Settle to the Metal!

So I'm in stuck in the morning shift with nothing to do. "Petiks" mode for 9 hours. How the hell am I gonna survive? Surf the net and blog until I become cross -eyed! Beat that! :p

Anyways, a friend and I had some random conversation over booze last night and he asked me if I was truthful when I say to people that I have a feeling I will never get married. The conversation became an argument and I almost killed him. Okay, I was exaggerating!

I'm 26, (the ideal age for marrying crap so they say) and a victim of those rude questions as to why I'm not yet married, why I don't have a decent boyfriend to speak of, what the hell's wrong with me. But why force myself? If I don't feel it in my bones that I'm supposed to be with a guy, we surely wouldn't be. I mean, we could be "okay" together, and fine, we'll be friends. But if he can't get past my crazy thoughts and tattoos or I don't dig his chain-smoking habit, there's zero chance for us to be more than pals. I'll get off at the next stop, thank you very much.

It doesn't even sound appealing, "settling down." It's not like you find the chair you are most comfortable with and then sit on it like a Lazy Boy. Is that what a relationship is? There might be some who'd say, why yes, that's exactly what a good relationship is. But I trust it's more than that. I need no Lazy Boy -- I want a rocking chair. Comfort is good, but I need Passion. I need Fire that will be stoked with an equal Fire of my own. Carrie Bradshaw couldn't have said it plainer to the Russian: I want a ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other Love. A tall order but hey, it's worth the wait.

It's not that I don't go out and meet guys. I do. I understand that I have to do my part of being -- what do you call it? -- "out there". Geeez, I've been out there for as long as I can remember. I enjoy and have fun hanging out with them. And I must admit that there are a couple of "prospective" blokes around, a few even quite perfect to be with, you know? Just not the one for me.

So what do I look for in a man, I've been asked countless times. None of your freakin' business, I've replied. But once and for all, here goes.. it's pretty simple, actually: I want someone who'll make my heart bounce. For the rest of my life. Wahahahahaha!

No "honeymoon period" for us. I want a relationship with a honeymoon all throughout, right until our dying day. Is that too much to ask? Perhaps. But I'm stubborn as stubborn does. I just know that there's a guy who's capable to perpetually woo me even after we've had 3 children, 6 grandchildren, and 12 great grandchildren. (as if I wanaa have kids!) And he need not worry for I shall as well accordingly respond to his courtship.

I never forgot what I read in one of my personal bibles (The Bridge Across Forever, Richard Bach, Dell Books). It went something, like, we must not settle for a lukewarm lover and mild happiness. For deep down we know that lukewarm will turn cold, and mild happiness will become a nameless sadness.

I certainly will try my darn best not to fall into such death trap. I agree that it's nice to have someone to share things with and all that. But if it were merely for the sake of having a boyfriend, let alone a husband -- I wouldn't be only fooling myself, but also be leading the poor guy on. Being selfish is purely human, but I'll take my chances. Besides, I'd rather be single and endure the tactless comments of relatives and old schoolmates, than be with someone who doesn't have the gift to good-naturedly suffer my querks.

And what would make my heart bounce? Aarr. Let that be the deliciously incandescent quality of the man. Really, if I have to give out instructions.. man, I'd rather kill myself.

So I sound a tad jaded. Big deal. Even my own best friends accuse me of being a.. commitment-phobe. Now, waitjustaneffingminute! What am I, a man? Heaven forbid. Please. I don't chicken out of engagements. I don't dangle my mate like a puppet. I don't string along.. oh alright. I don't mean to offend the opposite gender, considering my would-be significant other is part of the male specie. Come to think of it, I think these commitment-phobic people only seem that way because they simply haven't met their match, you know? And when they do, they'd just know it. Just the way I would, too. I don't jump into pseudo-relationships because of the sole but crystal clear reason that I'm holding out for The One. Yes, The One Who Will Make My Heart Bounce. Is that so hard to understand?

The ever cynical Janeane Garofalo reckons that there might be one person in the world for you, but you don't get to meet them. But there are some people who are good at making the person they're with the one. Not bad. But, who really knows, eh? I follow my own heart. Period. When it's time, it's time.

Listen, I am not made of stone, even if others around me think otherwise. I may be heartless most of the time but I'm not all rock. I know that there is that one man who can take my many-times-broken heart and magically, effortlessly make it as whole and as bouncy as it could ever be. I confess that it's taking ages for me to find him (and him to find me) but it will all be worth it. I just don't want to end up with a prick, that's all.

And to everyone reading this, if you can find me a man who is smarter than me and earns more than I do (im not amassing millions with the job I have so dont flinch), give me his number and I'll lay my life for you! :p

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I know. These rants have been delirious!

Random Wordplays

Often, we feel alienated and isolated because we live only for our selves!

Virgin! So?

"Miss, are you still a virgin?"

Okay! I almost choked. I was infront of 28 people ranting about life and it's complexities (blame it on the inaccessible shared drive the assigned modules for today were left unturned) when out of nowhere, one of my trainees just asked that question. (You see, left with nothing to do but wait, I told the class they can ask me ANYthing they can think of without even considering that queries like that might just be blurted out!) So there, I was flabbergasted!

"Yes!" I chimed with so much conviction. I didnt expect that my answer can trigger the rowdy class into a 10 - second silence.

Then they all chorused, "Seriously?" Everyone looked genuinely appalled!

I told the class of my stand on the whole thing and most of them cringed. But hey, dear readers, don't get me wrong. I'm not a Saint nor am I Maria Clara. I also had my fair share of kissing (torrid, smack and what have you), necking, petting and all that jazz. I may not be sexually and pornographically hyperactive but I'm also not innocent. It's just that when it comes to the real penetration, I believe I should be given more than a round of applause and a standing oviation because really - I'm frigid! I mean I practice hardcore self - restraint. Why? I know this will make you laugh your hearts out but there are only two reasons. First, I'm so scared of getting hurt. I mean the physical pain when the hymen becomes busted. I have a low threshold for pain plus seeing blood (all the gory stories about one's first time) come out of my queen "V" due to incessant thrusting might cause me a coronary. Second, I dont wanna get pregnant. Simple. I fear so much of having a bun in the oven that I dont trust all the contraceptives in the world. Yes, I am insane! (thunderous laughter please!)

So what is it then with remaining a virgin for 26 years that surprises people? Perhaps they are amazed with the idea that a cynic like me who loves to bitch around is sooo freakin scared of the schlong. Or perhaps, the norms and morals of society has definitely morphed that people these days have perceived all mankind to be horny. Perhaps... Perhaps... Perhaps... And I can go on and on and on. Hehe!

Based on observation, when a girl talks about her disinclination to premarital sex, it causes a subtle hormonal reaction within the male brain that prohibits him to call, flirt, or start a relationship with the initiating persona. Trust me, Ive been there and it's sooo frustrating to come face to face with the reality that most men are highly libidinous they would want to jump into bed with you on the first date.Urgh! But then again, I'm smarter than they think. Haha. They can raise their eyebrows and dump me because of that, I dont care. You see, one thing is certain to me: My worth as a woman is far more than a piece of tissue in between my labia!

Gone MIA...

I know I have been missing for the longest time. I was out in cyber space after I successfully freed myself from a perpetual web of lies and deceit. *wink*

Everything is still like a puddle of mud but hey, life would have been a monotony without those bites.

My apologies for taking you all forgranted. If you must know, I've also been restless and incoherent knowing that such absence might cause anger and dislike! (what the hell am I saying?)

Rest assured I shall update you with what has happeend to the my own Neverland from this day forward. I guess life indeed has a thousand and one reasons to be alive!

My Piece of Shit!

I applaud you all for concocting just sordid thoughts and details about stuff. I can sense that you all indeed have an amusing way of coming up with very intelligible responses. In fact, most of you have inked such powerful words. Moreover, you have crystallized them perfectly.

I respect everyone’s decision and take on things. Hell, I don’t own you and vice-versa. Truth be told, I am happy that this happened. At least now I know what I’m up against. I aint got any regrets. They’re just monumental waste of ma fuckin time.

Regarding that blog incident which I allegedly maintained two other facebook accounts where I wrote and lambasted myself and some people I deemed “family”, you have no idea how THANKFUL I am for you to throw that myth and accused me of such idiocy! I didn’t know that there are perfect people in this god forsaken world.

I should give you all medals for being able to stir my world, waste some tears and eventually ruined the craft that I have perfected – appearing unperturbed. Somebody give some people a trophy!!!! Yada-yada-yada!

If you all must know, I have exhausted all my efforts to change not because I felt that I was already becoming an extreme bitch but because my relationships with some people and their dealings with others have become so affected that I felt it was time to change paradigms. Have forgotten how much I tried to change the way I handle my temper and frustration all for the sake of world peace? Isn’t it a wonder how easily people forget? Thank you, all! Thanks for reminding me.

Obviously, we are still stuck in the dumb days. Let’s cut each other some slack and move on. This is not what I want. And to be brutally honest, —-deleted——. And —deleted—- is a luxury I can’t afford.

I’m sorry for freaking out. I can not control my stream of consciousness which is manifested through my writing. I write what I feel, you know? And besides, it has been ages since the last time I opened my mouth. For the months that have been, I opted to shut up and enjoyed the nonchalance of being scrutinized by people but sometimes, when the void has been filled and the threshold has been met, you just want to explode.

I often use explicit and obscene words and I apologized to the scarred many which have been affected by my writing. You know me. In person, I am anything but cruel and atrocious. I am no saint, that’s for sure.

Don’t confuse me with my writing. The writer in me does not define my persona. These are just my thoughts. Again, some of you know me. We’ve spent time together and I hope that in that brief period of time, you have gotten to know the real me.

Psycho
Attention – seeker
Pain in the corporate world’s ass

Pretty harsh words coming from people.
But hey, ask yourselves again. Am I pointing this to the right person?
Think twice before you start dropping bombs! That is if you even have the capacity to think!

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I will not retract nor modify this. I will stay true to my feelings. I may feel emotionally sober now but sometimes it pays to be honest. I find it cathartic.

I despised people who hide in anonymity when they got shit to say and end up using others as scapegoats! I am a pretty transparent person and I show my vulnerability more often than not. At times, people take advantage of this. I have been hurt a lotta times. I have cried a river. But I don’t want that shit right now. I have better things to do. I don’t know. Shit happens and life is full of it.