pains...

Here they go again. The pains. So much sadness. No space for happiness.

When I was a kid, I never experienced how it is play with other kids getting dirt all over me and still smile in glee. I never experienced how it is to spend the whole day just laughing sheepishly at anything. My childhood was confined inside the four corners our house reading books not appropriate for my age, burning my eyebrows for exams, and trying to be a straight A student. Failure to be on top is tantamount to my mom's lashing whips and verbal daggers. Just think of all sorts of hurtful words that a kid could be called and think that I’ve been labeled that. Conjure up all kinds of humiliation and embarrassment that could befall a kid and imagine that they all happened to me. Perhaps some would say I’m exaggerating, but that’s how it felt like. The pleas and tears never moved my mom. I had cuts, contusions and lacerations. With all the strength that my 6-year old heart could muster, I tried to swallow all the insults that were thrown at me, act as if everything’s okay, and keep my grief to myself. But still they were wounds that never healed.

But to some extent, that proved more devastating to my character. I got so used to suppressing pain that even though the trauma brought about by those fateful years remains with me ‘til now, I still couldn’t bring myself to talk about all that happened to anyone. Despite the knowledge that talking about stuff that hurt you could be therapeutic, I still could not openly discuss it to people who aren't close to me. And there is perhaps nothing worse than feeling so low, yet scared that no one will ever understand.

You know how pathetic I used to feel? There were moments when I looked at myself in the mirror and cried because I did not like what I saw. At a very young age, I learned to asked if I was indeed the daughter of God, if i was indeed my mom's child or why was I ever born anyway? Even when I have achieved so much, there were instances when I felt like I was not entitled to certain things because my competence didn’t measure up. I denied myself of opportunities because there were times when the fear of rejection was just too much. I tried to tell myself it’s over and that, being also disturbed of her marriage with my father, my mom then probably weren’t aware of the possible repercussions of her actions. But I must admit that it was very difficult to get over the trauma. I know this is no excuse, but if you’ve had your mom pointing out all your faults and pounding on your head that you are incompetent every single day of your childhood… well, you just can’t help but believe her. Indeed, all the events that took place during those years were the major source of my biggest insecurities.

I let myself wallow in misery and self-pity for quite a great deal of time. Every disappointment and every failure that came my way were attributed to the events that happened in during those years with my mom because they caused the discomfort that I felt about myself. On the outside I looked smug and confident, but inside I was shaky, and scared, and bitter.

However, one can only take so much self-flagellation. It came to a point that I got so saturated with my own loneliness that I had to finally set my foot down and tell myself that enough is enough. My mom left the country and I was left to stage my life in the matter I wanted it to be. Determined to get all my thoughts back in perspective, I made room for major, and daily, introspection. Day after day, I made progress as I continuously recounted all the blessings that were bestowed upon me. I then reached the conclusion that all the things I lack really do pale in comparison to all that I already have. I was suddenly aware of all my strengths, my capabilities, and the abundant possibilities that lay before me. With that newfound mindset, I was certain then that it will take more than just sneers and ridicule to get me down or make me think badly about myself again.

I must admit that there are still days when negative thoughts threaten to overwhelm me. Like an hour ago, I cried infront of MJ, feeling incompetent and all because I was served an FA for reasons that are deemed unacceptable to me. Nonetheless, after thinking it over, I am also consoled by my belief that what happened was as much a test of trust as it was of strength. Despite being badly burned, I should never lose faith in the natural goodness of life and my ability to make things better for myself. I shold constantly endeavor to improve and never let my spirit stagnate or stunt in growth. Surges of excitement course through me whenever I think that there are still many roles to play, heights to reach, lives to touch… and I cannot afford to waste any more time.

Until now, I am still terrified by the prospect of meeting failures. Still, I am also thinking that it serves as both a challenge and an opportunity for me to prove to people this adage: there is more to me than meets the eye. And every time someone says, "you'll be fine." "you'll heal soon!" or "things will be better for you!", more is chipped off of the emotional baggage that weighed me down for years. Things like that further reinforce my conviction that, despite my frailties and imperfections, I am still pretty content with what I was born with. A little more time and I will be completely healed of all the wounds that that particular adversity had left behind.

I can hardly wait.

By the simple things that occured to me lately, I somehow realized that it is always very easy to sulk and blame natural circumstances or other people for our troubles. But unless you want to live in bitterness and anger for the rest of your life, that’s not the way to go. Remember that although it’s true that other people have the power to hurt us, we likewise have the power to let ourselves heal and move on. We may not have control over our surroundings or what other people will think or say about us, but we do have control over our own thoughts and actions. We are never really totally hopeless. And that, for me, is the most important thing.

Everytime I look back to those difficult times, I think about how much I’ve grown over the past years. Now I realize that growing up does not really mean being numb or free of all pain. In fact, growing up entails more hurt, greater pain, and bigger sufferings. But it also means seeing the lessons that come with every tragedy and being able to get your self back together after being broken. And the moment one realizes all this is perhaps the biggest turning point in the process of growing up.

Like what I've been telling MJ lately, "I think it's time to do a paradigm shift!"

"Life, the ruthless, relentless teacher, expects us to learn by half-killing us.” - Anonymous