I can almost feel you beside me as I write this letter. I can smell the scent of aspen that always reminds me of you. And I can picture your lips curve into a smile as you try to decipher my writing. But at this moment, these things offer me no comfort. Our meetings have become less often. And I feel sometimes, that the greatest part of me is slowly slipping away. I am trying, though. At night, when I am alone and whenever my ache seems the most unbearable, you still find a way to return to me -- in my dreams.
Last night, you were smiling, laughing; not the usual expression, lit up by the feeling of intrusion -- you were glad to see me. You held my hand and whispered something unintelligible, nut, unimportant. I was happy. I long for moments like this, more than any other. It is what i live for. And when you return my embrace, I give myself over to this moment.
Forgive me if I am still here -- to love you and hold you. Forgive me if I am still here to learn from you and glad to receive your love (or care) in return. I am here because there is no other place for me to be. I want to love you without clutching, appreciate you without judging, join you without invading, and invite you without demanding. I want to leave you without guilt, criticize you without blaming, and help you without insulting.
I watch with a breaking heart each time you decide to forget about me. I find myself straining to remember everything about that moment, everything about you. But always, always too soon, your image fades away. And I am left to cry, and cry, and cry.
Right now, I am wondering where you are, what you are doing, and why, I marvel as I sit in a dismal state, are we being forced apart by each others monsters? I don't know the answer to these questions, no matter how hard i try to fathom. The reason is already there but my mind forces me to dismiss it and I am torn by trepidation in all my waking hours.
I confess that I think of you, I dream of you, and I conjure you up when I need you most. This is all I can do. I am torn from bereavement to exhaustion. My mind is no longer clouded by "what ifs" but by "whens and whys", and I can never answer the questions in my mind at this time that I am still struggling with myself. When? Why?
Last night, you were smiling, laughing; not the usual expression, lit up by the feeling of intrusion -- you were glad to see me. You held my hand and whispered something unintelligible, nut, unimportant. I was happy. I long for moments like this, more than any other. It is what i live for. And when you return my embrace, I give myself over to this moment.
Forgive me if I am still here -- to love you and hold you. Forgive me if I am still here to learn from you and glad to receive your love (or care) in return. I am here because there is no other place for me to be. I want to love you without clutching, appreciate you without judging, join you without invading, and invite you without demanding. I want to leave you without guilt, criticize you without blaming, and help you without insulting.
I watch with a breaking heart each time you decide to forget about me. I find myself straining to remember everything about that moment, everything about you. But always, always too soon, your image fades away. And I am left to cry, and cry, and cry.
Right now, I am wondering where you are, what you are doing, and why, I marvel as I sit in a dismal state, are we being forced apart by each others monsters? I don't know the answer to these questions, no matter how hard i try to fathom. The reason is already there but my mind forces me to dismiss it and I am torn by trepidation in all my waking hours.
I confess that I think of you, I dream of you, and I conjure you up when I need you most. This is all I can do. I am torn from bereavement to exhaustion. My mind is no longer clouded by "what ifs" but by "whens and whys", and I can never answer the questions in my mind at this time that I am still struggling with myself. When? Why?
3 comments:
hey! Thanks for dropping by...
Wow.. this is amazing. You are a beautiful writer. this really spoke to me. I felt the words as i read each sentence. Its like you read my mind and put my feelings on paper. Its amazing. Incredible keep up the great work :D
@Kayvickay: Hi there! Thanks for dropping by... Im glad some people find my blog interesting. :)
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