Hey!

Hey you!

Yes, you.

You make me oblivious of things that hurt. Thank you!

On Break ups

The thing about break ups is it make you realize how pathetic life has been before that person came into your life.

Apathy. Self - loathe. Domesticity. Enough said.

Hang On

This poker face is not doing me anything.

I just wanna sob right now.

God knows how sharp this pain is.

Dear Trainees

I shouldnt be surprised why you found my blog because the internet is vast and stupid to be puking my name.

Please do not spend so much time reading this crap. You might grow this urgency to kill me in broad daylight.

There are better things to do. And lives to learn from apart from mine that's shitty and crappy.

But nonetheless, please dont hate.

Anne

Calloused

Perhaps it's life's way of teaching me a lesson. That the world is populated with people who are out there to hurt you. That for me to survive, I have to make sure that my defenses are guarded. That my process of cognition is should always be at it's prime otherwise I will yet again go through harrowing pain.

I have issues with people. I question motives and trusting can be a tedious task that I will never learn to perfect. Yes, I am perfectly aware that this stops me from being completely happy but I believe life is too fast for me to notice that I have been sad for the longest time. I cannot even recall the last time I gave out a real smile. More often than not, I have been used to appearing unperturbed and wearing these colorful masks to cover my loneliness has been a hard habit to break.

The world is cunning and life in general is hard. And the people in it? Oh, they can be abusive. They can hurt you like daggers thrusted in your chest over and over. So note to self: Act with caution. Do not swoon over gestures that will fade anyway. Everybody lies. Make believe is everywhere. People are out there to hurt so live life as if everyone's your enemy. Trust no one but yourself. Stay calloused and be safe.

2011: The Year That Was!

I must say, 2011 was not a great year for me. I made stupid and idiotic decisions that tampered and apparently ruined some of my relationships with other people. I lost a lot of special people and voluntarily and involuntarily. I became too occupied with momentary things that I forgot to consider and prioritize the things that are of exreme importance. I made drastic and foolish judgments. I became all the way too selfish that I allowed my self to drown in that quicksand I created for myself that I almost died. I allowed people to use and abuse me because I thought I was insanely happy with the pleasure it was giving me. I forgot to value my self first and foremost. I was a pathetic, all forsaken girl, and I wallowed in self pity.

It was one hell of a year.

After being jobless for a month an 14 days and picking up the pieces one burnt meal at a time, I realized, after years of feeding my useless and wanton desires, that I have to grow up. That I will be turning 29 and I am racing with time. That I have to do a paradigm shift. Life has taught me a whole lot of lessons the past year and I am determined to learn and act on them by heart.

So these are the things that I look forward to this 2012:

Get regularized and take care of your job. (Please good heavens!)
Work hard and play once in a while.
Save at least 5,000 per pay day starting February. Save more and spend less.
Love my self more above anyone else in this planet.
Start a small business with my last pay (please give it to me na).
Take care of the people that stuck with you through shit and back. You can count on them when life walks out on you.
Strive to strengthen my faith in God. (Working on it)
Avoid things and people that cause unnecessary stress.
Get a new passport. (This better gets done before January ends.)
Finish school. I will really do that this year.
Go to HongKong disneyland.
Ride a taxi just at least 5 times a month or less.
Save. Save. Save.

And a lot more...

Life happens when you least expect it. It will start happening soon for me

An Open Letter

Deeeeeeeeeeeeear both, I don't like you. Either of you.

1) Let me address you first, yes you, the whitewashed one. You have an exponentially bothersome habit of re-routing my train of thought while you do your own Sinulog in front of everyone else, and I get stuck in heavy Escario traffic. You're a Magellan dancing like a lunatic. But I'm sorry where are my manners -- Hello, my name's Lapu-Lapu, and this is my sundang, you pontificating Yeti.

2) And speaking of pyrotechnics, yes, I'm speaking to you, you cacophonous corpulent circus Chihuahua. You have some pretty good tricks when your masters are around. which includes barking at anyone, regardless of who that person is. Hey, we report to a leader, so you go yip-yip-yip at our Alpha Male -- that is, if he understands dog-speak -- because it's only respectful to follow the chain of command and deviate only when absolutely necessary, when attempts at following the chain of command has proven futile. And by the way, only cats own humans, not dogs.

Translation: Yip! Yip! Yip-yip! Yip! Arf-arf-arf-yip! Grrrrrrrr --- Yip! Yip! Yip-yip!!! Grrrrrrrrr -- meow meow arf-arf-arf yip!!! Yip!!!

Random Thoughts

Anne is not real.
She used to be a student, but she didn't always go to class.
She's Mormon, but ceased to go to church.
She's a registered voter, but she doesn't always vote.
She's a girl, but... well...
Her hair glistens in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes are like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
She is as tall as a five-foot tree, only without the heels.
Her vocabulary can be as bad as, like, whatever.
But, she likes using alot of other words because the ones she needs to express herself succinctly have not yet been invented.
And she doesn't think every sentence has to end with a period.

Perpetually Bored!

I seriously think I should stop procrastinating.

But this whole training session has been so conducive about me just slacking off.

Perpetual boredome!

Updates!

Hiya!

Started working last Monday and it felt good knowing that I am going to earn again after a month of struggling with my finances. I am picking up the pieces little by little and this time, I am going to make sure that I make appropriate decisions.

The new people around me have been very nice - fromt he guards, frontdesk people, and the rest except though for this asshole who deliberately took my phone and kept it overnight and without no remorse, returned it the following day telling me that he did it in good faith. Well, too bad he chose to do the act to the bitch like me. Because I made sure he is not going to keep his job.

I was also rushed to the clinic last Thursday and baptized the clinic's wheelchair. For some reasons, I experienced this intolerable pain in my tummy and before I knew it, I really felt like fainting. Good gracious the second medicine the sweet nurse gave me did the trick.

We're on our second week. Things have been pretty fast and the trainer is funny and complacent and I just cant wait to get the whole 45 weeks over and done with. Also, my counterpart has been very helpful in almost everything. :)

I guess that's about it for now. I'll keep you posted for more when I have time. *wink*

Inked One More Time

Turns out that colored tattoos are the best after all.. :) I just had another round of pain a month ago. How about you? Why dont you give it a shot?

Canigao!

Oh, what I wouldn't give to bask in the sun every day...

Canigao Island just never cease to mesmerize me!

Perhaps

It's one of those days that I get all too disoriented. Life has been a shot down at destiny and I feel that I am going through hell and back again. I hate the heat. While I live and breathe pressure, I feel that I am standing on the edge of forever, and the past lurking like ghosts from behind.

It's always like that. I appear unperturbed and docile but the truth is I am weak. My body aches from every core and all these stuff weakens me.

Perhaps a week's off would suffice. Perhaps, quitting is a viable option now. Perhaps, cold - blooded murder is the answer. Perhaps...

*sigh*

I can almost feel you beside me as I write this letter. I can smell the scent of aspen that always reminds me of you. And I can picture your lips curve into a smile as you try to decipher my writing. But at this moment, these things offer me no comfort. Our meetings have become less often. And I feel sometimes, that the greatest part of me is slowly slipping away. I am trying, though. At night, when I am alone and whenever my ache seems the most unbearable, you still find a way to return to me -- in my dreams.

Last night, you were smiling, laughing; not the usual expression, lit up by the feeling of intrusion -- you were glad to see me. You held my hand and whispered something unintelligible, nut, unimportant. I was happy. I long for moments like this, more than any other. It is what i live for. And when you return my embrace, I give myself over to this moment.

Forgive me if I am still here -- to love you and hold you. Forgive me if I am still here to learn from you and glad to receive your love (or care) in return. I am here because there is no other place for me to be. I want to love you without clutching, appreciate you without judging, join you without invading, and invite you without demanding. I want to leave you without guilt, criticize you without blaming, and help you without insulting.

I watch with a breaking heart each time you decide to forget about me. I find myself straining to remember everything about that moment, everything about you. But always, always too soon, your image fades away. And I am left to cry, and cry, and cry.

Right now, I am wondering where you are, what you are doing, and why, I marvel as I sit in a dismal state, are we being forced apart by each others monsters? I don't know the answer to these questions, no matter how hard i try to fathom. The reason is already there but my mind forces me to dismiss it and I am torn by trepidation in all my waking hours.

I confess that I think of you, I dream of you, and I conjure you up when I need you most. This is all I can do. I am torn from bereavement to exhaustion. My mind is no longer clouded by "what ifs" but by "whens and whys", and I can never answer the questions in my mind at this time that I am still struggling with myself. When? Why?

Reverberation

Ever morning, I look in the mirror and say, “What are you smiling about?”. I start reminiscing, pondering whether I have anything to thank for from this small and stupid life. I stare blankly at the mirror at first. Then I begin to frown; my forehead starting to wrinkle from the stress of stressing myself. I sigh in frustration and open the faucet. The freezing, 4am temperature of the water wakes me and brings me back to reality. It’s time to go to work. I look around and realize that I’m not the only one grumbling, silently cursing the morning traffic jam. I unknowingly overhear a conversation of two of the jeepney passengers. One mutters, “Sus, ingani nasad ka traffic unyang hapon inig uli. Di na jud mo asenso ang Pilipinas!” (I bet the trafiic situation will be like this later in the after noon. The Philippines will never progress!); her voice trailing off as her words seep into my mind, lodging a thousand words. I was not a philosophy major. But I knew then, that her point of view was one that would give Socrates and his successors a sense of pride for what they had evoked upon the minds of many. I would normally dismiss such words and bury them under the most dorsal part of me, supporting my decision with the fact that I am just a simple citizen of this country, what can I do? But then, I start to think, these are the kind of behavior that bring about such comments.

The jeepney comes to a halt and a guy tries to squeeze his butt inside the crammed up jeepney. The thought that jeepneys have a 18-passenger capacity, provided that the latter is as thin as paper, immediately came fluttering around my think tank. I was going to catch a quick nap before I reached Lahug but then this guy brought out his mobile phone and started punching like crazy, sans the keypad tone which would give any normal person the initiative to plot vengeance. As if this was not irritating enough, we were in a dead zone. Ears are meant to be lent. But they’d rather have taken a back seat that time. The “Message Not Sent” beep was killing my two lovelies! What was this guy trying to do? Give us all auditory defects? Was it me or was everything getting to the driver too? He started honking at the pedestrians crossing the street, oblivious to the fact that the lights already signaled red. I tried shutting my ears from the world during that present scenario but to no avail, I was not able to catch a single wink. All this, and it wasn’t even raining. "Mag taxi jud ko unya inig uli kay para makapahuway ko." (I will definitely hail a cab later so I can rest well.) I got off the “teleserye” ride when we reached Salinas Drive. I hope the 9 - hour shift will zoom past me so I can go home to my friend’s house – my only refuge.

After hours of ranting, I was all ready to go. Drat! It felt like hell stepping out of the office's air-conditioned premises. Just a few steps to the jeepney stop and I was there. As I got in and waited for the jeepney to hit the road, I began to recognize that familiar smell passengers chance to whiff each time they take the ride. When will all the PUJs be equipped with air conditioners or should we say odor blasters? Even the humid atmosphere inside the train seemed to take shape and form a veil around me, making me even more uncomfortable. Little did I know, this was just the beginning of another hilarious adventure. I couldn’t help but smirk when two men started shouting, each accusing the other of having the bad odor. I was grinning from ear to ear and before I knew it, all the other passengers were gregariously laughing, some, routing for one of the two contenders; some, stoking fire on the two’s already heated argument; some, commenting out loud that we all had the same uninviting scent, thanks to the jeepney's crammed up accommodations; and some simply shrugging off the petty incident.

Robinson's Mall! This was where I finally got off. I rode a jeepney to Mandaue, considering the smoke from the passing vehicles my final touch-up. I arrived at A’s house, an ugly wreck. But he smiled, asked me to come in, offered me his towel to freshen up, and bought bottled water from the sari-sari store across. We had a rich conversation of funny experiences and instances you’d love to abhor’ our personal vendettas, and our not-so-secret aspirations. This was when my post-thoughts earlier in the morning came flooding back. What did I have to thank for in my life? Then the answer turned crystal. The simple things of course! Turning bad things into a good laugh, a friend being there for you, signs and mementos of love, prayer. It’s nice to know that everything is not so senseless. That there is always purpose whether it be for the simple reason of reflection, or for the optimistic reason of making a difference.

Every morning, I look in the mirror and say, “What are you smiling about?”. I start reminiscing, pondering whether I have anything to thank for from this small and stupid life. I stare blankly at the mirror at first. Yeah, I have a lot - friends and loved ones, food on the table, the crisp sound of a hundred peso bills, my job, being able to learn a new vocabulary (so feeling genius for a second)... That's indeed a lot! Then I begin to frown; my forehead starting to wrinkle from the stress of stressing myself. I sigh in frustration and open the faucet. I'll just think later. The freezing, 4am temperature of the water wakes me and brings me back to reality. It’s time to go to work.