...
It has been a rough two weeks for me and my friends. Work has been a total chaos and my personal life has meddled with the seemingly impossible intertwined problems left unsolved. I do not have the slightest plans of discussing it point by point here as I feel that the whole ordeal has caused me too much trauma and what not.
It would be too hypocritical to say that I am okay. I am not. In fact, I am sad. I am on the verge of just giving up. Thinking of abandoning the world and just settling in some vast cosmos where the only person capable of hurting me is my self. I grieve each passing day and putting up a happy and unperturbed front has been really taxing and tedious.
I wish there was a switch somewhere in my body that I can just press so I can turn off my ability to feel pain and sadness. I've been telling people about the Law of Attraction but I find it ironic that I cant even think of anything happy these days. Urgh!
I definitely need a break. To let loose from what's keeping me down. To get rid of this lump in my throat and this swell on my heart. Oh, god I swear am losing it!
It would be too hypocritical to say that I am okay. I am not. In fact, I am sad. I am on the verge of just giving up. Thinking of abandoning the world and just settling in some vast cosmos where the only person capable of hurting me is my self. I grieve each passing day and putting up a happy and unperturbed front has been really taxing and tedious.
I wish there was a switch somewhere in my body that I can just press so I can turn off my ability to feel pain and sadness. I've been telling people about the Law of Attraction but I find it ironic that I cant even think of anything happy these days. Urgh!
I definitely need a break. To let loose from what's keeping me down. To get rid of this lump in my throat and this swell on my heart. Oh, god I swear am losing it!
Of Skinned and Broken Hearts
And how could I blame you? You never made any promises. You never treated me different from anyone else. I was just your friend, much like you were to me, but things change. I changed, but you didn’t.
Isn’t it funny how things became so complicated over a couple of brightly lit ideas? Everything started with a joke and now, ironically, the joke is on me. Falling is hard, especially if you can’t trust the person to be there to catch you if you did. I knew that from the start but still, I lost my balance and fell and what the hell did I get? No bones were broken and no blood had spilled. Well not yet anyway… for all I got was a mere bump, and my world is still damn spinning.
Makes me think about that poem from "Ten Things I Hate About You"
I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare
I hate your big, dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind
I hate you so much it makes me sick
It even makes me rhyme
I hate the way you’re always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry
I hate it when you’re not around
And the fact that you didn’t call
But mostly, I hate the way I don’t hate you
Not even once, not even a little bit, not even at all
Well don’t flatter yourself too much coz you wouldn’t get a single decent poem out of me. That’s too pathetic. Sheesh!! Now why the hell am I writing this?
Maybe I’m writing this to question my behavior. Perhaps to discover the why’s and what-for’s of my insanity. Or maybe even justify my ignorance and give reason to my upgraded self-torture. Perhaps I’m taunting fate to play a prank and make you read this. Who cares? I know you wouldn’t.
I’m not sure which is sadder, the fact that I’m not with you or realizing the fact that I’ll never be with you. You tell me.
How did it all began is no longer important. What’s bugging me is how it should end. How can I? All my promises and resolutions are shattered each time I hear from you, or even think of you. Was it really that silly the way I went nuts every time you give me a ring? *sigh*
I just wish you would know how much you changed me. Or did you? All I know is I wanted to be different, and it’s all because of you. Oh how I envied you! How I wished I could be more like you. Young, carefree, and renewed!
You, the high spirited one who goes through life’s little adventures with reckless abandon. You, the person who’s placidity is so contagious that someone who’s as gullible as I would think that as a norm of the society. You, who’s ever so passionate with the little things that jaded people such as I (again) would normally overlook. You, with your weird taste in music, surrealistic ideas, hearty and not so hearty laughs, dumb optimism and most of all, I envied the way you loved.
Love. Just like happiness, love is such an elusive word. Though I must admit, you’re one of the few people who captured its essence. You cannot choose love. The mind cannot decide what the heart should feel. Hearing those words from you melted the cynical side of me. Letting go for sublime reasons seems stupid and selfish, but in your case, it’s not. It was never a sacrifice coz in reality, you never lost her — not even for a single heartbeat.
Her. I didn’t get the chance to ‘really’ know her, and for that I’m eternally grateful. But then again, I know for a fact that I can never measure up to her, and knowing her for real wouldn’t change a thing. I’d simply have a brighter concept on what was in her that made you so… human.While you avoid talking about her and the past, I know, she will always have a special place in that heart of yours and perhaps even more. Damn it! Why do I even hurt this way?
You’re far from being perfect and so am I. If I were perfect I wouldn’t be here, sighing over a drag of luckies that just fell while hating myself. I’d be somewhere else, smiling like a psycho over the drag of luckies that just fell, figuring I’m too good for you and your mere existence was just another complexity that I have no use of.
But I am not. So I’d still be here, confused and angry with myself, and forevermore consuming you in my dreams.
Why can't you just love me back?
Isn’t it funny how things became so complicated over a couple of brightly lit ideas? Everything started with a joke and now, ironically, the joke is on me. Falling is hard, especially if you can’t trust the person to be there to catch you if you did. I knew that from the start but still, I lost my balance and fell and what the hell did I get? No bones were broken and no blood had spilled. Well not yet anyway… for all I got was a mere bump, and my world is still damn spinning.
Makes me think about that poem from "Ten Things I Hate About You"
I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare
I hate your big, dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind
I hate you so much it makes me sick
It even makes me rhyme
I hate the way you’re always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry
I hate it when you’re not around
And the fact that you didn’t call
But mostly, I hate the way I don’t hate you
Not even once, not even a little bit, not even at all
Well don’t flatter yourself too much coz you wouldn’t get a single decent poem out of me. That’s too pathetic. Sheesh!! Now why the hell am I writing this?
Maybe I’m writing this to question my behavior. Perhaps to discover the why’s and what-for’s of my insanity. Or maybe even justify my ignorance and give reason to my upgraded self-torture. Perhaps I’m taunting fate to play a prank and make you read this. Who cares? I know you wouldn’t.
I’m not sure which is sadder, the fact that I’m not with you or realizing the fact that I’ll never be with you. You tell me.
How did it all began is no longer important. What’s bugging me is how it should end. How can I? All my promises and resolutions are shattered each time I hear from you, or even think of you. Was it really that silly the way I went nuts every time you give me a ring? *sigh*
I just wish you would know how much you changed me. Or did you? All I know is I wanted to be different, and it’s all because of you. Oh how I envied you! How I wished I could be more like you. Young, carefree, and renewed!
You, the high spirited one who goes through life’s little adventures with reckless abandon. You, the person who’s placidity is so contagious that someone who’s as gullible as I would think that as a norm of the society. You, who’s ever so passionate with the little things that jaded people such as I (again) would normally overlook. You, with your weird taste in music, surrealistic ideas, hearty and not so hearty laughs, dumb optimism and most of all, I envied the way you loved.
Love. Just like happiness, love is such an elusive word. Though I must admit, you’re one of the few people who captured its essence. You cannot choose love. The mind cannot decide what the heart should feel. Hearing those words from you melted the cynical side of me. Letting go for sublime reasons seems stupid and selfish, but in your case, it’s not. It was never a sacrifice coz in reality, you never lost her — not even for a single heartbeat.
Her. I didn’t get the chance to ‘really’ know her, and for that I’m eternally grateful. But then again, I know for a fact that I can never measure up to her, and knowing her for real wouldn’t change a thing. I’d simply have a brighter concept on what was in her that made you so… human.While you avoid talking about her and the past, I know, she will always have a special place in that heart of yours and perhaps even more. Damn it! Why do I even hurt this way?
You’re far from being perfect and so am I. If I were perfect I wouldn’t be here, sighing over a drag of luckies that just fell while hating myself. I’d be somewhere else, smiling like a psycho over the drag of luckies that just fell, figuring I’m too good for you and your mere existence was just another complexity that I have no use of.
But I am not. So I’d still be here, confused and angry with myself, and forevermore consuming you in my dreams.
Why can't you just love me back?
27th Bday!
Because I have a 'Goddess' for a friend who at the last minute coerced me to have a birthday celebration, I decided to invite some people (about 50) close to me to an evening of booze, revelry and music. Open Mic was reserved from 6pm to 2am and boy, what a wonderful day it was. I'm just sooooo blessed to be surrounded with wonderful people who stood by me through it all. Here are snippets of the WHITE PARTY.:)
one kid who can make me laugh like there is no tomorrow...
managers who showed they cared despite the odds...
and yes, a wannabee macho dancer tried to stimulate the crowd (in fairness, he somehow succeeded)
wonderful, smart, and simply adorable trainees...
happy and gay friends...
beautiful people...
college bestfriends - the Spice Girls with their favorite man of the night...
=)Life begins at 30 they say... Well, mine blossomed at 27! :)
Happy birthday to me!!!
Happy birthday to me!!!
Ravaging Thoughts!
A hundred knives running their edges against the sides of my head.
Even my eyelashes feel tired. Senses acute.
I can smell the sweat just starting to break through my skin.
Blue waters turning black, then blue, then black...
And I realize that I'm just staring at my eyes.
Blue are the spider veins just beneath the surface around the orbs.
Jaws tight. I feel great weight pulling down on my head keeping them slack.
Knives. Those blasted, damn knives running their edges against the sides of my head!
Wouldn't it be lovely to twist my neck so far that it would snap?
I bet the knives wouldn't hurt as bad as my neck would and that would only be for a time.
A sudden second.
Hypothermia by a glass of water. Unstoppable, unrelenting shivers, almost spasms...
just by drinking a glass of water. The fucking universal solvent...
what's supposed to be the fucking cleanest cure for the fucking ails of the world?
Can't cure me.
I need a freaking break....
I'm tired.
Even my eyelashes feel tired. Senses acute.
I can smell the sweat just starting to break through my skin.
Blue waters turning black, then blue, then black...
And I realize that I'm just staring at my eyes.
Blue are the spider veins just beneath the surface around the orbs.
Jaws tight. I feel great weight pulling down on my head keeping them slack.
Knives. Those blasted, damn knives running their edges against the sides of my head!
Wouldn't it be lovely to twist my neck so far that it would snap?
I bet the knives wouldn't hurt as bad as my neck would and that would only be for a time.
A sudden second.
Hypothermia by a glass of water. Unstoppable, unrelenting shivers, almost spasms...
just by drinking a glass of water. The fucking universal solvent...
what's supposed to be the fucking cleanest cure for the fucking ails of the world?
Can't cure me.
I need a freaking break....
I'm tired.
Rants
"You dont upset me. You dont matter enough to upset me!" - The Reader
This one line resonates in my head these days.
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