36B

Don't ask me but there are times us, women, do tend to complain too much. Too fat. Boobs too big. I, for one, have this bout of complaining about not finding men whom I am attracted to. Hehe.

Therefore, I am not an exception to my race. It's a favorite pastime, I guess, especially for us women. We feel like we're this darn primadonna who is God's gift to men and we don't have an ounce of flaw in our body. That we should be perfect! So in the end, we tend to be too harsh on ourselves.

I used to be harsh on myself. That is, until I learned that the world reflects how I see it. Meaning, "if I give it shit, it gives me back shit"! As simple as that. My moods affect the way I see my world. The way I see my world, affects the way I am.

So it naturally behooves me when I read something from somebody of the same tribe as I am who starts to criticize her own body. Why do some women problematize too much about their boobs?

I HAVE BIG BOOBS!!! They are 36 Cup Bs! And I’ve never had issues about men not respecting me or my body. Or maybe I'm just lucky?

Oh sure, it has been the butt of some jokes. Dako man jud pod sya! The more you become defensive about it, the more they'd gang up on it. But if you've already accepted boobs as part of your body, it really does not matter. Joey Tribbiani of Friends once said that women are so lucky they've got boobs, "All they have to do is look down and it's there."

Men would of course be eternally fascinated with women's boobs because they are flat-chested! It's the eternal longing for something that you don't have. Maybe if men started growing boobs, they would have nothing else to do all day but to fondle them. At least for the first few days until they get used to it.

They don't have boobs but it occupies about 80% of their brains. Look at what they do with their penises! So maybe it's a good thing they don't have bigger boobs, that way they still get most of their work done.

Besides, how can you distinguish the males from the females if everybody has bumps on their chests? Do we start touching even mere acquaintances below their belts? Oopsie! Got bumps, you're male! It's flat! You're female. So, thank God for boobs!

I’ve never had problems with respect just because my boobs are big. Sure, it can be the main focal point of attention for some. But I have great legs so they could look at that too! I have a great personality so they quit staring at my chest. And it probably helps that I have an interesting face.

A friend of mine mentioned that when men look at a woman in bikini, it's not just the boobs that make her attractive. It's more of the aura of self-confidence that she exudes. And according to him, that's what they find sexiest in a woman.

Therefore, confidence on a woman is even better than boobs.

whew!

utter disbelief!

I exhausted all my efforts to avoid her on the sly. Seeing her would mean that I am obliged to talk to her. I need to act as if I wasn't at all affected with what happened. When I get to have the chance to avoid her, I did. But 3 hours ago, I didnt have the choice. She was there, right infront of me. She wore this red shirt looking all cute and all.

And all I could muster was a faint "Hi, kumusta?"

Whew! Is there a pharmacy who sells drugs for forgetting and moving on?

this one's for you!

Dear M,

So maybe what I'm feeling right now is it. Maybe it is indeed what they claim to be love although I hoped to heavens that this isn't yet: even just for a split second when we text, or during that moment when I hear your angelic and soulful voice, or the time when I laughed at one of your silly quirks. I'd be content with that idea, I'd be content that in the course of our friendship, there was a moment of mutuality; even if it was so quick I never noticed it at all.

It occurred to me again, this time in the middle of procrastinating against answering all the questions by the representatives on the floor. I kept you safe within the remote areas of my consciousness, but suddenly, as if driven by an unknown force, your memory unearths itself, returning some sort of unfinished business. Consequently, I pause from doodling on something and I start thinking about you.

And it always left me a touch of sadness.

As far as I'm concerned, I make it a point not to think about you anymore, at least not that often as I used to, in the form of preoccupation. There are a lot of things to do, friends to spend time and energy with, team affairs, television, radio, internet. There's even a new object of affection in the rough. Works for the most part, I should say. Within the confines of the office with papers and flyers before me, there is forgetting.

Just like the manner by which ice cubes freeze bacteria within their crystal networks. As long as they remain frozen, everything's safe. There is no need to worry.

But somehow, you still manage to permeate my system, as if it were an expertise or a tediously learned skill. Moment by moment, you profusely enter my mind, filling my awareness with lost memories of once-upon-a-times and whatnots. Remembrances of sweet messages, exchanges of "take cares" and phone calls. Of yesterday's seemingly unbreakable promises and proclamations of forever.

I should've put into mind what an old friend said, "Forever is not real."

I have always yearned to understand what has happened between us. "Us" won't even suffice: it was never a real relationship to begin with. It was a pseudo relationship so to speak... We just enjoyed each other's wits and I, basically loved the thought of having a friendship that was borne out of mystery. Sometimes it pained me that I could not do anything in my power to make myself fight for us. Certainly, the ambiguity was present, the ambiguity which you never wanted to clarify.

You could only let me go on with whatever it was that I desired, whether it be ranting about my insecurities, rejoicing over happier news or lamenting about my eventful past. Yeah, you became my soundboard. On the other side, you remained silent in the middle of my hyped-up emotion. But you know what, above all those rants, I was like a child with beaming eyes, eager to hear more stories of how you came about to be the person that you are. I wanted to know more about you. EVERYTHING there is to know about you.

Yet when it was time to really get serious about things and feelings were ready to he heard, the silence was a void. I suspended my disbelief when I convince myself that you always meant well. Whenever you apologized for there was nothing you can do about my bouts of depression or when you simplify things by saying "Mag inOA jud diay. Unsa may imong mahimo ana?" I know I should not expect things from other people; perhaps I was at fault when I wanted more from you when you've already given so much of you.

And just like that you vanished, very much like a soap bubble floating across air. You found another person and I was left alone. I have looked up to you in complete awe, wonder and even fascination. And similar to any ethereal fleeting moment, you were gone, leaving me clueless as to whether you even existed in the first place.

Perhaps I really like you, but that won't do much now. I can fight to save everything that I've invested, but I chose not to. I have treasured you in the past, and that will be enough. Right now, all I can do is wish you well in all your endeavors, including the pursuit for the one who is right for you. When you find her, I wish she makes you happy. You make her happy as well.

The end is only a beginning disguised as a parting. I will still think about you every now and then, probably be sad once in a while, but you need not to worry. (as if ma affected pod ka da!) For I am okay and I will be okay under all circumstances. It may take time for me to love again, but in the long run, it will be all worth it. I may still risk myself, but every risk in its own respect is worth taking anyway. Love is such a convoluted mixture of emotions and decisions that it's a matter of working your way through it.

Thank you for gracing my life like a whirlwind, leaving me breathless and hurt, inspired and furious, affectionate and listless. You've taught me quite a lot and I learned them in the most humbling manner. Thank you for showing me what it means to be human, to commit mistakes, and to discover how to regain yourself after everything that had happened.

From experience, I know that forgetting is one of the hardest things to do. More so if it is against the will of one's mind and heart. Maybe someday I'll learn to forget you, and how it felt to almost have you. Maybe someday you'll forget about me, and the sheer complexity and beauty of the jokes, texts, phone calls and words that we once shared. Maybe then we will be reminded of this story, our story, and think that love was never meant to be ours. Never was, never will be...

Like what I always say, "Ad astra per aspera." A rough road leads to the stars.
I'm on my way to becoming stellar.

wav yah always,
Anne

:)

I was looking for souvenirs to give some people when I chanced upon a little card that said:

I made a wish.
You came true.

aw.... this is so sweet... :)

rants

Last night, I was contemplating about "S"; of how and his current love might end up together. Although eternal bliss can only be attained in as far as the mind can reach when it comes to "gay relationships" I know, that we might end up with the same, cruel fate.

I will always think that I’ve bled myself dry, but in truth, I will forever be an unfathomable well of strength. I even shared this reverie with "S" earlier. I half-jokingly asked him if he was willing to be a sperm donor if ever I was not to marry. "What a wonderful thought" -- we buried ourselves in mirth. A child with beauty and intellect! Hahaha! Luv you, 'ring!

As for thoughts on when will it ever be my turn to break someone's heart? Well, I don't dwell in that sorry little place anymore for I know that that person will never be me. I was created to do grander things, so there! Random Thoughts:

• I am not a strict Catholic but I am so thankful to God, he gave me real friends. They are everything that is lacking in my life – a smile during forlorn moments, a healthy debate, an intellectual conversation, and a dissertation on human horniness.
• I am lucky to be good friends with all my exs’.
• I am happy to have met Mylyn – one of the truest people I’ve ever met.
• Writing will always be my sanctuary.
• Reading is for those with insatiable thirst for knowledge.
• I'm right, "S"! Walay Polar Bear sa South Pole! Wehehe!
• Ganahan ko moapil sa Game Ka Na Ba. Pramis!
• No more crying. Period!
• I want to be content. But I can’t when I’m destined for greater things! (bwahahahahaha.. feeler!)

black and white

How can I close my eyes when I am this upset?!

I am weary of man always being ugly to his fellows, of the gardener obsessively compulsive about growing weeds, of a single carnation plucked from a bed of roses, of bees buzzing simply because they are intended to and it is their nature.

I want peace. 'Tis my time for healing. But slowly, as I descend upon a shallow grave I am beckoned like a restless spirit to roam and wonder why man, by nature is full of discontent.

A panda told a tourist who wants to take its picture, "Okay, go ahead. But I want it in black and white."

To my true friends who've always known me to be the cream and and jet black panda with a streak of jade (or mint green, if that is how you want to put it), thank you for never judging me.

Why man does it, is a thought I will forever ponder. All the answers in the world have made me deaf.

Why, I wonder, someone never opens his mouth during times of destitution, is a question not based on morality but of real friendship. Friends tell, even if uttering it means oblivion.

And that is why, those who have no weight whatsoever on my happiness, may very well continue on their predicament. I am still me to my friends. And that is what's important.

constant change

A certain Greek philosopher sat along the bank of the river. He observed that all water moved along through and through. Nothing stays. Thus he formulated and popularized the Theory of Impermance. That everything in this world is changing. Nothing stays.

When I received a text message from my former trainee that his training was ended by HR, I realized that everything is but temporary. Everything is in constant change.

He was not the straight A trainee. There was a point in training that we almost failed him because his scores were really fluctuating. But during the Role - play certification, he proved us wrong. He did it smoothly and when he passed, he said, "Thank you, I assure you that I will not fail you!"

"D" was doing well in OJT. He often boasts his 100% evaluations and I was positive he would be a tenured agent soon. Then the uneventful happened. He overslept because of the sleeping pills he took and was unable to come to work. He got terminated.

I then realized that in a blink of an eye, some things will be taken away from us. Our jobs. The people we love - relevant things that we never thought mattered. All things can be random sometimes.

I was sad, "D" had to leave but then again, everything is in constant change. Some decisions may have repercussions we may not like. Well, not all endings are happy. We have to move on and find our niche in this life. :)

random wordplay for the day!

"Chance is a pseudonym God uses, when He'd rather not sign His own name!"

perfect

I believe there is such a thing as perfect.
it is up to you if you want to take a hold of it,
if you want to experience it, if you want to keep it...

As the all say, "Nobody is perfect."

But, I consider myself a NOBODY. So therefore, should I be perfect, then? :)
(lessons in logic can be confusing sometimes!)

random things

Had a pretty interesting conversation with "J" over a cup of hot coffee at Starbucks today and out of that conversation, I contemplated on how to verbalize the unfathomable feeling one gets when you talk of your great loves lost.... An affliction of a writer, who analyzes emotion to make it fit into a puzzle like a a long forgotten piece,and and exhales with a heavy breath thankful for the solution. Often, i ruminate trying to answer lingering questions; deaf, mute on guessing what's the final step one has to take. It's a thousand mirrors, falling from the sky, shattering into tiny needles that coax the inevitable truth. Other times it's the parchment torn from awell-loved book, sheets fully cherished and touchedwith the breath of a hushed soul, pagesbrown and old while the mind that loved them slowly disintegrates into a limbo of kisses and tears.
--
The reason why we should refrain from saying "i love you" .

So why do we say it? Do we say it just for the sake of hearing it reverberate backbut with less passion and truth? Do we say it because we're in this rigid viscious cycle wherein one has to give in and the other, hold back? Plainly I should dismiss such thoughts but my monsterskeep on visiting my bedchamber, screaming and bantering foranswers..... Is it that we just want to reassure our oursleves,and simply uttering them would hopefuly bring back the old feelings?

for sale!!!

good day, love people! I am helping my friend out dispatching his camping things since he will be leaving the country soon. Any one interested with these things please message him on the number below. :)

Solomon Gore-tex mid-cut shoes (P2, 500) and Kovea Moonwalker Camp 4 Burner (P2,200)

0915-975-9686/ or call 234-0432/ 234-0420 ( office hours lang 8-5pm Mon-Fri )

look for Femie

why I hold back?

Why I must hold back...

I think I'll just wait for the information to be given voluntarily, no? As much as I want to ask, as much as I want to know, the best thing to do would be to draw upon my very limited vat of patience and simply wait. One cannot demand to know things, just because. A reason must support the demand, just as a reason must support a request. I have no reason, though. I just want.

Knowing would serve me no purpose, knowing would give me nothing, and yet I still want to know. For the sake of knowing. For the sake of the knowledge being available to me, should the time come when it could be useful. Or needed. For the sake of knowing that I could be entrusted with information as personal as it is. It's not even personal, really. It's just not something you tell every person that you meet. But it's something you tell people you cherish, people you adore, people you want to be with you. It's something you tell your friends, your family, your loved ones. And, I guess, I want to be one of those. Though I've been told that I am, I really don't feel it until I'm privy to information available only to that select few. And in this case, that particular piece of information that I'm focused on, I don't have.

I could just take the words as they're given, and accept them as the absolute truth. I could take them with a grain of salt, and reserve a little bit of myself in case they don't hold true. But the best would be to hear them, and know that they're true each and every time, because you feel it, you see it, and in essence, you know it. I don't want to hold back. I want to give in, every particle of my being. But until that final step has been taken, at this particular phase where we stand, I'm afraid I can't. I will accept it, I will cherish it, I will be it.. but I can't surrender everything to it.

What, you ask my dear readers, is this piece of information that I wish to entreaty myself? What, you query, is this final step that I await to be taken? Ah... not something I can share with you, I'm afraid. Among you is the bearer of the aforementioned piece of privileged information, and should I say what it is, I might be looked upon as forcing the hand of the bearer to impart it unto me. I want it to be done willingly, because I am believed to be worthy of the knowledge, and not because I let the world and sundry know that I wanted to know as well.

A major step has been taken this day, dear readers. A step forward where most steps taken are towards the rear. Life was faced, truth was accepted, and secrets were shared with the concerned parties of the world. True, some things are best unsaid, but some secrets are best revealed. This latest revelation brought not chaos unto the world, but peace of mind and an unburdening of the packhorse that is the soul. Times have been difficult and filled with trials, but we worked through it. And we shall work through what other hurdles come our way. Love, according to them may not keep us alive, but it gives us reason to want to keep on going. It truly does make life worth living... And we'll journey towards that life where we can build a world together.

wordplays

do words really have to be uttered to know their essence?
do tears have to be shed to know pain?
do you have to be a different person in front of others, to keep up a facade, to say that you are still you?
i do not need pity, just understanding. i do not need nurturing, just a little love.

===
hay! stress, stress, stress! i feel so fucked up!

hooked!

I love Dr. House. He is amusing! And watching the series over and over again is my wanton display of affection and worship towards him. I even memorized some of the lines. Talk about hard core addiction!

you pretend to buck the system.

you pretend to be a rebel.

you claim to hate rules.

but all you do is substitute your own rules for society's.

and it's a nice simple rule...

tell the blunt, honest truth in the starkest, darkest way;

and what will be, will be.what will be, should be.

and everyone else is a coward.

but youre wrong.

it's not cowardly to not call someone an idiot.

people are not tactful and polite just because it's nice.

they do it because they have an ounce of humility.

because they know that they will make mistakes.

and they know that.- Moriarty, House MD (2nd Season Finale)

hooooorayyyy!!!

she was bugging me with text messages the whole time..
she was restless and was so conscious of what's gonna happen or if she screws up...
she was like a child preparing to go to her first day in school...

if i was infront of her I could imagine how her eyes sparkled when he looked at her in the eye with so much adoration...

to her, he was her addiction, the single occupant of her imagination (peace, mj!)

MJ just had a date again after 48 years. :)

musings

So it happened. And happened again and again and again. And each and every time you came and took and left again with nary a second glance my way. You may give but it was always on your terms and your terms alone. I always got left behind contemplating on the sanity of the situation. I was throwing my better judgment in the wind in search of something that left me feeling - empty.

Empty. I stared at the wall for what seemed like hours after you left and felt – empty. A sacred act that supposedly expresses one’s feelings for one another felt like an orchestrated activity that one just had to do. Step 1: Say Hi! ; Step 2: Kiss; Step 3: Fondle; Step 4: Get on with it; Step 5: Climax. Step 6: Wash and say bye-bye.

I suppose the reason why I kept saying yes was because I was looking for that elusive something. But every single time it happened I always felt the same. Empty.

Love? But I am not in love with you; any more than you are with me. Every time you came I wasn’t the least bit interested on how you lived your life any more than you were with mine. And every time you left I couldn’t care less how you will live your life any more than you care about how I will live mine.

I don’t seek your affection and sweet nothings lovers whisper to each other. Nor do I seek the comfort of your arms for yours are not the one I want.

What then do I want? You? Perhaps. In this world of impermanence, one tries to look for some semblance of connection. Maybe, in those brief moments that we spend together, I can pretend to be cherished by a fellow being, albeit an empty shell like me.

Again, I ask myself, what do I want? Do I want you beyond the function of sating my body? Would I want you to want me beyond the same function?

My mind looks for answers. The wall remains as it is – blank. And like my heart, empty. Tired from the activity that led to my musings, I turn off the lights and sleep – an empty, dreamless sleep.

...

"You were my cure and I was your disease;

I was killing you and you were curing me!"

Your Call (SecondHand Serenade)

this song just sent me bawling at 4am! the lyrics is so nice, it send chills down to my spine.

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, Call I'm angry
Call I'm desperate for your voice
Listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Talk, Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Cause every breath that you will take
When you are sitting next to me
Will bring life into my deepest hopes, What's your fantasy?
(What's your, what's your...)

"an awareness of death encourages us to live life more intensely..."

The title's statement can be sited a few paragraphs till the conclusion of inspiring novel "Veronika Decides to Die"...

It was a blessing this novel fell into my hands with perfect synchronization of my needs. The end of the year (2005) was dawning and I felt awfully homesick (since my family doesnt reside with me. Ive always loved my work and education which I enthusiastically managed my time between. Though I was feeling unfulfilled and terrified of myself for it was unlikely of me to let melancholy dampen my spirit and drive. Just when I was in my lowest of lows, someone gave me this book. It was recommended me way before by another avid reader so I was rather thrilled about it and the introduction got me hooked.

That night I opened the book and it was extremely difficult to separate myself from the pages, I read halfway in a matter of hours. It sparked much coincidence for all I was experiencing at the given time. "imagine a place where people pretend to be crazy in order to do exactly what they want" Paulo Coelho refering to an insane asylum. "why do people hate themselves? Cowardice, eternal fear of being wrong, of not doing what others expected". It all hit home so precisely.

My life as was Veronika's (but not up to that serious of a degree of damage) was becoming routine. I was just accepting the normal disarray of which nature was handing me situations, other than doing something about it. I realized how unhappy i had become and that night brought me to thinking about endless possibilities. With great pondering i knew my goals had changed, the college course as well as field I was working in no longer gave me contentment.

"Everyone dreams but not all are brave enough to realize their dream and to pursue it." Im proud as a young woman in her early 20s i was priveleged enough to work in the field Ive always dreamt of. Though it took a lot of guts I forced to put aside my fear and realize my dream no longer gave me the fulfillment and excitement it once did, so now time to move on.

This novel encouraged me to shatter my fears of acknowledging why I was plummenting to such unhappiness. Fear? The fear of discovering what you pursued and perservered once so passionately about was no longer what you wanted.

Im now just wrapping up my years of imminently prolonged vacation and bidding my farewell to those days of self - indulgence.. In a few months ill be opening another chapter of my life elsewhere. Being in terms with what I really want and pursuing yet another university course that has sparked passion in me - law. Is it just fickle-minded choice? or a long term passion? i dont know. all things change, nothing is permanent. but Im willing to take the risk investing my time and effort.

Its sounds cliche but remains true - cherish the simple things and remain true to yourself, get to know what you want, your lucky if you are pursuing your passion so breathe each perservering perspiration to reach that goal. "its the journey not the destination" i should have done that everyday of my life here. Though you only really fully learn that once a deadline is set. Silly human nature ey? Gotta experience before the lesson is fully weighed into pratice.

the sweetest line

I was talking to my cyber friend, Anthony a few minutes ago about his love for this woman. Somewhere in the conversation, he told me of a conversation he had with another girl and I thought that time, he uttered the sweetest line...

Her: "So what did you really love about Chez?"
Anthony: "She made me want to be a better person."

This is so nice... :)

have i?

2 hours straight, staring blankly at the ceiling. Routine work is unnerving, but doing completely nothing the whole day simply cuts every synapse connected to your grey mater... you might as well be brain dead.

So, why am I tapping at the keys during this hour when I should be sleeping? Because I want to remember why I'm here, why I am the way I am today, and why I'm happy just the way things are. Earlier this week, I was brought to think that I'm too cynical, that I've changed and morphed into someone who hates too much, it's a wonder I don't hate myself. I repeat it like a mantra, "Have I become someone I've always dreaded to be"? And then I realized, she was right. I have changed. I lied. But I'm not hateful. I don't wallow in pessimism. I'm just trying to be more realistic. And if sounding defensive means impossibly reaching his perfect, perfect little world, then I guess I'm happy just where I'm standing.

** The length of time you've spent with a person does not merit you any expertise on knowing that person.

phew! I just can't sleep!

...

I wish to write about happy times, of children propping themselves on dry leaves, of impulsive road trips, of clear facets of glass prisms, Royo nudities, white sand beaches, of first kisses, of intense lovemaking. I wish to capture the fleeting moments and bottle them up in contemplation. I miss myself humming and smiling to myself whenever some of the little pleasures cross my mind, waving, smiling, calling my name -- join us, let's frolick in the mud! I am turned to moments of disquietude during ungodly hours. Melancholy, being an unwelcome bedfellow. What happened to life and its promises? What happened to wit, i am surrounded by mortal idiots. :)

My Declaration of Self - Esteem

I am me. I am unique. There's not another human being in the whole world like me -- I have my very own fingerprints and I have my very own thoughts. I was not stamped out of a mold like a Coca-Cola top to be the duplicate of another. I own all of me -- my body, and I can do with it what I choose; my mind, and all of its thoughts and ideas; my feelings, whether joyful or painful. I own my ideals, my dreams, my hopes, my fantasies, my fears. I reserve the right to think and feel differently from others and will grant to others their right to thoughts and feelings not identical with my own. I own all my triumphs and successes. I own also all my failures and mistakes. I am the cause of what I do and am responsible for my own behavior. I will permit myself to be imperfect. When I make mistakes or fail, I will know that I am not the failure -- I am still O.K. -- and I will discard some parts of me that were unfitting and will try new ways. I will laugh freely and loudly at myself -- a healthy self-affirmation. I will have fun living inside my skin. I will remember that the door to everybody's life needs this sigh: Honor Thyself I have value and worth. I am me, and I am O.K. (Adapted from Self Esteem by Virginia Satir)

phew!

The inevitable has just happened. Officially, the jeepney fare is P9 and the flatdown rate for cabs is increased by P10. Hay! Talk about scraping the bottom of the pan. Tsk!

frogs

I'm posting this anecdote someone sent me through text. I don't know what to make of it but it's really inspiring. The characters are cute too. So, go on and kiss the frog. Read. -- A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died. The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?". The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time. -- note: how was the frog able to hear, "Did you not hear us?", if he was deaf? Just feeling cynical. Hehehe! Oh, well, it's the message that counts.