Decisions and Spirituality

I was raised a Mormon. At least for a good 13 years and was religiously following the ordinances and standards until I started exercising my free agency so much, that due to unforseen familial events, my decisions got influenced and my faith wavered drastically.

I read too much books about dogmas and traditions. Of beliefs and what not. I became too critical with what was happening around me. I turned skeptical about my religion itself. I would then have endless debates and arguments with people from my church. I would pose as an investigator when I see elders on the streets and would challenge their knowledge of the gospel. I was a total freak and often times, I would leave them dumbfounded coz I always had great rebuttals with me. And still from time to time, friends from the church would ask me when am I finally going back. I tried to explain my stand but they just won't buy it. They’ll never understand shallow and stupid reasoning anyway. I was trying to justify of my impeccable search for the truth. I am not contented with a product of the dark ages, I used to rant.

I was stuck in crooked principles for quite sometime but the thought of going back to church was never efaced from my memory. Though buried deep in my pointless reasons, there were times when I did attempt to wake up early on a Sunday morning and get ready for church which was just a stone's throw away but lowering my pride was such a hard thing to do. Every time I tried to, I always remember how angry I am. Funny ‘coz I really don’t know where this anger came from or when it started. I just know that I’m angry because I feel like I’m not trusted in running my life and deciding on which directions I must take. I feel like the standards I was following were robbing me of my growth and still treats me like a kid. Damn! I’m 26 yrs. old for crying out loud. But then, I can never really blame my self for being too stone - hearted. I’ve always been a rebel. A cold - blooded bitch. And rebels and bitches always defy the government, running from the law, being hunted down and punished.

But one day, I finally rid myself of this immature way, so to speak, of thinking. This war againts a deviant belief aint helping nobody - not even myself. As I may put it, I'm not like a freak getting lose from it's leash. My life is definitely going to the trash and I must do something. And so for the first time in years last Sunday, I went back, which I knew from the very start was the right thing to do. For the life of me, I've been ignoring one fact: The Church is true and that salvation comes to those who keep their "eyes single to the glory of God!'"

Looking at the church members, hearing their testimonies, and talking to the Bishop is one decision that I'll forever be grateful for. For first time, I felt like I made the only right choice in the world. And, yes, it was the most wonderful feeling!

No, my going back to church is not about this. Definitely not! Because I may be in the process of a major or total spiritual "overhaul", I will still be the same Anne who refuses to be influenced by anything when making decisions. :)

I just knew, it was time to go back to His fold.*wink*