how men want to look at women, and women look at men as how men wanted to look at women.” – Don Amorsolo

Genesis 2:20-23. So the man named all the birds and all the animals, but no one of them was a suitable companion to help him.Then the Lord God made man fall into a deep sleep, and while man is sleeping, He took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the flesh. He formed a woman out of the rib and brought her to him. Then the man said, “At last, here is one of my own kind— Bone taken from my bone, and flesh from my flesh. ‘Woman’ is her name because she was taken out of a man.”

The purpose of this article is not to beget a Patriarchal world and uplift men, but rather, to understand what really a woman is. I know things can be realy tough when dealing with us, :)

I came across with these quotations and wondered if these phrases would serve as a vehicle for men to understand what a woman really is. M, has been ranting that he used to read books, articles and stories about women. Watched movies and films that somehow lifted the essence of womanhood. But according to him, instead of freeing himself from the questions that haunt him, it drowned him deeper and deeper. They say that women aren’t so hard to understand---“Sure, you aren’t” he would often blurt out, looking at me like some criminal.

What is it about us women that make men feel and be inconsistent? What is it about us that they cannot harbor? Or are men just simply over-thinking, over-doing or maybe be deficient in something? Yes we are more emotional than men are. That’s why we have a great intuition, and we can feel our way through things, situations, people and even unexpected circumstances.

What really is a Woman? I bet men have been asking themselves this question for more than 100 years now, and still the question haunts them.

M, would often tell me that eavesdropping is his least favorite verb, but when women start to talk about guys, he has had second thought. I would tell him that men are inconsistent, innately polygamous, and stubborn and so on and so forth. And he would often say, "Like duh?! Have you asked our opinion about girls? “Women are from Venus, and Men are from Mars”, and we met here on earth that’s why we cannot understand each other very well…hahaha!

But M, in his all egotisical nature (I am exaggerating sweetie, I love you!), said that there’s one thing he realized about women… Women are easy to please, at least for him. :) He said, you can give them a piece of candy wrapper and still rock their world. Make them feel secure and comfort them by just being there even without uttering a single word and caress them or perhaps tickle them by just looking or smiling at them. Is this weird or not? I'll leave it up to you all to decide. :)

But one of his random questions really made me roll on the floor though while we were having dinner and still arguing on the MALE and FEMALE subject matter:

"But sweetie, I wonder, why can’t we (men) just make you stay and even keep you?"

I tell you, ill never think of jumping off from a skyscrapper!

So I managed to coerce Marco to commit suicide.. Hehe.. kidding.. We both have acrophobia and I figured twas a great way of trying to conquer our fear. Darn! I almost died. The whole time we were traversing the pathway, I was thinking how I'd look like if I fall from the 37th floor of that freakin building... But God must have heard my fervent prayers, the 15 minute walk which seemed like forever turned out to be a wonderful experience for the two of us! And oh yes, the Edge Coaster ride? Twas extremely nerve - wracking, stomach churning but beautifully breath - taking!

Poets, ahoy!

With this clogged nose and constant coughing, who would be able to have a good night sleep? So to while the boredom away, I watched one of my favorite movies of all time -- Peter Weir's The Dead Poets Society(1989). The film is great upon reaching its advent. Speaking of Dead Poets, let me quote some of my favorite lines from those as of now, according to John Keating (Williams), are food for the daffodils:

TO A STRANGER. PASSING stranger! You do not know how longingly I look upon you, You must be he I was seeking, or she I was seeking, (it comes to me, as of a dream,) I have somewhere surely lived a life of joy with you, All is recall'd as we flit by each other, fluid, affection- ate, chaste, matured, You grew up with me, were a boy with me, or a girl with me, I ate with you, and slept with you — your body has become not yours only, nor left my body mine only, You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass — you take of my beard, breast, hands, in return, I am not to speak to you — I am to think of you when I sit alone, or wake at night alone, I am to wait — I do not doubt I am to meet you again, I am to see to it that I do not lose you. by Walt Whitman Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of the carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I live you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. by Pablo Neruda

Tsk. Tsk. The feast of Eros is really nearing. Before I know it, I'd be speaking of Browning or Byron. Nah! Which reminds me of something . . . my dark prince was into his more antagonistic moods recently. He kept on crabbing about the fact that some people like a certain movie, story, or any piece of literature; just because they had been so sensationalized. Liking something because they're popular is never the same thing as opposed to liking it because you admire its entirety. Di ko ganahan ug naay kapareha. If anything else, that person should be credible enough. Me and my pride.

P.S

I will be bidding adieu to my morning glory. I shall be back to the evening shift next week. *sigh*

Random Wordplay

NO and YES are short words which need long thoughts. Most of the troubles in life are the result of saying YES too soon or NO too late!

So where were you when the whole wedding happened?

while the groom and bride exchanged their promises of forever...

while my friends were half - wishing they were in the same dream land...

while the boyfriend was busy holding my hand, urging me to listen to the priest...

while the the whole church was filled with happiness over the couple's union...

i whiled away time taking photos of my kickass stilletos that perfectly fit my cursed feet; flaunting my beautiful Hindu tattoo!

P.S
Congratulations and best wishes to the newly weds, Mr and Mrs. Philip and Monica Fernandez!

Yes, I look stupid while grinning sheepishly.. Duh!

On Goodbyes

When I logged in to YM a few hours ago, I noticed the status message of my friend, D which read : I HATE BREAKUPS. I shot him a few words and I joked about relationships being always doomed to fail. We had a short excahnge of verbal daggers and then he left thereafter to attend a boring conference call. Then it got me thinking about the whole realtionship, breaking up and letting go process. It made me think of my own loses too.

It also came into my life that I wonder why we have to let go of things which became a part of our lives. I even asked God why He has to take away things and people really dear to us inspite Him knowing that it would wound our hearts. I just thought that it does not seem in parallel that we lose things we would really like to keep. Why can we just give away things that do not really matter to us. And so, I ask again …why? In my life, though I have come to meet sweet victory at times, I can never deny that I have had so much loses too, much more than what I gain. I have had so much pain seeing people going away; I have cried in helplessness of trying to keep things in its place despite of its necessity to go; and, I have heard much of goodbyes, so much that it caused me into phobia. In as much as I would like to keep them, is the need for me to let them go. It is hard letting go. It is so painful that I fear meeting it again.

Maybe it is true that the more you fear something, the more it haunts you. In anticipation of it, fear would never let me sleep well. It even follows me in my dreams, in my thoughts. It is so frightening.

After some time, when I have had so much goodbyes, I have come to realize what it is for. And, it is really not a cruel enemy, but a good teacher. For one thing, it makes us stronger. The more it hurts us, the stronger we get. The pain we feel when we let go of something helps us prepare for the harder tests of life. The more it comes in our way, the better we learn how to handle our feelings. The more we are exposed to it, the more we perfect it.

With goodbyes, we learn how to recognize things and give importance to them. We realize that things are not permanent and so we must take the time to enjoy what we have. We know in our minds that things are not to stay forever. We could not be happy as today as for tomorrow and we could not keep people and things that we have today until the next day. We are on a journey and the more loads we have the harder will it be for us to move on. That is why we have to unload and give away some of our possessions so that there will be enough space for greater things we might catch along the way. It is also one thing that letting go teaches us: to choose which opportunities to take and which to let go. In this test, we try to gauge things and pick those which could be helpful in our way. If we insist in keeping things we should let go, then God takes it away from us. And I tell you, it is more painful because it is sudden.

When we lose things, we become afraid of losing something again. We hide in our shells thinking that it would help us save our things. Yes it can, but we remain in the dark and we live in fear. It could never make us happy either. Isn't it a much wonderful experience reviving after a loss? After some time of hiding in our shells, we stand out to face new life. In this way, we learn how to close one door, and open another. Life's chances await those who are willing to try.

Lastly, with letting go, we learn to remember. We bank up in our memories people and things we had along the way, and which we apparently lost. Instead of taking the past as a painful experience, we reminisce it as a learning process. As we remember, we realize how helpful people and things had been. There should be no way for regrets because all it does is to downgrade our decisions from the past, which should not be. Our decisions are our choices, and what we choose is what we should stand. We should not let regrets eat up our confidence because it will only lead us to a life of agony and distress, which indeed is deranging.

Of all that we could lose, I can say that letting go of people we loved is the most painful. We may lose things, feel sad about it, but gradually forget it. But, if we lose people, everytime memory comes in, pain follows. The hurt feeling never subsides. One reason, which I think makes it easier for us to forget things than people, is the mutual love we can have with loving people. We may love things as much as we want to, but they will never love us back. They can never express their gratitude and love for us. We can always have something to replace them if we lose them. There is not much to lament upon. With people, they can love us back and that makes us happy. People could always say "thank you"; they can always say they love us; they can always say they appreciate. There can never be a happier feeling than when your effort is appreciated with the person you love. There can never be a tiring moment if you are working for the person you value most. And, there can never be a much painful feeling than losing that person you wanted to keep forever.

Acceptance is the hardest part of losing. What we can do is to think that life is all about taking and losing, of keeping and letting go. Much is to come. But one thing is for sure, there is a reason for everything. That reason maybe hard to understand, but whatever it is, we just have to believe that God takes away when He has something better to give. In our lives, goodbyes always post a turning point. Oftentimes we say goodbye to the one we really love without wanting to, but that does not mean we stop to care. Sometimes goodbye just is a painful way of saying I'll always love you.

Sometimes, the majority is DUMB!

The right to vote should not be universal. It is too big a power and carries with it too grave a responsibility that it should not be for every person in this country. The concept of eliminating the “idiot vote” is becoming more and more reasonable given the political situation of the country and populist tendencies of our people.

If we give every adult in this country the right to vote, we will have the decision of the majority and, sad to say but true, the majority does not know squat about good governance. More precisely, the majority does not know squat about governance at all.

The majority decision is not always the best procedure because it results in the “average” decision. In other words, the decision arrived at will be a mediocre one.

Think of it this way: In a chess match between Kasparov and the world, wherein six billion people would vote for the moves against Kasparov’s, the resulting move would be the one most people agreed on. In which case, the clever moves decided by the very few chess masters would be overridden by the vast majority who does not even have a clue on how chess is played. When it comes to majority decision, Kasparov would easily beat the entire world population. Yet, if we choose only 10 of the best chess players among the billions of human beings, they might have a pretty good chance of beating Kasparov in a chess game.

The same analogy is applicable to electing public officials. The right to vote should be tempered with the proper qualifications to vote. Just as we don’t allow anybody to drive our public transport (or maybe we do, and that explains MM’s horrible traffic), we should also scrutinize each and everyone’s ability to choose and decide the country’s leaders.

Sometimes, I just feel like waiving my right of suffrage!

I rarely do this but because...

I made a wish.
You came true!

Mighty Proud!!!

My ex used to call me his "one million doors". Weird! he justified such name because according to him, I'm like this house with one million doors. What's in the first door, differ from what's in the other door. Okay, exes can sometime be silly. But yeah, I am a walking contradiction. Sometimes, male close friends would say I am a man trapped in a woman's body. I have out of this world hobbies for a woman. One of which, includes Tamiya. Yes, those ships you see, I fancied building them. Now my bestfriend whose been really supportive of my eccentric ways, sent me a BLUENOSE KIT from Model Shipways, straight from the US and was I ecstatic!

But since I've been busy for the past months, it actually took me four efffing months to finish it. But yesterday, it made it's debut. Woooohoooo. Finally! Ladies and gentlemen, the proud momma flaunts ATLAS (I am fond of giving names to my things)!

Decisions and Spirituality

I was raised a Mormon. At least for a good 13 years and was religiously following the ordinances and standards until I started exercising my free agency so much, that due to unforseen familial events, my decisions got influenced and my faith wavered drastically.

I read too much books about dogmas and traditions. Of beliefs and what not. I became too critical with what was happening around me. I turned skeptical about my religion itself. I would then have endless debates and arguments with people from my church. I would pose as an investigator when I see elders on the streets and would challenge their knowledge of the gospel. I was a total freak and often times, I would leave them dumbfounded coz I always had great rebuttals with me. And still from time to time, friends from the church would ask me when am I finally going back. I tried to explain my stand but they just won't buy it. They’ll never understand shallow and stupid reasoning anyway. I was trying to justify of my impeccable search for the truth. I am not contented with a product of the dark ages, I used to rant.

I was stuck in crooked principles for quite sometime but the thought of going back to church was never efaced from my memory. Though buried deep in my pointless reasons, there were times when I did attempt to wake up early on a Sunday morning and get ready for church which was just a stone's throw away but lowering my pride was such a hard thing to do. Every time I tried to, I always remember how angry I am. Funny ‘coz I really don’t know where this anger came from or when it started. I just know that I’m angry because I feel like I’m not trusted in running my life and deciding on which directions I must take. I feel like the standards I was following were robbing me of my growth and still treats me like a kid. Damn! I’m 26 yrs. old for crying out loud. But then, I can never really blame my self for being too stone - hearted. I’ve always been a rebel. A cold - blooded bitch. And rebels and bitches always defy the government, running from the law, being hunted down and punished.

But one day, I finally rid myself of this immature way, so to speak, of thinking. This war againts a deviant belief aint helping nobody - not even myself. As I may put it, I'm not like a freak getting lose from it's leash. My life is definitely going to the trash and I must do something. And so for the first time in years last Sunday, I went back, which I knew from the very start was the right thing to do. For the life of me, I've been ignoring one fact: The Church is true and that salvation comes to those who keep their "eyes single to the glory of God!'"

Looking at the church members, hearing their testimonies, and talking to the Bishop is one decision that I'll forever be grateful for. For first time, I felt like I made the only right choice in the world. And, yes, it was the most wonderful feeling!

No, my going back to church is not about this. Definitely not! Because I may be in the process of a major or total spiritual "overhaul", I will still be the same Anne who refuses to be influenced by anything when making decisions. :)

I just knew, it was time to go back to His fold.*wink*

Random Thoughts

When we say ‘The End’. We don’t really mean it. Life doesn’t end in happily ever after, but whatever happens after is usually too uninteresting or too morbidly traumatic that it won’t look very good in print. For insights on subsequent events, please refer to ‘Mars and Venus Get a Divorce’ or ‘Chicken Soup for the Lonely, Dumped and Broken-Hearted’.

Thank you.

And so it's gonna be Christmas!

Yes it's October and and yes, it's seething everywhere....

Don't you just hate it? Christmas, that is.

First of all, it comes every year without fail. In spite of fortuitous events like typhoons, floods, economic crisis, death of a family member, Christmas will arrive uninvited. We are not given a break from it.

It is okay if it is a simple holiday like May 1's Labor Day. One can sleep the whole day and not give a thought on labor and its concerns. One is not obligated to wear black or red as a sign of protest against the government's pro-employer policies. But Christmas is different. A few months before it arrives, you already feel its foreboding presence. The radio is bombarded with the old-time favorite songs that I feel sick to my stomach everytime I hear "Silver Bells" and little Michael Jackson's rendition of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town". There are some contemporary Christmas songs but they make me vomit -- especially the overplayed "Christmas in Our Hearts" of Jose Mari Chan.

The Christmas lights annoy me. We Filipinos have this habit of being artistic without much thought on the end-result. Look at houses decorated by Christmas lights that have no color scheme and no pattern at all. Even the poor trees are not spared. The Christmas lights are coiled around tree barks that give the appearance that the trees are being choked by artificial fireflies.

But the thing I hate most about Christmas is the obligations expected from us. Christmas is the time for family reunions. One day of non-sensical tete a tete with relatives from nearby and from afar. One day of gift-giving and cash-giving. All my Christmas bonus gone in a day! That's Christmas for you. People always want money.

There is also the Christmas carols. Children, teenagers and even adults (with their complementary letter) have their 'sideline' in Christmas carollings. We do not invite then to our houses, they just choose our houses and sing their carols. And they expect us to give them money for their songs! Where is the spirit of Christmas there? And as if their songs are that tolerable to the ears! Even our dogs can't help but bark their annoyance!

In almost every corner of the city, one will meet a child who will beg and make you feel guilty if you did not give him/her anything, saying "Maluoy ka maam. Pasko bitaw!" And most of them are handled by cruel syndicates who get those coins from these poor children. Should one give the children or not?

What is there to be happy with Christmas? The religious connotation of Christmas have long faded. The birth of Jesus Christ is no longer the center of the celebration. What replaced Jesus? Good food, gifts, lots of money. Even the children of today think of Santa Claus and his gifts as reward for their good behavior.

I used to love Christmas when I was a child. Now I know Christmas for what it is: it is a fraud and an impostor. It killed the original Christmas. But few people realize it.

I feel crap!

How stupid can I be in believing that the universe cared? Apparently, it didn't. So much for living a fairytale for a good 5 days! They say some good things never last. Well, it's a bad case of some good things don't even start for me!

I'm no man - hater... i'm just...

“A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” - Gloria Steinem

It is, I suppose, for obvious sensible reasons that Richard Bach said, “The secret of finding someone to love is first finding someone to like." Duh. It’s that easy, huh? All I have to do is hook up with a likeable human of the opposite reproductive system and life will be an odds-on chance. Wow. How totally convenient.

So I had an interesting chat with my gay bestfriend last night who is based in the States. He peppered me with stories about his new found love and I was the uber happy friend not until he reminded me that I was loveless and that I will surely be envious when Valentine's Day arrives. Darn! So much for being friends with this bitch. (I still love you S, I swear but I just have to rant about Valentine's Day et. al thanks to you!)

Agnostic, I am not, but Cupid’s Day always rouses the misanthropist in me. Perhaps membership to the no-boyfriend for years now club has devoid me of fantasy and left me with nihilism of romance. It’s either that or I’m fixated in Freud’s phallic stage or undergoing an intimacy versus isolation psychosocial crisis. Then again, I may just be your average erstwhile romanticist turned pragmatist.

You have to admit, ever since Eros used his power of attraction to harmonize all chaos and discord with his arrows of desire, existence has never bid farewell to complexities. I bet Valentine’s Day was fabricated for the sole purpose of tormenting people to desperation. Unattached people particularly.

The rate at which people badger me about not being hitched significantly rises on red-letter days. It’s pathetic. Not to say, bordering on dementia and utter hilarity. Like it’s my culpability that no man has had enough cojones to invite a goddess like me out. I am not to blame if I’m surrounded by eunuchs, right? Right.

So maybe I’m too much of a she-god to be asked out effortlessly. My credentials do have an intimidating ring to them. Char! I have a job that feeds me well and quite a number of great friends to boost. I may not have a diploma but according to pals, I surely have an adequately stocked lump between my ears.

See? Decent people turn up hard enough as it is. How do I expect to stumble upon a guy who deserves me? Ha! There’s the dilemma! I guess my vapid love life is my fault after all. Hehehe.

By now, I presume you think I’m writing from a nut house. Let me assure you, I am not. I just have much faith in rationalization as the best defense mechanism. Secondly, I’d rather believe I am to blame for my state than admit that matters are beyond my sway. More like favoring superiority complex over inferiority.

Which, I presume, is the reason why I am not with any guy right now. After all, I have been told that men are inherently egotistical and thus despise others’ pre-eminence (especially that of women). Guess that leaves me with one option: drop the whole poised and self-assured air, act puerile and naïve, and go through my days as a numbskull. That will have all the guys running for me. How come? Guess why the average girl would rather be beautiful than intelligent. The answer? Because the average guy sees better than he can think.

Except who would want such an insubstantial guy? Why would I opt to be with someone who only feels significant because I am fragile? I would never lower my greatness just so some man can feel assured. That would mean settling for someone short of my yardstick. And the moment one settles for something lesser than one deserves, one gets even lesser. Evidently, I’m inclined towards men who will cherish my knack to be on top of things (my life mainly, among other things).

And if Cupid can’t find and target such a fellow for me, then his deityness and existence (if he does exist) is pointless. I might as well plot to eradicate his likeness and myth while I can. Such bitterness, eh? Well, if not for his darn hearts and arrows, I wouldn’t be caught dead in another Valentine’s Day! It’s such a formidable task to feel normal when everyone else is thinking of reservations, humming maudlin love songs, and looking lovey-dovey. Blech.

Still, I cannot discount the odds that this is the universe’s way of teaching me a lesson or two. For all I know, it may just be a drill on patience or probably, uhm, humility. Perhaps the reason Cupid’s arrows aren’t working for me is a blessing in disguise. I probably don’t need a man right now given that I have enough headaches as it is. Or it just isn’t the right time. Then again, maybe impeccable women like me are meant to be spinsters.

The Constitution does not mandate a 26-year-old gal to be in a romantic relationship. So, why make me feel like a low-life-mucus-eating-parasite upon hearing that I have no quixotic rendezvous on Valentine’s Day? It is asinine enough that people find my romantically challenged life worth discussing but treating me like some sort of pathological social deviant based on my relationships, or lack thereof, is sheer madness! The poor fella must either live a very sorry existence or is brain-damaged (if there’s any brain at all). Getting a life is advised.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not a sociopath and absolutely not a man-hater. On the contrary, I am fond of men and find them quite an interesting species. I have eyes on a few. Some have eyes on me. However, they are variedly attached, married, heterosexually averse, or afflicted with the Oedipal complex.

I likewise do not have the intent of living as a recluse. I believe Coupledom, even with its often-needless ballyhoo, has its perks. And I do think of love once in a while. Okaaaaay… so maybe more than once! But I do not permit myself to wallow in such thoughts. If I did, I will never be able to get things done. Too much mulling is brain-unfriendly.

As much as I do not harbor nauseatingly mawkish thoughts, I know deep within the recesses of my mind exists that former dreamer and fairytale lover. She’s still there somewhere, just waiting for a little stimulation. Hence, as virago as I may seem, I haven’t renounced love and its great possibilities (ewwww). I’m not likely to quit my job though and take off in pursuit of “The One” that romantic myth makes me believe is around the bend. However, if you’re a guy who can make my heart beat faster than a table of food game can, then lemme know you’re alive. I might have time to spare to look you up.

For the meantime, allow me to revel in the liberty and self-rule that being single offers. Just because I travel unaccompanied doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the sights. Being alone doesn’t quite equate to being lonely.

As for Cupid, I suppose he has his alibis. So what options have I but give him another deadline. Besides, it’s not my loss if I remain solo. It’s the males’ deprivation and eventually, humankind’s. Haha!

S, this is all your doing!

Lesson Learned!

If a guy says he's gonna call or text you and ends up not doing it at all or if a guy just deliberately ignores you and all attempts to strike a conversation with him had been futile, well girl, it's about time you wake up and admit the fact that:

HE'S JUST NOT INTO YOU!!!

Get over him for he's a monumental waste of time! Flip your hair and then say, "Next please!" Men after all are like tissue papers. Soooooo DISPOSABLE! :p

Just Random Thoughts

I sit in the middle of chaos and I'm quite comfortable with it. Amidst the clattering of voices and the rousing laughter, I breathe with everyone oblivious of my existence. I bask at the anonymity and my seeming non-existence. I speak to no one and no one speaks to me. I am an anti-social.

Thoughts of yesteryears ran into me like a powerpoint presentation. On weekends, I would find myself lounging in a clammy black leather seat in a dank smoke-filled room, I hold a half-empty bottle of vodka. My veins reek of alcohol. A few more senseless laughter. A few more drinks. A little crazy idea. A minute more. Gyrating at the top of the dim-lit bar with some of my friends, I am alive with every beat of the live music. The blaring tunes bleed my eardrums to silence. I am a slave to the jeers and wild clappings. For years, I am a soul half-starved for attention.

At the dinner table, my feet rests peacefully on top, I spew out vulgarities like candies on Christmas. I speak of sex and minor misdemeanors with a casual air of a learned. Open to possibilities of pre-marital intercourse. A potential single mother. Perfect epitome of a girl-gone haywire complete with scarred wrists, dark childhood secrets and little tragedies that comes with the package. I am a drifter in the immense sea of life.

On the same dinner table, I sit comfortably amidst the pile of poetry, computer mags, and notebooks. I find equal solace in reading cummings and super coolants. I am a geek. I could talk of parts of speech, weird stuff and literary materials with the same air of a girl loudly complaining of a broken nail. I get a certain inexplicable high just merely talking about grammar and poems. I am a bore, an effective sleeping pill.

I am a creative adventure junkie. I could come up with the craziest of ideas and get away with it. I’d dance naked in the rain if only I could find one who’ll do it with me. A probable speed demon when given the chance to drive. Would sleep in the middle of the field in pajamas and fluffy sleepers. I live for these moments.

I am obsessed. Obsessed with the search for me, for life, and for countless other dilemmas that most refuse to think about. I am rarely satisfied with the factors that surrounds me. Always looking for something greater and more profound explanation of things. Often questioning, probing and defying standards and norms. Frequently romanticizing simple and uncomplicated matters.

Today, it will all start to change. It's gonna be strenous and gradual. I come to a conclusion that there is more to life than just mere money, academics, and incessant partying over booze. I believe that simplicity of life and the lack of conflicts does not actually equate happiness. That joyful bliss could not be achieved without a struggle. I waste countless hours thinking whether it is necessary to feel pain, agony and betrayal to know how joyful bliss feels like. I am a thinker. Soon, I'll be a doer.

Still, I am a dreamer. I wait for the lone knight in shining armor. Of immeasurable love that could drown all the sorrows of the world. Kisses that are sacred. And like a raging lunatic, oblivious of the existence of other life forms, I will eventually succumb to that fancy feeling of falling in love. And I would ultimately learn to again believe in every word and every promise. And I would suppose that this is rather heroic and brave of me to love and believe again. I am a hopeless romantic.

I am an anti-thesis of me. All that I am is a walking contradiction of who I am. I'm a hundred different lives, a million different faces. A chameleon who changes color whenever it pleases me. An actress, perhaps, who could be anyone she wills herself to be. An anti-social, a party girl, a drifter, a bore, an adventurer, a thinker, a dreamer. And will soon be renewed!

Thanks!

I was thinking of Barnuts last night. Yes, those chocolates that cost one peso each. I live and breathe them every day to say the least. I dropped by the supermarket only to be disappointed by the fact that they ran out of stocks. How can a supermarket ran out of such manna to me? Saddened by the situation, I called M and ranted about how I was deprived of Barnuts lastnight and all he said was just "Sus, mao ra nay imong problema? Katug na kuno diha!" Okay, I'm seriously contemplating on disowning him! But much to my surprise, I woke up today with this:

It came with a note that read:

I hope this 50 pc Rose and Chocolate ensemble make you shut up today! :) Here's one sweet gesture to the sweetest woman in the world.

Love,
M

Awwwww... Hey dear readers, if you go looking for me today, please be informed that I have died and have gone to heaven today due to extreme happiness over blue roses and chocolates!

Weird!

There is no such thing as a coincidence, a purely random occurrence of two events. I believe holy moments or divine interventions are connection points in the web of life. They lend balance to what some might call the unholy moments of life’s tensions and frustrations.

The Law of Two’s or the Pairing Off has always governed us since time immemorial. There are the intertwining cycles of seasons – autumn, summer, spring and winter. There is night and day; sun and moon; cold and hot; white and black; yin and yang; fork and spoon; paper and pencil; right and left. These are all nature’s call for balance and harmony. In an ecosystem, balance is necessary to maintain equilibrium, a control and rising above turmoil and destruction.

No one is left incomplete and alone for all his life. There is always a moment of reconnection with the other half, from which you were both created. One is therefore incomplete without the other.

Stories about soul mates abound in history. Versions and interpretations were made available for people to be enlightened and be informed.

One version I greatly depend on for my personal pursuit was the story that when the Master Divine created the world, he made stars, quadrillions, quad zillions and millions more of stars. It was told that those stars would later on be transformed into humans, us. Before He threw the stars in the skies, He made sure that each of the stars’ left and right hemispheres are equally subdivided, so that two stars will be formed from each of the glowing stars. One would become a whole from the left hemisphere, the other from the right one. When the stars were divided and were separated from their main bodies, they were set forth and thrown into an intergalactic immersion of new life and new beginning. The Master Divine uttered his final words that “’Ye would have to remain individuals…and feel incomplete, until time has come unto ye and ye be joined and renew the ties that kept you all these years.”

When you try to look at the six sides of a star and fold it into two, you get the three focal divisions of human systems: the head, trunk and limb. There are people who function well with their right brain hemisphere and these were the stars, which were formed from the right side. Others do well with their left-brain hemisphere and they do best in mathematics and spatial-logical skills. Consequently these were the ancient stars, which were formed from the left side.

Okay. Do not react vehemently my dear readers. I haven't found my soulmate. I don't even believe in such! It's just that one exasperating experience earlier just made me think about the endless possibilities in this world.

In RETROSPECT
Last week was the saddest point in my life. I cried a river. As my psychologist of a friend would put it, I was experiencing mid life crisis. :) I digress. I'd say, I was just lost. I admit that for the past years, I have been living a reckless life and this isn't unknown to the few people who knows me. I have forsaken my standards for quite a number of years. You see, since I was 6, my mother started to investigate The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). She got converted and when I turned eight, I got baptized. After 2 years, my dad who was then third grade alcoholic, gambler and a nuisance in the society, made a 360 degree turn, became a member and led a clean although not perfect life. It went on for a number of years.In fact until I was 18 to be exact. At a young age, I knew what I ought not to do. I was the epitome of a person living the standards set by a Father in Heaven. I never skipped church. I was active in all the activities, I held a calling, planned to go on a mission, followed the Law of Chastity and Word of Wisdom (I know some of the terms might all be jargon to you and I can explain them if you're interested), and kept the Sabbath Day Holy. I was indeed trying to be "perfect even as my Father who is in heaven is perfect." But things made another turn when my mom left us and a series of other unfortunate events happened. I deviated. I stared drinking, smoking, necking and petting. I was the exact opposite of myself several years back. I stopped going to church. Moved here in Cebu and lived life with reckless and careless abandon. Then it hit me last week that I want change. That I'm all too tired of the kind of life I've been living. It occurred to me that I wanted to go back to church. I just don't know when, where, and how to start.

Fast Forward
I have been working on the night shift for the past two years but because of staffing needs, I got transferred in the morning for the at least 3 weeks and it has been harrowing. I would sit on my desk for a good 9 hours without literally nothing to do except wait 'till log out time. "Petiks" mode. I would usually just surf my heart out to kill time. Hop from one blog to another or Google anything that I can think about. And then I met L. (It's not what you think so please just read on! :p)

Ours was not the conventional type of meeting – ours was the contemporary accidental one. We met when we were both unaware of any possibilities. We were both busy with our own lives. He works at a University in another island and I here in Cebu. One thing connected us though. We both write. We blog to be exact. And in one of my incessant blog-hopping, I chanced upon his blog and found it really funny I couldn't help but make a comment and left a link of my site to his. Perhaps he found my site insane enough to tickle his fancy that he managed to leave a comment too. To cut the story short, we ended up adding each other at YM , chatted and exchanged numbers. An hour and a half before my shift ended, I randomly picked up my phone and decided to call him. Twas fun talking to him for an hour. We talked about anything we can think of like we've known each other for years. We talked about our life, vices, exes, relationships, and future plans. 15 minutes before we ended the conversation, I asked him about his brother's course. He said that his bother took up Nursing before he left for his mission. The last word hit me like a bullet. I immediately asked him, "Unsay inyong religion?" He said gibberish for seconds and seemed to me that he didn't wanna answer. So I rephrased my question: "Mormon ka?" And he gave me a faint "O!" And then I went ballistic. I couldn't believe what I just heard. Stress! I was at a loss for words for a number of minutes, rummaging the corners of my brain for words to tell him when he said, "Sign na jud ni ni Lord. Pasimbahon na jud ta niya!" And that really got me thinking. Two random people, with almost the same life experience, chose to deviate from the church, and bumped into each other online just like that!

After the conversation, I was still high! It seemed to me that the forces of nature yielded us, the universe gravitated on us, and magnetized us that it was indeed time to check on our egos and start being "in the world, but not OF the world." While experience and conviction has barred me from too much believing in possibilities and divine intervention however true to reason and right, the natural Law progressed upon me and made me think about my sincere thoughts last week of going back to the church.

Weird. Really weird. Could it be that faith and hope went together to cross our paths and the Divine intervention and the power of destiny embraced the two of us so that we can go back to the fold and work on our own salvation? *sigh*

I can only ask. All I know is that right now, as I write this, I still feel weird!