my dumb question!

Does loving someone require knowing that someone really, really well?

in trance

I am in a trance.

Staring straight ahead, I walk on. I am aware of people around me, I see them yet I sense that they live in another dimension. And that I am in a separate one, where only I exist. I see and feel their presence, yet there is an invisible barrier that separates them from me. I interact with them, but there is a defined detachment, allowing me to show only a small part of the I that exists. They try to break through the barrier but the barrier is indestructible.

I feel the weariness of every step, yet a lightness emanates from some vague feeling of anticipation. But it is not certain. It could just as well be dread.

And yet, the lightness stays, infiltrating every cell of my body. It tries to make itself known, it attempts to surface, but the I that exists gently pushes it back.

I carry on. In my protective trance. Where only I exist.

...

Some quotes from The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera:

We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previoius lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.

There is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison. We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself? That is why life is always like a sketch. No, "sketch" is not quite the word, because the sketch is an outline of something, the groundwork for a picture, whereas the sketch that is our life is a sketch for nothing, an outline with no picture.

bull

Is it possible to completely be yourself anywhere, with anyone, and with any given situation?

Is there anyone out there who is completely, with all honesty, himself regardless of the situation?

Be yourself. Most used advice ever. Total bull. :D

over a cup of coffee

There we were at Mocha Blends, me sipping a piccolo glass of Mocha Malt Adoration, and him enjoying a glass of Mocha malt something or or the other. I can't remember what made me mention good and evil but that's when the argument started. He said that there is no good nor evil in this world, that good and evil just came from the dictates of society, that when the world started out, there was nothing good nor evil, everything just is. I vehemently disagreed. I believe that there are some things innate in this world, and as intelligent human beings that we are, we have that instinctive knowledge on what good and evil is. But he believes otherwise. He argued that the good vs evil judgment is just something that society imposed on mankind.

I agree that society may have imposed a lot of norms and beliefs but my question is, where did man base his judgment? What made him decide that such a thing or an act is good or evil?When somene punches your face, you feel pain, and you know that that pain is bad because you don't like the feeling of pain. I don't think pain is something that has to be dicated by anyone, for you to know that pain is bad. It's something you know instinctively. In the same way that we instinctively know that killing someone is evil. It's because we have that innate desire to preserve life, because we ourselves also have that innate desire to preserve our own lives.

He says that I should read Conversations with God 1 for me to understand his point. If it will answer the question, What made man decide that something is good/something is evil?, then maybe I'll be convinced. But for now, as long as no one can answer that question, I stand by my belief that there is good and evil in this world, and that man's knowledge of it is something instinctive and innate.

random thoughts

There should be some kind of alarm in our body that will go off everytime you seem to be doing the same stupid mistake that you've committed before. The alarm should be something like a sudden small writing on your forehead that will appear saying "STOP! Don't go there again!" Or probably, your arm will suddenly hit your head when the alarm goes off, like a reflex action. This alarm isn't really to let you know that you're about to commit the same mistake again. Fact is, we KNOW. Problem is, we don't want to acknowledge that we know. We pretend that we don't, shrug off that built-in alarm in our mind, and continue going towards the pending stupidity. The alarm would just be a firmer reminder, a splash of cold water on our stubborn heads, not to commit the same mistake again.

***** I wonder if other people's lives are a seeming vicious cycle like mine. *****

I can't believe it. There is actually some sense left in me. Wow. After everything that was. After the gazillion resolutions and promises that I've made. Wow.

i'm back!!!

I haven't been writing lately because a lot of things have been going on and if I give you a retaliation of all of them, this page is not enough! Anyways, it's good to be back in circulation!

So where shall I start? Tah... Tah... Tah...

I want to write about a lot of things but I don't feel like writing. (how ironic!) I feel that I won't do justice to the things I will write about if I write now. I am feeling so nothing, so blah. Neither sad nor happy. Like I'm looking at everything that's happening to me in a detached kind of way. Unfeelingly seeing each day fly by. Wanting to sometimes shout or just laugh out loud just for the heck of it, but not being able to. Wanting to sometimes just stare into space and think of everything and nothing at the same time. Wanting to resist falling into vertigo but realizing that it won't really matter. Wanting to convince myself that everything's alright but knowing deep inside that everything's a lie.

blah!

Something that made me think these past few days...

Our deepest fear is not that we are
inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are
powerful beyond measure.
It is our light,
not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented,
fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around
you

We
are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It is
not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light
shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are
liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically
liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson,A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles", 1992(commonly misattributed to Nelson Mandela, 1994 inauguration speech)

===

ok, naked truth! i'm getting pissed these past few days. pissed about my already due TIER/IETR Certification which continues to wrack my nerves, pissed about not being ableto brush up on my reading, pissed about sleeping all day and working all night and not being able to spend time thinking about a lot of personal things, pissed about other people being oblivious to other people's needs, pissed about almost everything! my life would be for the dogs if it weren't for this small portion of sanity glued to me. i just wanna go "blah" 'coz there really isn't anything left for me to do.

pains...

Here they go again. The pains. So much sadness. No space for happiness.

When I was a kid, I never experienced how it is play with other kids getting dirt all over me and still smile in glee. I never experienced how it is to spend the whole day just laughing sheepishly at anything. My childhood was confined inside the four corners our house reading books not appropriate for my age, burning my eyebrows for exams, and trying to be a straight A student. Failure to be on top is tantamount to my mom's lashing whips and verbal daggers. Just think of all sorts of hurtful words that a kid could be called and think that I’ve been labeled that. Conjure up all kinds of humiliation and embarrassment that could befall a kid and imagine that they all happened to me. Perhaps some would say I’m exaggerating, but that’s how it felt like. The pleas and tears never moved my mom. I had cuts, contusions and lacerations. With all the strength that my 6-year old heart could muster, I tried to swallow all the insults that were thrown at me, act as if everything’s okay, and keep my grief to myself. But still they were wounds that never healed.

But to some extent, that proved more devastating to my character. I got so used to suppressing pain that even though the trauma brought about by those fateful years remains with me ‘til now, I still couldn’t bring myself to talk about all that happened to anyone. Despite the knowledge that talking about stuff that hurt you could be therapeutic, I still could not openly discuss it to people who aren't close to me. And there is perhaps nothing worse than feeling so low, yet scared that no one will ever understand.

You know how pathetic I used to feel? There were moments when I looked at myself in the mirror and cried because I did not like what I saw. At a very young age, I learned to asked if I was indeed the daughter of God, if i was indeed my mom's child or why was I ever born anyway? Even when I have achieved so much, there were instances when I felt like I was not entitled to certain things because my competence didn’t measure up. I denied myself of opportunities because there were times when the fear of rejection was just too much. I tried to tell myself it’s over and that, being also disturbed of her marriage with my father, my mom then probably weren’t aware of the possible repercussions of her actions. But I must admit that it was very difficult to get over the trauma. I know this is no excuse, but if you’ve had your mom pointing out all your faults and pounding on your head that you are incompetent every single day of your childhood… well, you just can’t help but believe her. Indeed, all the events that took place during those years were the major source of my biggest insecurities.

I let myself wallow in misery and self-pity for quite a great deal of time. Every disappointment and every failure that came my way were attributed to the events that happened in during those years with my mom because they caused the discomfort that I felt about myself. On the outside I looked smug and confident, but inside I was shaky, and scared, and bitter.

However, one can only take so much self-flagellation. It came to a point that I got so saturated with my own loneliness that I had to finally set my foot down and tell myself that enough is enough. My mom left the country and I was left to stage my life in the matter I wanted it to be. Determined to get all my thoughts back in perspective, I made room for major, and daily, introspection. Day after day, I made progress as I continuously recounted all the blessings that were bestowed upon me. I then reached the conclusion that all the things I lack really do pale in comparison to all that I already have. I was suddenly aware of all my strengths, my capabilities, and the abundant possibilities that lay before me. With that newfound mindset, I was certain then that it will take more than just sneers and ridicule to get me down or make me think badly about myself again.

I must admit that there are still days when negative thoughts threaten to overwhelm me. Like an hour ago, I cried infront of MJ, feeling incompetent and all because I was served an FA for reasons that are deemed unacceptable to me. Nonetheless, after thinking it over, I am also consoled by my belief that what happened was as much a test of trust as it was of strength. Despite being badly burned, I should never lose faith in the natural goodness of life and my ability to make things better for myself. I shold constantly endeavor to improve and never let my spirit stagnate or stunt in growth. Surges of excitement course through me whenever I think that there are still many roles to play, heights to reach, lives to touch… and I cannot afford to waste any more time.

Until now, I am still terrified by the prospect of meeting failures. Still, I am also thinking that it serves as both a challenge and an opportunity for me to prove to people this adage: there is more to me than meets the eye. And every time someone says, "you'll be fine." "you'll heal soon!" or "things will be better for you!", more is chipped off of the emotional baggage that weighed me down for years. Things like that further reinforce my conviction that, despite my frailties and imperfections, I am still pretty content with what I was born with. A little more time and I will be completely healed of all the wounds that that particular adversity had left behind.

I can hardly wait.

By the simple things that occured to me lately, I somehow realized that it is always very easy to sulk and blame natural circumstances or other people for our troubles. But unless you want to live in bitterness and anger for the rest of your life, that’s not the way to go. Remember that although it’s true that other people have the power to hurt us, we likewise have the power to let ourselves heal and move on. We may not have control over our surroundings or what other people will think or say about us, but we do have control over our own thoughts and actions. We are never really totally hopeless. And that, for me, is the most important thing.

Everytime I look back to those difficult times, I think about how much I’ve grown over the past years. Now I realize that growing up does not really mean being numb or free of all pain. In fact, growing up entails more hurt, greater pain, and bigger sufferings. But it also means seeing the lessons that come with every tragedy and being able to get your self back together after being broken. And the moment one realizes all this is perhaps the biggest turning point in the process of growing up.

Like what I've been telling MJ lately, "I think it's time to do a paradigm shift!"

"Life, the ruthless, relentless teacher, expects us to learn by half-killing us.” - Anonymous