If you hate me, then hate me still; because the feeling is mutual!
Malice is always a good outlet for envy, anyway. :)
Night in Purgatory
I watched the light crawl up towards the shadows in my room, lending a sinister countenance to the trees outside the windows. The air was filtered with dust and grime exhausted by the cars that went right past the house. The humid atmosphere was filled with the hustle and bustle of people rushing home after a tiring day.
Despite the noise, I can only feel an acute sense of loneliness.
I could not fathom such longing for things to be different from the way they are. The dream to reach for what I always wanted escapes me time and again. I try to deny that I merely want and do not feel the aching need. But I am more deceptive with myself than with others. I immerse myself in chiaroscuros because I have never known any other way to relieve the silence haunting my soul.
He remains to be the reason for my dementia.
I see the expressionless eyes everyday in my mind. I dared to tread the footsteps that those eyes left behind. It’s a fruitless endeavor for our souls will never meet halfway. Though we reached a different kind of nirvana, a physical exorcism of what should not be, our shadows are too far apart to ever follow the same path, to ever share the same space and to ever share the same joys and pains. And knowing this, I die a little each and every day.
But still I stayed and waited for the crowd to fall silent, for them to stop the chaos wreaking havoc between us, for him to see through the glass wall separating us. I waited for the impossible. For the soul I sought will never find mine. He will never know that I lived under the shelter of shadows just like him, hiding the truth from the rest of the world. Those seemingly vacant eyes will never find out how much I understood his belief that colors are non-existent, just a void of gray shades. He will never realize that I saw colors only through him, every hue mocking me with its clarity and hitting me with a sharp emptiness because I have lost something that never found me.
He will never know that I made him the world.
Look what I got.... (part1)
So this is indeed the season of giving.. And guess what? I got these for Christmas. Staring off with a box of chocolates straight from Singapore from my balikabayan High School batchmate, Rey Talam. :) (big happy!!!)
A box of lollipops from Anjo. And no, they are not the ordinary pops. Because the stick lights when bended. And boy, was I thrilled knowing I have 20 pieces them to nibble while looking happily at it's glow. (feels like a kid, I swear!)
And who would forget this? 2 boxes of chocolate cake that melts in your mouth from Desiree.. Weeee... my happiness cannot be contained!
To every one who gave me wonderful gifts and to those who greeted me a merry Christmas, I send you all t he love in the world!
What about you guys? What did you get?
A Wrinkled Leaf
The sheets of empty canvas lay sprawled on the floor. She was not compelled to do anything as her thoughts were turned from bereavement to exhaustion. I fell for him. I loathe him. My life is misery. She had no more illusions. She had lost them in her travels. How must I demote myself to the tepid position of friends? How could I possibly drown myself in oblivion? Questions. They just transcend in the wind. Questions without answers. She cannot endure it, and so she flees, like a man bolting from his bed to escape nightmare. Finally she halts, somewhat calmed though hardly at peace, on a rise beyond the sanity she thought she ruled. Here, almost like a man in search for salvation, she gazes outside the glass house. How has it come to this? The answers swim up from the depths of her mind, like shimmering scenes painted on shards of glass: she was a wild child with moments of bitterness. Happiness had not come to her early in life. A thousand years of it would not have made her blasé. Her palate for all the joys of sense and care was unspoiled. Nothing would have been wasted on her. A noble hunger, long and unsatisfied met at last its proper food, and almost instantly the food was snatched away. Fate ( or whatever it is ) delights to produce a great capacity and then frustrate it. Now, she sits in her bedchamber, slowly scanning from one corner of the room to another, from the sea of her sanity to the shadowy jumble broken by the flicker of unclean light which has become her “destiny”. I fell for him. I loathe him. My life is misery. Need I say more?While the world turns...
...i'm stuck in the office with 18 trainees while over 60 people from my High School batch are having the time of their lives at a lovely resort somewhere in the heart of Bohol where vowels rise in tongues like yeast!
Tell me, why on heavens do I have work on a freakin Saturday evening? :(
Enjoy the Reunion, Trailblazers! Yes, I'm gonna wallow in self - pity 'till the next reunion! *sigh*
P.S
Van Phillip Baton, if you are reading this, I implore all the gods that you keep your mouth shut else you'll deny the day you were freakin born! Believe me, thinking about "it" feels like Atlas bearing the whole world on his shoulders. I kid you not!
Tell me, why on heavens do I have work on a freakin Saturday evening? :(
Enjoy the Reunion, Trailblazers! Yes, I'm gonna wallow in self - pity 'till the next reunion! *sigh*
P.S
Van Phillip Baton, if you are reading this, I implore all the gods that you keep your mouth shut else you'll deny the day you were freakin born! Believe me, thinking about "it" feels like Atlas bearing the whole world on his shoulders. I kid you not!
I just wanna say...
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all!!!
May you're holidays be filled with joy, laughter, food and another year - while not perfect, full of hope and warmth. :)
May you're holidays be filled with joy, laughter, food and another year - while not perfect, full of hope and warmth. :)
Random Sunday
My ears have been bombarded by songs from Dishwalla all day. Boredom was my new friend and so all I could do was listen to music and reminisce. No sleep for this fair maiden. Every moving color, every intricate detail seemed to move me with renewed beauty. "I'm alive again," I secretly uttered. Content was in the air. And so, I flew. And I remember asking my dear readers, "Why do we cry"? During my time of distraught, I asked the fleeting question. Waking moments during ungodly hours of the night, full of reveries -- fear, melancholy and then misery. I thought of forgetting. I thought of digging up a hole and burying the disparity that left this soul scarred and calloused like a weary wench. But despair is never without glee when there is acceptance. And so I taught myself to accept. Numbness at first but everything started to fall into place after much hardship.
At the moment, let me re-iterate the question. What makes us smile? When we smile, do we not fear that it will only last for a few milliseconds before it disappears into oblivion, forgotten, and never mentioned again? Do we smile because it's for free, knowing that everything in this world costs something? I'm such a fool. I'm such a fool. In this little world, there will always be rich and poor. Rich in gifts. Poor in gifts. Rich in love. Poor in love. Always something to envy our neighbors about. Always something there to appropriate. And it's never enough. Sigh! Maybe this is not for me. Maybe love is not for me. I'm too afraid. I know that I should not torment myself with such cruel contemplations. But this is me. This is human.
It's going to be Christmas real soon but it seems like it is going to just an ordinary day for me again... *sigh* well, at least I have another year to look forward to!
* Hah! I started sketching again...
At the moment, let me re-iterate the question. What makes us smile? When we smile, do we not fear that it will only last for a few milliseconds before it disappears into oblivion, forgotten, and never mentioned again? Do we smile because it's for free, knowing that everything in this world costs something? I'm such a fool. I'm such a fool. In this little world, there will always be rich and poor. Rich in gifts. Poor in gifts. Rich in love. Poor in love. Always something to envy our neighbors about. Always something there to appropriate. And it's never enough. Sigh! Maybe this is not for me. Maybe love is not for me. I'm too afraid. I know that I should not torment myself with such cruel contemplations. But this is me. This is human.
It's going to be Christmas real soon but it seems like it is going to just an ordinary day for me again... *sigh* well, at least I have another year to look forward to!
* Hah! I started sketching again...
Hearts, ahoy!
I stare at you every single day. Not only that. Im given the chance to simply get close to you - close enough that I can smell the scent of your being and the sound of your breath. Yes, I wallow in the belief that perhaps you'ld notice this seemingly irreverent actions I do when I am in oblivion with you.
You're soulful eyes, oh how they rock my little world. Your disturbingly attractive features that render me like a candle melting into the night. Those tender lips that make me smile those blues away. Your gorgeous graces and your wicked glances on the sly. Tsk!
Damn, I've got a crush on you! Weeeee...
Yippppeee!!
So look what I got as an early Christmas present?? Yes, these pretty Lacoste (Lacoste, baby!!!) slip ons from my pretty friend, CHLOE... Weeeee...
Oh, how I love friends. Not just for their company but their capacity to make me feel oh, so special... Weeeee....
Thank you, Chloe Marie Amores! My heart is just jumping for joy! I am so well loved.
Merry Christmas everyone!
There. Just right for my size and I couldnt contain the happiness because I've never bought a Lacoste pair for myself considering the price.. But yes, I have it right in front of me... Cunningly beautiful and disturbingly great!
Oh, how I love friends. Not just for their company but their capacity to make me feel oh, so special... Weeeee....
Thank you, Chloe Marie Amores! My heart is just jumping for joy! I am so well loved.
Merry Christmas everyone!
I miss you!
So I went to your floor to visit. I didnt see you at 12 midnight today. I was disappointed to find out that you weren't on your usual spot. You must have transferred, I figured. I found out later today that you're sick. In fact you've been sick for a number of days now. :(
I couldnt ask your friends where you are for reasons we both know. Ours is an oblivious affair to begin with. Clandestine moments and holding hands while no one is watching. It gives me chills down my spine while enjoying every minute of this seemingly anonymous fantasy with you. It's like Cinderella swooning over prince charming - that kind of crap!
I missed you. I've been missing you like crazy the past days but I wouldnt dare text you first. I feel that the coast is not clear all the time and I dont wanna be the cause of you and you're girl's fight. And I swear, I feel like a mad woman on the loose everyday that we are not talking! It is absurd and insane, I know but what can I do? Fact doesnt stand a chance against emotions, anyway.
I've asked myself a million times what will become of us? What will make of these surreptitious longings, these relationship acquired in stealth? Ah, wherever this may lead us, no regrets. In the mean time let me hold on to our vow of secrecy, our unbridled passion, our hopeless state... :(
Damn, I miss you!
*sigh*
360 Degrees!
I am a non conformist. I dont go by the book. I bend laws and break rules. I feel that learning is not just about memorizing theories and figuring out solutions. It's also about laughing, interacting, and exchanging thoughts with the people you're with. My training class is always not a home of docile trainees who obey without question. I always make it a point to create a comfortable environment where my trainees can talk about anything under the sun. They can talk in pidgin english peppered with cebuano every now and then. I'm also the type of trainer who goes to lunch with her trainees anywhere. I hate it when I get introduced to their relatives or friends outside the office as "the trainer" because really, my being a trainer, who commands authority inside the training room rests inside the training room and nowehere else. Yes, I'm cool that way.
But sometimes, your being cool becomes an avenue for complacency. You get abused by people and worse, they suck your energy out. I am pissed big time. Disappointed to say the least. And so, from the cool and candid trainer that I am; I will shift. I will shift to that conventional trainer. That bitchy trainer who makes her trainees' lives miserable. That trainer who has learned to leave his heart locked in the void recesses of her unconsciousness. I will be that trainer who doesnt show empathy.
I will be everyone's worst nightmare!
Monday Rants
Definitely I am not the first one to say that I am sick and tired of what is happening in our country right now. I do not actually want to sound like a damned whiner but things are really frustrating. Compound that exponentially due to all the election brouhaha. The air is thick not only of Metro Cebu's pollution but of pretension and falsity.
I woke up at 1am earlier and decided to surf my heart out. I remembered the HARAPAN: 2010 Presidential Forum which happened a week ago at ABS - CBN. I decided to download the videos and watch it again. What I thought to be a boring Monday dawn sickened me to the core by just listening to some candidates answers . I almost rolled on the floor laughing at Erap's answer when he was asked, "What is one vice or luxury that you cannot live without?" And the answer? "..... ang luho na maglingkod sa mga mahihirap" Hahahahahahaha... And let's save the world from cavities!!! Can't these people understand that this is not a joke that just cracked or a hide and seek game? This is a matter of national security. Good for them, they have riches to splurge into. Seeing such display of wealth, while knowing in the back of my mind that a very good number of the Filipino population does not even have pan de sal on the table that morning, agitated the radical thinker in me. Politicians promise the same things over and over again but assess life right now and you would see that there is no better life for the Filipino, save for the politicians themselves of course, when you see their mansions and luxury cars displayed everywhere...
The grand questions pop up: "When does the politicking stop? When does self gain stop and when does service start?” I remember one of my assertions during the last elections. I remember myself saying, “Screw politicking! Why can’t these candidates realize that running for any office is running for a position of service and NOT self-service at that?” I said those definitely with particular reference to all the issues that surrounded that occasion.
In about a few months time, we notch another mark in our history. I am to exercise my right to suffrage and I am just hopeful (even more idealistic) that my vote ushers in change. However, I am finding it hard to choose who I am to vote for. But yes, Im seriously eyeing on Dick Gordon, Noynoy Aquino, and Gibo Teodoro to be the strong contenders for the post. I were to choose one basing on the forum that I watched, I'd pick Dick Gordon. But still, just a few months before the elections and still, I see no solid platforms.
This makes me think twice about what a friend labels as “futility of circumstance.” She says that the national elections is just a toss-coin decision, either some movie actor wins or someone gets re-elected. It sounds too pessimistic for someone like me as I choose to hope. But in thinking about what is real, some courses of action are indeed futile.
Perhaps in Judeo-Christian tradition we are all hoping for some Messiah to come along. But there is no dice on that. Well, perhaps life really is a gamble. You cast a vote on someone hoping that that person would usher in the ideals that you hope for. In a lapse of three or six years, you would come to a thinking, “Shit, I just got suckered. Sucks to be me!” In that case, it sucks to be us. As a republic, we are all in this together, hell or high costs of living.
Every election time, we drown in every bullshit there is. Is it Utopian to hope for a cleaner and more hygienic governance? When do we stop electing self-serving politicians and start putting public-serving statesmen in positions that would spend taxpayer’s money on us, the Filipino people? But wait, do we even have public servants in the first place? I hope.
Lastly, I'd like to quote Dick Gordon in one of his statements in HARAPAN, "What this country needs is not just a change OF men but a change IN men... we must be a sincerely changed country." So help us God! But in the end, for me, if hope becomes futile, perhaps a revolution is a worthwhile substitute.
I woke up at 1am earlier and decided to surf my heart out. I remembered the HARAPAN: 2010 Presidential Forum which happened a week ago at ABS - CBN. I decided to download the videos and watch it again. What I thought to be a boring Monday dawn sickened me to the core by just listening to some candidates answers . I almost rolled on the floor laughing at Erap's answer when he was asked, "What is one vice or luxury that you cannot live without?" And the answer? "..... ang luho na maglingkod sa mga mahihirap" Hahahahahahaha... And let's save the world from cavities!!! Can't these people understand that this is not a joke that just cracked or a hide and seek game? This is a matter of national security. Good for them, they have riches to splurge into. Seeing such display of wealth, while knowing in the back of my mind that a very good number of the Filipino population does not even have pan de sal on the table that morning, agitated the radical thinker in me. Politicians promise the same things over and over again but assess life right now and you would see that there is no better life for the Filipino, save for the politicians themselves of course, when you see their mansions and luxury cars displayed everywhere...
The grand questions pop up: "When does the politicking stop? When does self gain stop and when does service start?” I remember one of my assertions during the last elections. I remember myself saying, “Screw politicking! Why can’t these candidates realize that running for any office is running for a position of service and NOT self-service at that?” I said those definitely with particular reference to all the issues that surrounded that occasion.
In about a few months time, we notch another mark in our history. I am to exercise my right to suffrage and I am just hopeful (even more idealistic) that my vote ushers in change. However, I am finding it hard to choose who I am to vote for. But yes, Im seriously eyeing on Dick Gordon, Noynoy Aquino, and Gibo Teodoro to be the strong contenders for the post. I were to choose one basing on the forum that I watched, I'd pick Dick Gordon. But still, just a few months before the elections and still, I see no solid platforms.
This makes me think twice about what a friend labels as “futility of circumstance.” She says that the national elections is just a toss-coin decision, either some movie actor wins or someone gets re-elected. It sounds too pessimistic for someone like me as I choose to hope. But in thinking about what is real, some courses of action are indeed futile.
Perhaps in Judeo-Christian tradition we are all hoping for some Messiah to come along. But there is no dice on that. Well, perhaps life really is a gamble. You cast a vote on someone hoping that that person would usher in the ideals that you hope for. In a lapse of three or six years, you would come to a thinking, “Shit, I just got suckered. Sucks to be me!” In that case, it sucks to be us. As a republic, we are all in this together, hell or high costs of living.
Every election time, we drown in every bullshit there is. Is it Utopian to hope for a cleaner and more hygienic governance? When do we stop electing self-serving politicians and start putting public-serving statesmen in positions that would spend taxpayer’s money on us, the Filipino people? But wait, do we even have public servants in the first place? I hope.
Lastly, I'd like to quote Dick Gordon in one of his statements in HARAPAN, "What this country needs is not just a change OF men but a change IN men... we must be a sincerely changed country." So help us God! But in the end, for me, if hope becomes futile, perhaps a revolution is a worthwhile substitute.
The Hardest Job!
You have no idea what I'm dealing with down there! Teeth placement, jaw stress, suction, gag reflex and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breath through my nose. Easy? They don't call it a freaking JOB for nothing.
On Virginity
Yes, I'm a 26 year old virgin and I dont give a rat's ass if you mock me to death. We all have our choices, right? Anyways, I was surfing my way to netsville and came across this anonymous comment posted in one of the forums:
“IF A man truly loves a woman, then he does not care if the woman is still a virgin or not. But if a woman would truly love a man, then she would not give herself just to anyone else because she knows what she will give is special only to that man.”
I may be shot down for saying this, but I believe that love is just a fleeting emotion — whether it fleets for seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, decades…
I fall in love every damned day. It doesn’t mean, though, that I want to spend my life with every person — or everything — that I fall in love with. For instance, I am in love with my neighbor’s dog, Sebastian. I say that I am in love because I feel a special joy when I scratch Sebastian’s ears and whisper, “I wuv ya! I wuv ya so much!” I am in love with my friends back home, because even though I’m so far away, their love spans the seas to make me feel like I’m still with them and they’re with me. I am in love with my housemate, though with what particular degree of love, I haven’t really defined yet — I just know that she will always have a special place in my heart. Most surprisingly, I have fallen in love with God, after all those years of spurning His presence in my life. I feel very whole. I may not agree with everything that the Church says I should do with my life, but the love for God is there, and that’s what counts.
I believe that love may appear suddenly, or brew over time. I believe that two people can say that they love each other, without truly meaning what they say, just as two people can go through the rest of their lives loving each other but never having to say that they do.
I believe that for as long as a person decides that he or she truly loves, then he or she truly loves. Period. If that person gives her/himself to another because of that emotion, it should not be taken in judgement against her/him, because it was done in love.
What really irritated me about the comment was the part about the girl not giving “herself just to anyone else because she knows what she will give is special only to that man.” I’m sorry, but I find this comment absolutely barbaric! I agree with what someone has said: “I refuse to base my value as a human being on a piece of organic tissue!” What should be most valuable is the act of love itself. And so what if that piece of tissue is not present? Most of the time, it just means that the woman has loved before — once again I use “love” as an emotion, and not in the conventional “state of mind” manner. And that she appraised that emotion with the act of love. What could possibly be wrong with that? Forget about the strict rules of the Church. I’m talking about what we inherently believe is right and wrong. If we feel the love, why shouldn’t we show it? Or if we do, why do we get condemned for it? Is it because other people are envious that they cannot do the same?
When Catholic guilt starts infiltrating our definitions of love and our definition of the worth of a human being, there’s obviously something wrong somewhere. Morality isn’t the same as self-righteousness.
The male desire to bed a virgin is all hinged on a sense of machismo. Of conquering uncharted territory. Of owning something that no one ever had. Like dogs peeing on fire hydrants. Or old women buying up limited Faberge eggs. The reason why they want to marry a virgin is because of an inherent insecurity at being compared to past lovers. Of falling short of expectations. Of having to live in the shadow of another man who introduced his wife to the ecstasy of sensual pleasure. It’s a man’s greatest fear. The lack of control and power.
Only shallow men measure love by the tightness of a woman’s vagina and the dryness of her labia at his first touch.
But women aren’t fire hydrants. Nor are they lands to be conquered. Real men know that the value of a woman isn’t automatically diminished when her hymen breaks. The value of a woman isn’t between her legs. It’s in her mind and in her heart.
Love wipes away sin. That’s the one teaching of the Church that I’ll always remember. The other bible-thumping pieces of archaeology, I can do without. On the other hand, love isn’t an easy way out. It’s not an excuse. It shouldn’t come cheaply. But, it doesn’t mean, it shouldn’t come at all.
Because love is an emotion to me, I feel that it should be simple. It’s either there, or it isn’t. It has degrees, but they are measured relatively, depending on the life experiences of the person who’s loving. That why I also believe that no two people can love equally, because no two people have had the same exact life. In effect, when we say that we love someone, the other person may mistake what we mean by “love” for his or her own interpretation of love. The result? Confusion, chaos, havoc, like a Star Trek battle scene between the Enterprise and a Romulan Bird-of-Prey.
At this moment, I can’t count with the fingers of both my hands the number of friends I have who are in the middle of love problems. Honestly, the only problem that they have that I can see from my vantage point is some form of miscommunication. Things are not made clear to all the parties involved. And then they say, “But we love each other, we’ll get through this!” I have to shake my head. Okay, you love each other, and that’s what brought you together. But to stay together, you make a commitment to each other. Therefore, what they should say is “But we are committed to each other, we’ll get through this!” It may not sound as romantic, but it’s as closest to the truth as you’ll ever get. Let’s be honest. When your special someone makes a gross mistake about calling you by the name of an ex-, you’re not exactly feeling the love at that moment. Correct? But because you have felt an intense amount of love for that person in the past, you are willing to talk things over so that you can feel that love again. That’s not love working, that’s commitment.
There’s just too many people in the world, too many life experiences, too many opinions, to actually make one general statement about love. Basta sa akin, kung mahal mo yung isang tao, mahal mo siya. Yun lang yon. But don’t expect that just because you love someone, they owe it to you to love you back. The game isn’t played that way. Relationships come about because two people start to feel love for each other at the same time. If you’re not loved back, then you’re not. But don’t let that stop you from loving that person anyway. You can’t exchange love like it’s money. I guess that’s my point: love is not a commodity. It’s not like “O, love tika ha, dapat you'll love me this way too!” But think about this for a moment. If we could all love without expectations, I think we’d all be happier. That’s what I think.
“IF A man truly loves a woman, then he does not care if the woman is still a virgin or not. But if a woman would truly love a man, then she would not give herself just to anyone else because she knows what she will give is special only to that man.”
I may be shot down for saying this, but I believe that love is just a fleeting emotion — whether it fleets for seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, decades…
I fall in love every damned day. It doesn’t mean, though, that I want to spend my life with every person — or everything — that I fall in love with. For instance, I am in love with my neighbor’s dog, Sebastian. I say that I am in love because I feel a special joy when I scratch Sebastian’s ears and whisper, “I wuv ya! I wuv ya so much!” I am in love with my friends back home, because even though I’m so far away, their love spans the seas to make me feel like I’m still with them and they’re with me. I am in love with my housemate, though with what particular degree of love, I haven’t really defined yet — I just know that she will always have a special place in my heart. Most surprisingly, I have fallen in love with God, after all those years of spurning His presence in my life. I feel very whole. I may not agree with everything that the Church says I should do with my life, but the love for God is there, and that’s what counts.
I believe that love may appear suddenly, or brew over time. I believe that two people can say that they love each other, without truly meaning what they say, just as two people can go through the rest of their lives loving each other but never having to say that they do.
I believe that for as long as a person decides that he or she truly loves, then he or she truly loves. Period. If that person gives her/himself to another because of that emotion, it should not be taken in judgement against her/him, because it was done in love.
What really irritated me about the comment was the part about the girl not giving “herself just to anyone else because she knows what she will give is special only to that man.” I’m sorry, but I find this comment absolutely barbaric! I agree with what someone has said: “I refuse to base my value as a human being on a piece of organic tissue!” What should be most valuable is the act of love itself. And so what if that piece of tissue is not present? Most of the time, it just means that the woman has loved before — once again I use “love” as an emotion, and not in the conventional “state of mind” manner. And that she appraised that emotion with the act of love. What could possibly be wrong with that? Forget about the strict rules of the Church. I’m talking about what we inherently believe is right and wrong. If we feel the love, why shouldn’t we show it? Or if we do, why do we get condemned for it? Is it because other people are envious that they cannot do the same?
When Catholic guilt starts infiltrating our definitions of love and our definition of the worth of a human being, there’s obviously something wrong somewhere. Morality isn’t the same as self-righteousness.
The male desire to bed a virgin is all hinged on a sense of machismo. Of conquering uncharted territory. Of owning something that no one ever had. Like dogs peeing on fire hydrants. Or old women buying up limited Faberge eggs. The reason why they want to marry a virgin is because of an inherent insecurity at being compared to past lovers. Of falling short of expectations. Of having to live in the shadow of another man who introduced his wife to the ecstasy of sensual pleasure. It’s a man’s greatest fear. The lack of control and power.
Only shallow men measure love by the tightness of a woman’s vagina and the dryness of her labia at his first touch.
But women aren’t fire hydrants. Nor are they lands to be conquered. Real men know that the value of a woman isn’t automatically diminished when her hymen breaks. The value of a woman isn’t between her legs. It’s in her mind and in her heart.
Love wipes away sin. That’s the one teaching of the Church that I’ll always remember. The other bible-thumping pieces of archaeology, I can do without. On the other hand, love isn’t an easy way out. It’s not an excuse. It shouldn’t come cheaply. But, it doesn’t mean, it shouldn’t come at all.
Because love is an emotion to me, I feel that it should be simple. It’s either there, or it isn’t. It has degrees, but they are measured relatively, depending on the life experiences of the person who’s loving. That why I also believe that no two people can love equally, because no two people have had the same exact life. In effect, when we say that we love someone, the other person may mistake what we mean by “love” for his or her own interpretation of love. The result? Confusion, chaos, havoc, like a Star Trek battle scene between the Enterprise and a Romulan Bird-of-Prey.
At this moment, I can’t count with the fingers of both my hands the number of friends I have who are in the middle of love problems. Honestly, the only problem that they have that I can see from my vantage point is some form of miscommunication. Things are not made clear to all the parties involved. And then they say, “But we love each other, we’ll get through this!” I have to shake my head. Okay, you love each other, and that’s what brought you together. But to stay together, you make a commitment to each other. Therefore, what they should say is “But we are committed to each other, we’ll get through this!” It may not sound as romantic, but it’s as closest to the truth as you’ll ever get. Let’s be honest. When your special someone makes a gross mistake about calling you by the name of an ex-, you’re not exactly feeling the love at that moment. Correct? But because you have felt an intense amount of love for that person in the past, you are willing to talk things over so that you can feel that love again. That’s not love working, that’s commitment.
There’s just too many people in the world, too many life experiences, too many opinions, to actually make one general statement about love. Basta sa akin, kung mahal mo yung isang tao, mahal mo siya. Yun lang yon. But don’t expect that just because you love someone, they owe it to you to love you back. The game isn’t played that way. Relationships come about because two people start to feel love for each other at the same time. If you’re not loved back, then you’re not. But don’t let that stop you from loving that person anyway. You can’t exchange love like it’s money. I guess that’s my point: love is not a commodity. It’s not like “O, love tika ha, dapat you'll love me this way too!” But think about this for a moment. If we could all love without expectations, I think we’d all be happier. That’s what I think.
Happy!!!
So I was strutting the streets of Colon earlier with two friends when D, motioned us to the other side of the street and saw this:
Oh, it was just heavenly. Th kernels where peppered with cheese poweder and soaked in melted butter. Waaaaa... So much for trying to lose weight! Tsk!
Okay, I am not really a fan of street food for obvious, health reasons. I mean, don't get me wrong. I am not choosy but when it comes to food uberly exposed on the streets to dirty air and rubbish, you can't just help but have second thoughts. It's costly to get sick you know. But the corn kernels just looked so yummy and inviting that we all never had a moment of hesitation and bought a glass each.
Oh, it was just heavenly. Th kernels where peppered with cheese poweder and soaked in melted butter. Waaaaa... So much for trying to lose weight! Tsk!
How much?
How do you measure yourself?
I've seen people measure themselves by the number of friends they have, how many expensive shoes they own, what their GPA's are. I've known people who value themselves by the pound, by the inch, by the complexity of their words or by the magnitude of their paycheck. We keep trying to create value for ourselves every day. We put our lives on the auction block and keep hoping that someone bids higher and higher. The bill keeps adding up: good job, nice new car, no college debts, trust funds, never been touched, never been kissed, one, twice, three times a lady.
Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to have people come with the same information you find in the side panels of cereal boxes. Product trivia, nutrition information, ingredients, freshness guarantee, recipes to enhance the experience of consumption and expiry dates. In this consumer driven world, people are starting to look like commodities anyway. Sometimes, the standards by which we measure ourselves could hardly be considered human.
How much would it cost to keep it? Which country did it come from? How old is it? Has it been trained? Does it come with a lifetime warranty? Is it rare? Is it real? I guess, the difference between me and a bag of potato chips is that it would hurt me terribly if I were left alone on a shelf. Or if I were red-tagged. Or if I were put on a blue-light special. It would just about push me to expiration if I were placed on the sale rack or if I ever found myself in the return/exchange counter.
I'd hate to think that we consume people now. I don't want to have to worry about the re-sale value of my future children. Measure per pound of flesh.
How much do we pay for the heart?
On men...
I may be shot down for saying this but I believe that MEN are the most barbaric form of animals! They make the best of pests. They devour like lions and they hurt like the most venomous snake!
Pissed, Bigtime!!!
WTF?!?! B*llsh*t in 100 different languages!!!!
We spent almost 3 hours trying to reset passwords which is supposedly done in a matter of 30 minutes for all 20 advisors and yes, I almost saw my self cussing because some idiot just screwed the trainees' file up! Why the hell would you erroneously enter an employee's birthdate when all your life, you've been doing that? If it's mediocrity then I summon all the gods to cast their wrath on you because really, I've wasted 3 hours of my freakin time trying to reset the goddamn passwords and I have tons of modules to discuss!!!
Oh, yes! This bitch is freaking mad I can pass for a bull, willing to trade its life just to kill all the matadors in the world!
God bless America but I swear if this happens again, I'll make sure that, that stupid idiot will deny the day he was fuckin born!
Go find another job, you imbecile! This industry is not fit for one as idiotic as you are!
Oh, the rain gently falls!
I love the rain. Ever since I can remember, I've always enjoyed sitting under the weeping sky. I like to think of it a God's tears (back when I was more...errrr... religious) that He sheds to cleanse His people.In a way, despite my... err... religiosity's decline, I still felt cleansed by the rain.
When I was about 2 years old, a big storm hit Bohol. Flood waters reached my uncle's hip. I know because we walked across the street to the still-open sari-sari store, with me on his hip, my little feet dipped in the dirty water. Most of the houses around us were completely submerged. Those with second floors looked like bungalows perched directly on water. Broken branches and debris floated around the oily gray sea. Lighting flashed. The wind howled. The heavens wailed.
But I looked up the sky in awe. I felt the raindrops kiss my face. Tiny cherub kisses. Gifts from God.
I saw the rain as a boon, even as flood waters rose higher.
Thus my love affair with the rain began.
Now that I think of it, most of my memories involve the rain.
As kids, my brother and I would run around the garden half-naked, with beach-pails in our hands and try to catch as much rain as we could. We had this long-running notion that saving the rain would mean good luck when we bathed with it in the shower. Ahhh...the innocence of youth.
I remember getting caught in a downpour with my other brother when I fetched him from kindergarten. Instead of cowering under the waiting shed or seeking the protection of umbrellas and raincoats we braved the lightning to walk home hand in hand, splashing in the puddles and dancing on the people-empty streets. Sure, I got scolded for walking my brother through the rain and risking getting hit by lighting. But it was worth seeing my brother smile and hearing him laugh. And of course, dancing in the rain.
When I got news that I passed the entrance exam to some universities for college, it rained. I found it unusual that a thunderstorm brewed, matured and dropped its cargo barely two minutes after I opened the envelope containing the results. Needless to say, I threw all caution to the wind and ran around the neighborhood with the other kids as the rain pelted down on us and the flood waters threatened to posion us with every microbe and virus it could contain.
Even in the campus (during high school), the rain continued to brighten my day (ironic no?). I remember walking around the campus, letting the water soak into my hideous pink - colored skirt and allowing it to render my white - toned blouse practically transparent. I kicked up a spray of water from a puddle and sang insane songs with my friends as we performed our wet procession. Sometimes, we'd don our shoes and crappiest clothes and play slipper game in the mud, despite the repeated warnings that we might be hit by lightning.
My first heartbreak happened under the rain. He was my closest friend at a time when I felt all my other "friends" had abandoned me in exchange for their own pursuits. I had believed it was love, but I grew to realize that I fell in love with the idea of love rather than with him. Still the rain did not ease the pain of losing a friend to a (wrong) illusion of love. Ironically, it was raining when he and I met again years later. Me in a fresh new relationship, him just out of a stormy one.
It's raining now. Despite the wet, eecky, and dirty feeling of having to trod on still waters and muddy streets while trying to hail a cab, I am surprisingly grinning. Perhaps a lot of people are cursing the rain now. A mother somewhere might be furious that it ruined a perfectly sunny day to dry the day's laundry. Or a dad complaining that he just washed the car and the rain has spoiled the waxy shine it had.
But as for me, I'm still watching the rain drench the earth and suffuse it with new life. Who knows? Maybe it’ll infuse me with more life.
Just Wrong..
I have always felt it was enough. I gave up the instant I felt a flutter of butterfly wings in my stomach. I gave up the instant I felt blood making its way to redden my cheeks. Because he was so wrong for me and it scares me because the feeling was so right.
I was out of my mind when I first met him. Before, he was just this nameless, lanky person I might have seen before but never noticed. I would often joke about his employment and how he'd get to be terminated one day. Then one instance drew us together. We simply held hands and kissed in one of those booze revelry. Alcohol must have crept in our souls that we didnt care how the world around us reacted to the very unlikely gesture we did. (And seriously, that incident got me thinking for a while!)
I see him every day. He would give me lip-cracking smiles. I got so occupied with the thought of our clandestine "affair". And every time I'm with him, he would keep on looking at me as if the next play was written across my forehead, every time… and I loved it.
And as if it was a miracle, I fell. It pained me so that he filled my head, that he was my first thought in the morning and the last one at night. Sometimes, I wonder if he realizes the fact that he was so special for me.
I was never a really romantic person. I frown at affectionate displays. But I love surprises. I am a sweet friend and a sweet significant other but sometimes, the lone thought of being a significant other makes me nauseous. Ironically, I fell… badly that I have upstaged both Romeo and Juliet. Got that right, it was forbidden love. Twenty-first century forbidden love--- when they say it’s okay to follow your heart and yet cling to their point well made. Personally, I would have preferred that they have said “no chance on this case, honey!” But they haven't and it makes it a lot worse to realize that the choice was mine.
So I went. I followed my heart, without thinking. It was one of the rare moments when I did not even think. I loved being around him. I loved being near him. I loved our silly talks, his smile, his eyes, his stare which burned me inside. With him, it was bliss… but without him? That was a different story.
I spent my nights thinking of us, of everything about us. How am I supposed to carry a feeling that is unfavored from the very start? What am I supposed to say to make him stay? I don’t know… I just dont know why of all people, him.. It got me thinking why I was willing to swerve from my beliefs for him. Aahhhhh, stupidity can beat the hell out of my heart and brain! Damn it!
Was I weak? Perhaps. Did I seem so desperate? May be tried so hard not to blame him for this. He had his life before he met me. All I wanted was to be part of it.
No, it wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t weak and desperate. I know now that I was just a victim of circumstance. Absurd, I know. Before, I never believed in destiny for it is, for me, another romantic notion. But it’s true; shit really happens, the type you can’t control. Well, maybe because it is just not meant to be.
And though I still hold on to his smile, to his thought, to his silly antics and text messages, I realize that as much as a wrong person truly exists a right one probably does, too. Knowing that is enough for me to move on.
I was out of my mind when I first met him. Before, he was just this nameless, lanky person I might have seen before but never noticed. I would often joke about his employment and how he'd get to be terminated one day. Then one instance drew us together. We simply held hands and kissed in one of those booze revelry. Alcohol must have crept in our souls that we didnt care how the world around us reacted to the very unlikely gesture we did. (And seriously, that incident got me thinking for a while!)
I see him every day. He would give me lip-cracking smiles. I got so occupied with the thought of our clandestine "affair". And every time I'm with him, he would keep on looking at me as if the next play was written across my forehead, every time… and I loved it.
And as if it was a miracle, I fell. It pained me so that he filled my head, that he was my first thought in the morning and the last one at night. Sometimes, I wonder if he realizes the fact that he was so special for me.
I was never a really romantic person. I frown at affectionate displays. But I love surprises. I am a sweet friend and a sweet significant other but sometimes, the lone thought of being a significant other makes me nauseous. Ironically, I fell… badly that I have upstaged both Romeo and Juliet. Got that right, it was forbidden love. Twenty-first century forbidden love--- when they say it’s okay to follow your heart and yet cling to their point well made. Personally, I would have preferred that they have said “no chance on this case, honey!” But they haven't and it makes it a lot worse to realize that the choice was mine.
So I went. I followed my heart, without thinking. It was one of the rare moments when I did not even think. I loved being around him. I loved being near him. I loved our silly talks, his smile, his eyes, his stare which burned me inside. With him, it was bliss… but without him? That was a different story.
I spent my nights thinking of us, of everything about us. How am I supposed to carry a feeling that is unfavored from the very start? What am I supposed to say to make him stay? I don’t know… I just dont know why of all people, him.. It got me thinking why I was willing to swerve from my beliefs for him. Aahhhhh, stupidity can beat the hell out of my heart and brain! Damn it!
Was I weak? Perhaps. Did I seem so desperate? May be tried so hard not to blame him for this. He had his life before he met me. All I wanted was to be part of it.
No, it wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t weak and desperate. I know now that I was just a victim of circumstance. Absurd, I know. Before, I never believed in destiny for it is, for me, another romantic notion. But it’s true; shit really happens, the type you can’t control. Well, maybe because it is just not meant to be.
And though I still hold on to his smile, to his thought, to his silly antics and text messages, I realize that as much as a wrong person truly exists a right one probably does, too. Knowing that is enough for me to move on.
Them...
A pretty interesting batch.
And I rarely say this. :) I'm a complicated person. An unpredictable trainer and to say that the batch is interesting is like Atlas bearing the world on his shoulders. Yes, I'm hard to please that way.
So why did I say that this bunch is a pretty interesting bunch. Well, for the following reasons:
- One trainee have this look that can pass for a Jonathan Davis/Brandon Boyd that projects the i-am-half-Dutch-so-im-good-looking attitute, curses his ex for taking his two kids away from him and wishes her dead, but when he starts to utter a single world, you cant help but laugh because he seriously lookes like a dope and drugged.
- Another is facinated with demons and believes that women ar a piece of organic matter that decays and rots.
- One claims that she is a nymphon in the making. (beat that!)
- One is a registered nurse who doesnt have the slightest plan to practice his profession and dreams of just becoming a bachelor for the rest of his life!
- One is a father of five from all 5 diferrent women. (talk about male machismo!)
- One blurted that work is only second to her reason of being here - first is to find a boyfriend! (wooohooo!!!)
- One is a self - conffessed pyscho who is isnt over his ex yet. (and yes, she's the ex of my ex too! good heavens!)
- One is a shemale who has been co habiting with a guy for 6 years and believes that his "man" is straight and that they're love is to eternity and beyond!
- One is a geek who sleeps his way in the class but never fails to supplement my answers to some questions.
- And a lot of them are acting their hearts out, pretending to be straight when their ghosts are screaming they're as gay as daffodil!
And I can go on and on an on and give you a litany of reasons why I find this batch interesting.
And yes, they ask a lot of questions. Sensible questions and I just wouldnt mind. All these eccentricities make me live through 6 hours of blabbers insied the training room.
Have a wonderful Wednesday, everyone! :)
From "Hello" to "Goodbye"...
"The trouble with hello is goodbye.."
The last line of the song haunted me long after the last notes faded away. With my failed romance with him in mind, I realize how true this is; how poignantly true indeed.
Suddenly, all the memories crept back unbidden. From our first hello. To our everyday hellos. To our everyday goodbyes. To our last goodbye. And, with the memories, the pain, which had never quite left me, is washed anew. The wound that I've desperately tried to heal is opened again and the memories are rubbing it like salt.
Sometimes, in my utmost misery, I find myself wishing that I would have been better off had I not known him. Knowing that nothing that's good lasts forever, knowing that with a hello there's bound to be a goodbye, I shouldn't have had exchanged hellos with him.
At the time when I realized that he has already drifted away beyond my reach, I feel like the world is closing in on me; that everywhere I look there's just bleakness and hopelessness. Coping with a broken heart seems like the hardest ordeal I have to overcome.
However, when I think of how good it has been, I can't help but be grateful that I have come to know such a very special person and that for even just a very short time, I had known how it is to be taken cared of by him.
Ironically, thinking about the perfect moments he shared with me somehow strengthens and empowers me to rise again from this miserable trench that I've plunged myself into. Remembering the way he looked at me somehow gives me the hope to fight back and reclaim what should be and really is mine. And that even his arms may now be around a raving beauty and that even if he claims that he can't imagine spending the rest of his life without her, still, reminiscing about how we both felt when we were near each other somehow revives me and my resolve to see him again and remind him of how it all was.
It is true that if you love someone, you have to set him or her free. And if he or she comes back, then it's meant to be. But before I let him go, I must first show and remind him of my love for him.
I may be wrong in that seeing him again may be like a slap in the face; perhaps there really is no love to reclaim. But until then... Until then.
The radio then played another song. "Love begins with one hello"."Starts with one hello". Perhaps one hello would bring him back.. Perhaps, this time, there'll be no goodbyes..
Perhaps.
The last line of the song haunted me long after the last notes faded away. With my failed romance with him in mind, I realize how true this is; how poignantly true indeed.
Suddenly, all the memories crept back unbidden. From our first hello. To our everyday hellos. To our everyday goodbyes. To our last goodbye. And, with the memories, the pain, which had never quite left me, is washed anew. The wound that I've desperately tried to heal is opened again and the memories are rubbing it like salt.
Sometimes, in my utmost misery, I find myself wishing that I would have been better off had I not known him. Knowing that nothing that's good lasts forever, knowing that with a hello there's bound to be a goodbye, I shouldn't have had exchanged hellos with him.
At the time when I realized that he has already drifted away beyond my reach, I feel like the world is closing in on me; that everywhere I look there's just bleakness and hopelessness. Coping with a broken heart seems like the hardest ordeal I have to overcome.
However, when I think of how good it has been, I can't help but be grateful that I have come to know such a very special person and that for even just a very short time, I had known how it is to be taken cared of by him.
Ironically, thinking about the perfect moments he shared with me somehow strengthens and empowers me to rise again from this miserable trench that I've plunged myself into. Remembering the way he looked at me somehow gives me the hope to fight back and reclaim what should be and really is mine. And that even his arms may now be around a raving beauty and that even if he claims that he can't imagine spending the rest of his life without her, still, reminiscing about how we both felt when we were near each other somehow revives me and my resolve to see him again and remind him of how it all was.
It is true that if you love someone, you have to set him or her free. And if he or she comes back, then it's meant to be. But before I let him go, I must first show and remind him of my love for him.
I may be wrong in that seeing him again may be like a slap in the face; perhaps there really is no love to reclaim. But until then... Until then.
The radio then played another song. "Love begins with one hello"."Starts with one hello". Perhaps one hello would bring him back.. Perhaps, this time, there'll be no goodbyes..
Perhaps.
Hiya!!!!
So where where you when the world turned?
Yes, I have been MIA again for over a month now. I believe it has been light years since I visited this place. I must say I miss telling stories (mostly mishaps) to my people and publishing it on my blog.This is what happens when you deliberately decide to exchange your brains for a shot to being human. Nah! This is not just about love. In fact this is beyond that. But yes, love moves in the most stupid ways some times.
So where was I?
Well, I started a class of 9 last October 23. Since the account's attrition sky rocketted, operations decided on an attrition class. It's a small bunch I would say but everyday with them was a blast. We'd spend our lunch breaks talking about the most crazy and corny stuff one can ever imagine. We'd go out and live life like we're all careless and free. Ive literally forgotten that they were still my trainees and they can just throw random questions at me which often times would leave me dumbfounded. Haha. Well, that's always been the case with my trainees. The only thing that separates me from them is the training room. When we're outside, Cebu is a hell on earth. :) But then again, Im starting a new class today and yes, I have separation anxiety. I'm surely gonna miss spending time with them - breakfast and the weekend getaways. The loud talks and rants - increasing the noise in decibels like crazy. Whew!
Somebody ripped and tore my heart into pieces just last week. I wanted to post the details of what has transpired but I figured, it's something I would deprive my readers for now. I have decided to detach and not talking about it is part of the process. (May be in time, I'd talk about it but for now, my lips are sealed.) To quote Morrie Schwartz, "Detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. on the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are fully able to leave it." So there. I'm enjoying the pain for I know I'll eventually have the pleasure of talking about it. Don't worry. I'm still the old klutzy me but this time better and wiser. I'll try to update you more and wouldn't go as far as abandoning this space for a month. (Let's keep our fingers crossed.) In the meantime, here are snippets of what I have been doing while I was away:
Yes, I have been MIA again for over a month now. I believe it has been light years since I visited this place. I must say I miss telling stories (mostly mishaps) to my people and publishing it on my blog.This is what happens when you deliberately decide to exchange your brains for a shot to being human. Nah! This is not just about love. In fact this is beyond that. But yes, love moves in the most stupid ways some times.
So where was I?
Well, I started a class of 9 last October 23. Since the account's attrition sky rocketted, operations decided on an attrition class. It's a small bunch I would say but everyday with them was a blast. We'd spend our lunch breaks talking about the most crazy and corny stuff one can ever imagine. We'd go out and live life like we're all careless and free. Ive literally forgotten that they were still my trainees and they can just throw random questions at me which often times would leave me dumbfounded. Haha. Well, that's always been the case with my trainees. The only thing that separates me from them is the training room. When we're outside, Cebu is a hell on earth. :) But then again, Im starting a new class today and yes, I have separation anxiety. I'm surely gonna miss spending time with them - breakfast and the weekend getaways. The loud talks and rants - increasing the noise in decibels like crazy. Whew!
Somebody ripped and tore my heart into pieces just last week. I wanted to post the details of what has transpired but I figured, it's something I would deprive my readers for now. I have decided to detach and not talking about it is part of the process. (May be in time, I'd talk about it but for now, my lips are sealed.) To quote Morrie Schwartz, "Detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. on the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are fully able to leave it." So there. I'm enjoying the pain for I know I'll eventually have the pleasure of talking about it. Don't worry. I'm still the old klutzy me but this time better and wiser. I'll try to update you more and wouldn't go as far as abandoning this space for a month. (Let's keep our fingers crossed.) In the meantime, here are snippets of what I have been doing while I was away:
went to the beach with the gang..
ate carcinogens, a plenty...
sang at videoke like there was no tomorrow..So there. Finally, a new post. See yah again.
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