Mighty Proud!!!

My ex used to call me his "one million doors". Weird! he justified such name because according to him, I'm like this house with one million doors. What's in the first door, differ from what's in the other door. Okay, exes can sometime be silly. But yeah, I am a walking contradiction. Sometimes, male close friends would say I am a man trapped in a woman's body. I have out of this world hobbies for a woman. One of which, includes Tamiya. Yes, those ships you see, I fancied building them. Now my bestfriend whose been really supportive of my eccentric ways, sent me a BLUENOSE KIT from Model Shipways, straight from the US and was I ecstatic!

But since I've been busy for the past months, it actually took me four efffing months to finish it. But yesterday, it made it's debut. Woooohoooo. Finally! Ladies and gentlemen, the proud momma flaunts ATLAS (I am fond of giving names to my things)!

Decisions and Spirituality

I was raised a Mormon. At least for a good 13 years and was religiously following the ordinances and standards until I started exercising my free agency so much, that due to unforseen familial events, my decisions got influenced and my faith wavered drastically.

I read too much books about dogmas and traditions. Of beliefs and what not. I became too critical with what was happening around me. I turned skeptical about my religion itself. I would then have endless debates and arguments with people from my church. I would pose as an investigator when I see elders on the streets and would challenge their knowledge of the gospel. I was a total freak and often times, I would leave them dumbfounded coz I always had great rebuttals with me. And still from time to time, friends from the church would ask me when am I finally going back. I tried to explain my stand but they just won't buy it. They’ll never understand shallow and stupid reasoning anyway. I was trying to justify of my impeccable search for the truth. I am not contented with a product of the dark ages, I used to rant.

I was stuck in crooked principles for quite sometime but the thought of going back to church was never efaced from my memory. Though buried deep in my pointless reasons, there were times when I did attempt to wake up early on a Sunday morning and get ready for church which was just a stone's throw away but lowering my pride was such a hard thing to do. Every time I tried to, I always remember how angry I am. Funny ‘coz I really don’t know where this anger came from or when it started. I just know that I’m angry because I feel like I’m not trusted in running my life and deciding on which directions I must take. I feel like the standards I was following were robbing me of my growth and still treats me like a kid. Damn! I’m 26 yrs. old for crying out loud. But then, I can never really blame my self for being too stone - hearted. I’ve always been a rebel. A cold - blooded bitch. And rebels and bitches always defy the government, running from the law, being hunted down and punished.

But one day, I finally rid myself of this immature way, so to speak, of thinking. This war againts a deviant belief aint helping nobody - not even myself. As I may put it, I'm not like a freak getting lose from it's leash. My life is definitely going to the trash and I must do something. And so for the first time in years last Sunday, I went back, which I knew from the very start was the right thing to do. For the life of me, I've been ignoring one fact: The Church is true and that salvation comes to those who keep their "eyes single to the glory of God!'"

Looking at the church members, hearing their testimonies, and talking to the Bishop is one decision that I'll forever be grateful for. For first time, I felt like I made the only right choice in the world. And, yes, it was the most wonderful feeling!

No, my going back to church is not about this. Definitely not! Because I may be in the process of a major or total spiritual "overhaul", I will still be the same Anne who refuses to be influenced by anything when making decisions. :)

I just knew, it was time to go back to His fold.*wink*

Random Thoughts

When we say ‘The End’. We don’t really mean it. Life doesn’t end in happily ever after, but whatever happens after is usually too uninteresting or too morbidly traumatic that it won’t look very good in print. For insights on subsequent events, please refer to ‘Mars and Venus Get a Divorce’ or ‘Chicken Soup for the Lonely, Dumped and Broken-Hearted’.

Thank you.

And so it's gonna be Christmas!

Yes it's October and and yes, it's seething everywhere....

Don't you just hate it? Christmas, that is.

First of all, it comes every year without fail. In spite of fortuitous events like typhoons, floods, economic crisis, death of a family member, Christmas will arrive uninvited. We are not given a break from it.

It is okay if it is a simple holiday like May 1's Labor Day. One can sleep the whole day and not give a thought on labor and its concerns. One is not obligated to wear black or red as a sign of protest against the government's pro-employer policies. But Christmas is different. A few months before it arrives, you already feel its foreboding presence. The radio is bombarded with the old-time favorite songs that I feel sick to my stomach everytime I hear "Silver Bells" and little Michael Jackson's rendition of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town". There are some contemporary Christmas songs but they make me vomit -- especially the overplayed "Christmas in Our Hearts" of Jose Mari Chan.

The Christmas lights annoy me. We Filipinos have this habit of being artistic without much thought on the end-result. Look at houses decorated by Christmas lights that have no color scheme and no pattern at all. Even the poor trees are not spared. The Christmas lights are coiled around tree barks that give the appearance that the trees are being choked by artificial fireflies.

But the thing I hate most about Christmas is the obligations expected from us. Christmas is the time for family reunions. One day of non-sensical tete a tete with relatives from nearby and from afar. One day of gift-giving and cash-giving. All my Christmas bonus gone in a day! That's Christmas for you. People always want money.

There is also the Christmas carols. Children, teenagers and even adults (with their complementary letter) have their 'sideline' in Christmas carollings. We do not invite then to our houses, they just choose our houses and sing their carols. And they expect us to give them money for their songs! Where is the spirit of Christmas there? And as if their songs are that tolerable to the ears! Even our dogs can't help but bark their annoyance!

In almost every corner of the city, one will meet a child who will beg and make you feel guilty if you did not give him/her anything, saying "Maluoy ka maam. Pasko bitaw!" And most of them are handled by cruel syndicates who get those coins from these poor children. Should one give the children or not?

What is there to be happy with Christmas? The religious connotation of Christmas have long faded. The birth of Jesus Christ is no longer the center of the celebration. What replaced Jesus? Good food, gifts, lots of money. Even the children of today think of Santa Claus and his gifts as reward for their good behavior.

I used to love Christmas when I was a child. Now I know Christmas for what it is: it is a fraud and an impostor. It killed the original Christmas. But few people realize it.

I feel crap!

How stupid can I be in believing that the universe cared? Apparently, it didn't. So much for living a fairytale for a good 5 days! They say some good things never last. Well, it's a bad case of some good things don't even start for me!

I'm no man - hater... i'm just...

“A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” - Gloria Steinem

It is, I suppose, for obvious sensible reasons that Richard Bach said, “The secret of finding someone to love is first finding someone to like." Duh. It’s that easy, huh? All I have to do is hook up with a likeable human of the opposite reproductive system and life will be an odds-on chance. Wow. How totally convenient.

So I had an interesting chat with my gay bestfriend last night who is based in the States. He peppered me with stories about his new found love and I was the uber happy friend not until he reminded me that I was loveless and that I will surely be envious when Valentine's Day arrives. Darn! So much for being friends with this bitch. (I still love you S, I swear but I just have to rant about Valentine's Day et. al thanks to you!)

Agnostic, I am not, but Cupid’s Day always rouses the misanthropist in me. Perhaps membership to the no-boyfriend for years now club has devoid me of fantasy and left me with nihilism of romance. It’s either that or I’m fixated in Freud’s phallic stage or undergoing an intimacy versus isolation psychosocial crisis. Then again, I may just be your average erstwhile romanticist turned pragmatist.

You have to admit, ever since Eros used his power of attraction to harmonize all chaos and discord with his arrows of desire, existence has never bid farewell to complexities. I bet Valentine’s Day was fabricated for the sole purpose of tormenting people to desperation. Unattached people particularly.

The rate at which people badger me about not being hitched significantly rises on red-letter days. It’s pathetic. Not to say, bordering on dementia and utter hilarity. Like it’s my culpability that no man has had enough cojones to invite a goddess like me out. I am not to blame if I’m surrounded by eunuchs, right? Right.

So maybe I’m too much of a she-god to be asked out effortlessly. My credentials do have an intimidating ring to them. Char! I have a job that feeds me well and quite a number of great friends to boost. I may not have a diploma but according to pals, I surely have an adequately stocked lump between my ears.

See? Decent people turn up hard enough as it is. How do I expect to stumble upon a guy who deserves me? Ha! There’s the dilemma! I guess my vapid love life is my fault after all. Hehehe.

By now, I presume you think I’m writing from a nut house. Let me assure you, I am not. I just have much faith in rationalization as the best defense mechanism. Secondly, I’d rather believe I am to blame for my state than admit that matters are beyond my sway. More like favoring superiority complex over inferiority.

Which, I presume, is the reason why I am not with any guy right now. After all, I have been told that men are inherently egotistical and thus despise others’ pre-eminence (especially that of women). Guess that leaves me with one option: drop the whole poised and self-assured air, act puerile and naïve, and go through my days as a numbskull. That will have all the guys running for me. How come? Guess why the average girl would rather be beautiful than intelligent. The answer? Because the average guy sees better than he can think.

Except who would want such an insubstantial guy? Why would I opt to be with someone who only feels significant because I am fragile? I would never lower my greatness just so some man can feel assured. That would mean settling for someone short of my yardstick. And the moment one settles for something lesser than one deserves, one gets even lesser. Evidently, I’m inclined towards men who will cherish my knack to be on top of things (my life mainly, among other things).

And if Cupid can’t find and target such a fellow for me, then his deityness and existence (if he does exist) is pointless. I might as well plot to eradicate his likeness and myth while I can. Such bitterness, eh? Well, if not for his darn hearts and arrows, I wouldn’t be caught dead in another Valentine’s Day! It’s such a formidable task to feel normal when everyone else is thinking of reservations, humming maudlin love songs, and looking lovey-dovey. Blech.

Still, I cannot discount the odds that this is the universe’s way of teaching me a lesson or two. For all I know, it may just be a drill on patience or probably, uhm, humility. Perhaps the reason Cupid’s arrows aren’t working for me is a blessing in disguise. I probably don’t need a man right now given that I have enough headaches as it is. Or it just isn’t the right time. Then again, maybe impeccable women like me are meant to be spinsters.

The Constitution does not mandate a 26-year-old gal to be in a romantic relationship. So, why make me feel like a low-life-mucus-eating-parasite upon hearing that I have no quixotic rendezvous on Valentine’s Day? It is asinine enough that people find my romantically challenged life worth discussing but treating me like some sort of pathological social deviant based on my relationships, or lack thereof, is sheer madness! The poor fella must either live a very sorry existence or is brain-damaged (if there’s any brain at all). Getting a life is advised.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not a sociopath and absolutely not a man-hater. On the contrary, I am fond of men and find them quite an interesting species. I have eyes on a few. Some have eyes on me. However, they are variedly attached, married, heterosexually averse, or afflicted with the Oedipal complex.

I likewise do not have the intent of living as a recluse. I believe Coupledom, even with its often-needless ballyhoo, has its perks. And I do think of love once in a while. Okaaaaay… so maybe more than once! But I do not permit myself to wallow in such thoughts. If I did, I will never be able to get things done. Too much mulling is brain-unfriendly.

As much as I do not harbor nauseatingly mawkish thoughts, I know deep within the recesses of my mind exists that former dreamer and fairytale lover. She’s still there somewhere, just waiting for a little stimulation. Hence, as virago as I may seem, I haven’t renounced love and its great possibilities (ewwww). I’m not likely to quit my job though and take off in pursuit of “The One” that romantic myth makes me believe is around the bend. However, if you’re a guy who can make my heart beat faster than a table of food game can, then lemme know you’re alive. I might have time to spare to look you up.

For the meantime, allow me to revel in the liberty and self-rule that being single offers. Just because I travel unaccompanied doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the sights. Being alone doesn’t quite equate to being lonely.

As for Cupid, I suppose he has his alibis. So what options have I but give him another deadline. Besides, it’s not my loss if I remain solo. It’s the males’ deprivation and eventually, humankind’s. Haha!

S, this is all your doing!

Lesson Learned!

If a guy says he's gonna call or text you and ends up not doing it at all or if a guy just deliberately ignores you and all attempts to strike a conversation with him had been futile, well girl, it's about time you wake up and admit the fact that:

HE'S JUST NOT INTO YOU!!!

Get over him for he's a monumental waste of time! Flip your hair and then say, "Next please!" Men after all are like tissue papers. Soooooo DISPOSABLE! :p

Just Random Thoughts

I sit in the middle of chaos and I'm quite comfortable with it. Amidst the clattering of voices and the rousing laughter, I breathe with everyone oblivious of my existence. I bask at the anonymity and my seeming non-existence. I speak to no one and no one speaks to me. I am an anti-social.

Thoughts of yesteryears ran into me like a powerpoint presentation. On weekends, I would find myself lounging in a clammy black leather seat in a dank smoke-filled room, I hold a half-empty bottle of vodka. My veins reek of alcohol. A few more senseless laughter. A few more drinks. A little crazy idea. A minute more. Gyrating at the top of the dim-lit bar with some of my friends, I am alive with every beat of the live music. The blaring tunes bleed my eardrums to silence. I am a slave to the jeers and wild clappings. For years, I am a soul half-starved for attention.

At the dinner table, my feet rests peacefully on top, I spew out vulgarities like candies on Christmas. I speak of sex and minor misdemeanors with a casual air of a learned. Open to possibilities of pre-marital intercourse. A potential single mother. Perfect epitome of a girl-gone haywire complete with scarred wrists, dark childhood secrets and little tragedies that comes with the package. I am a drifter in the immense sea of life.

On the same dinner table, I sit comfortably amidst the pile of poetry, computer mags, and notebooks. I find equal solace in reading cummings and super coolants. I am a geek. I could talk of parts of speech, weird stuff and literary materials with the same air of a girl loudly complaining of a broken nail. I get a certain inexplicable high just merely talking about grammar and poems. I am a bore, an effective sleeping pill.

I am a creative adventure junkie. I could come up with the craziest of ideas and get away with it. I’d dance naked in the rain if only I could find one who’ll do it with me. A probable speed demon when given the chance to drive. Would sleep in the middle of the field in pajamas and fluffy sleepers. I live for these moments.

I am obsessed. Obsessed with the search for me, for life, and for countless other dilemmas that most refuse to think about. I am rarely satisfied with the factors that surrounds me. Always looking for something greater and more profound explanation of things. Often questioning, probing and defying standards and norms. Frequently romanticizing simple and uncomplicated matters.

Today, it will all start to change. It's gonna be strenous and gradual. I come to a conclusion that there is more to life than just mere money, academics, and incessant partying over booze. I believe that simplicity of life and the lack of conflicts does not actually equate happiness. That joyful bliss could not be achieved without a struggle. I waste countless hours thinking whether it is necessary to feel pain, agony and betrayal to know how joyful bliss feels like. I am a thinker. Soon, I'll be a doer.

Still, I am a dreamer. I wait for the lone knight in shining armor. Of immeasurable love that could drown all the sorrows of the world. Kisses that are sacred. And like a raging lunatic, oblivious of the existence of other life forms, I will eventually succumb to that fancy feeling of falling in love. And I would ultimately learn to again believe in every word and every promise. And I would suppose that this is rather heroic and brave of me to love and believe again. I am a hopeless romantic.

I am an anti-thesis of me. All that I am is a walking contradiction of who I am. I'm a hundred different lives, a million different faces. A chameleon who changes color whenever it pleases me. An actress, perhaps, who could be anyone she wills herself to be. An anti-social, a party girl, a drifter, a bore, an adventurer, a thinker, a dreamer. And will soon be renewed!

Thanks!

I was thinking of Barnuts last night. Yes, those chocolates that cost one peso each. I live and breathe them every day to say the least. I dropped by the supermarket only to be disappointed by the fact that they ran out of stocks. How can a supermarket ran out of such manna to me? Saddened by the situation, I called M and ranted about how I was deprived of Barnuts lastnight and all he said was just "Sus, mao ra nay imong problema? Katug na kuno diha!" Okay, I'm seriously contemplating on disowning him! But much to my surprise, I woke up today with this:

It came with a note that read:

I hope this 50 pc Rose and Chocolate ensemble make you shut up today! :) Here's one sweet gesture to the sweetest woman in the world.

Love,
M

Awwwww... Hey dear readers, if you go looking for me today, please be informed that I have died and have gone to heaven today due to extreme happiness over blue roses and chocolates!

Weird!

There is no such thing as a coincidence, a purely random occurrence of two events. I believe holy moments or divine interventions are connection points in the web of life. They lend balance to what some might call the unholy moments of life’s tensions and frustrations.

The Law of Two’s or the Pairing Off has always governed us since time immemorial. There are the intertwining cycles of seasons – autumn, summer, spring and winter. There is night and day; sun and moon; cold and hot; white and black; yin and yang; fork and spoon; paper and pencil; right and left. These are all nature’s call for balance and harmony. In an ecosystem, balance is necessary to maintain equilibrium, a control and rising above turmoil and destruction.

No one is left incomplete and alone for all his life. There is always a moment of reconnection with the other half, from which you were both created. One is therefore incomplete without the other.

Stories about soul mates abound in history. Versions and interpretations were made available for people to be enlightened and be informed.

One version I greatly depend on for my personal pursuit was the story that when the Master Divine created the world, he made stars, quadrillions, quad zillions and millions more of stars. It was told that those stars would later on be transformed into humans, us. Before He threw the stars in the skies, He made sure that each of the stars’ left and right hemispheres are equally subdivided, so that two stars will be formed from each of the glowing stars. One would become a whole from the left hemisphere, the other from the right one. When the stars were divided and were separated from their main bodies, they were set forth and thrown into an intergalactic immersion of new life and new beginning. The Master Divine uttered his final words that “’Ye would have to remain individuals…and feel incomplete, until time has come unto ye and ye be joined and renew the ties that kept you all these years.”

When you try to look at the six sides of a star and fold it into two, you get the three focal divisions of human systems: the head, trunk and limb. There are people who function well with their right brain hemisphere and these were the stars, which were formed from the right side. Others do well with their left-brain hemisphere and they do best in mathematics and spatial-logical skills. Consequently these were the ancient stars, which were formed from the left side.

Okay. Do not react vehemently my dear readers. I haven't found my soulmate. I don't even believe in such! It's just that one exasperating experience earlier just made me think about the endless possibilities in this world.

In RETROSPECT
Last week was the saddest point in my life. I cried a river. As my psychologist of a friend would put it, I was experiencing mid life crisis. :) I digress. I'd say, I was just lost. I admit that for the past years, I have been living a reckless life and this isn't unknown to the few people who knows me. I have forsaken my standards for quite a number of years. You see, since I was 6, my mother started to investigate The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons). She got converted and when I turned eight, I got baptized. After 2 years, my dad who was then third grade alcoholic, gambler and a nuisance in the society, made a 360 degree turn, became a member and led a clean although not perfect life. It went on for a number of years.In fact until I was 18 to be exact. At a young age, I knew what I ought not to do. I was the epitome of a person living the standards set by a Father in Heaven. I never skipped church. I was active in all the activities, I held a calling, planned to go on a mission, followed the Law of Chastity and Word of Wisdom (I know some of the terms might all be jargon to you and I can explain them if you're interested), and kept the Sabbath Day Holy. I was indeed trying to be "perfect even as my Father who is in heaven is perfect." But things made another turn when my mom left us and a series of other unfortunate events happened. I deviated. I stared drinking, smoking, necking and petting. I was the exact opposite of myself several years back. I stopped going to church. Moved here in Cebu and lived life with reckless and careless abandon. Then it hit me last week that I want change. That I'm all too tired of the kind of life I've been living. It occurred to me that I wanted to go back to church. I just don't know when, where, and how to start.

Fast Forward
I have been working on the night shift for the past two years but because of staffing needs, I got transferred in the morning for the at least 3 weeks and it has been harrowing. I would sit on my desk for a good 9 hours without literally nothing to do except wait 'till log out time. "Petiks" mode. I would usually just surf my heart out to kill time. Hop from one blog to another or Google anything that I can think about. And then I met L. (It's not what you think so please just read on! :p)

Ours was not the conventional type of meeting – ours was the contemporary accidental one. We met when we were both unaware of any possibilities. We were both busy with our own lives. He works at a University in another island and I here in Cebu. One thing connected us though. We both write. We blog to be exact. And in one of my incessant blog-hopping, I chanced upon his blog and found it really funny I couldn't help but make a comment and left a link of my site to his. Perhaps he found my site insane enough to tickle his fancy that he managed to leave a comment too. To cut the story short, we ended up adding each other at YM , chatted and exchanged numbers. An hour and a half before my shift ended, I randomly picked up my phone and decided to call him. Twas fun talking to him for an hour. We talked about anything we can think of like we've known each other for years. We talked about our life, vices, exes, relationships, and future plans. 15 minutes before we ended the conversation, I asked him about his brother's course. He said that his bother took up Nursing before he left for his mission. The last word hit me like a bullet. I immediately asked him, "Unsay inyong religion?" He said gibberish for seconds and seemed to me that he didn't wanna answer. So I rephrased my question: "Mormon ka?" And he gave me a faint "O!" And then I went ballistic. I couldn't believe what I just heard. Stress! I was at a loss for words for a number of minutes, rummaging the corners of my brain for words to tell him when he said, "Sign na jud ni ni Lord. Pasimbahon na jud ta niya!" And that really got me thinking. Two random people, with almost the same life experience, chose to deviate from the church, and bumped into each other online just like that!

After the conversation, I was still high! It seemed to me that the forces of nature yielded us, the universe gravitated on us, and magnetized us that it was indeed time to check on our egos and start being "in the world, but not OF the world." While experience and conviction has barred me from too much believing in possibilities and divine intervention however true to reason and right, the natural Law progressed upon me and made me think about my sincere thoughts last week of going back to the church.

Weird. Really weird. Could it be that faith and hope went together to cross our paths and the Divine intervention and the power of destiny embraced the two of us so that we can go back to the fold and work on our own salvation? *sigh*

I can only ask. All I know is that right now, as I write this, I still feel weird!

Settle to the Metal!

So I'm in stuck in the morning shift with nothing to do. "Petiks" mode for 9 hours. How the hell am I gonna survive? Surf the net and blog until I become cross -eyed! Beat that! :p

Anyways, a friend and I had some random conversation over booze last night and he asked me if I was truthful when I say to people that I have a feeling I will never get married. The conversation became an argument and I almost killed him. Okay, I was exaggerating!

I'm 26, (the ideal age for marrying crap so they say) and a victim of those rude questions as to why I'm not yet married, why I don't have a decent boyfriend to speak of, what the hell's wrong with me. But why force myself? If I don't feel it in my bones that I'm supposed to be with a guy, we surely wouldn't be. I mean, we could be "okay" together, and fine, we'll be friends. But if he can't get past my crazy thoughts and tattoos or I don't dig his chain-smoking habit, there's zero chance for us to be more than pals. I'll get off at the next stop, thank you very much.

It doesn't even sound appealing, "settling down." It's not like you find the chair you are most comfortable with and then sit on it like a Lazy Boy. Is that what a relationship is? There might be some who'd say, why yes, that's exactly what a good relationship is. But I trust it's more than that. I need no Lazy Boy -- I want a rocking chair. Comfort is good, but I need Passion. I need Fire that will be stoked with an equal Fire of my own. Carrie Bradshaw couldn't have said it plainer to the Russian: I want a ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other Love. A tall order but hey, it's worth the wait.

It's not that I don't go out and meet guys. I do. I understand that I have to do my part of being -- what do you call it? -- "out there". Geeez, I've been out there for as long as I can remember. I enjoy and have fun hanging out with them. And I must admit that there are a couple of "prospective" blokes around, a few even quite perfect to be with, you know? Just not the one for me.

So what do I look for in a man, I've been asked countless times. None of your freakin' business, I've replied. But once and for all, here goes.. it's pretty simple, actually: I want someone who'll make my heart bounce. For the rest of my life. Wahahahahaha!

No "honeymoon period" for us. I want a relationship with a honeymoon all throughout, right until our dying day. Is that too much to ask? Perhaps. But I'm stubborn as stubborn does. I just know that there's a guy who's capable to perpetually woo me even after we've had 3 children, 6 grandchildren, and 12 great grandchildren. (as if I wanaa have kids!) And he need not worry for I shall as well accordingly respond to his courtship.

I never forgot what I read in one of my personal bibles (The Bridge Across Forever, Richard Bach, Dell Books). It went something, like, we must not settle for a lukewarm lover and mild happiness. For deep down we know that lukewarm will turn cold, and mild happiness will become a nameless sadness.

I certainly will try my darn best not to fall into such death trap. I agree that it's nice to have someone to share things with and all that. But if it were merely for the sake of having a boyfriend, let alone a husband -- I wouldn't be only fooling myself, but also be leading the poor guy on. Being selfish is purely human, but I'll take my chances. Besides, I'd rather be single and endure the tactless comments of relatives and old schoolmates, than be with someone who doesn't have the gift to good-naturedly suffer my querks.

And what would make my heart bounce? Aarr. Let that be the deliciously incandescent quality of the man. Really, if I have to give out instructions.. man, I'd rather kill myself.

So I sound a tad jaded. Big deal. Even my own best friends accuse me of being a.. commitment-phobe. Now, waitjustaneffingminute! What am I, a man? Heaven forbid. Please. I don't chicken out of engagements. I don't dangle my mate like a puppet. I don't string along.. oh alright. I don't mean to offend the opposite gender, considering my would-be significant other is part of the male specie. Come to think of it, I think these commitment-phobic people only seem that way because they simply haven't met their match, you know? And when they do, they'd just know it. Just the way I would, too. I don't jump into pseudo-relationships because of the sole but crystal clear reason that I'm holding out for The One. Yes, The One Who Will Make My Heart Bounce. Is that so hard to understand?

The ever cynical Janeane Garofalo reckons that there might be one person in the world for you, but you don't get to meet them. But there are some people who are good at making the person they're with the one. Not bad. But, who really knows, eh? I follow my own heart. Period. When it's time, it's time.

Listen, I am not made of stone, even if others around me think otherwise. I may be heartless most of the time but I'm not all rock. I know that there is that one man who can take my many-times-broken heart and magically, effortlessly make it as whole and as bouncy as it could ever be. I confess that it's taking ages for me to find him (and him to find me) but it will all be worth it. I just don't want to end up with a prick, that's all.

And to everyone reading this, if you can find me a man who is smarter than me and earns more than I do (im not amassing millions with the job I have so dont flinch), give me his number and I'll lay my life for you! :p

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I know. These rants have been delirious!

Random Wordplays

Often, we feel alienated and isolated because we live only for our selves!

Virgin! So?

"Miss, are you still a virgin?"

Okay! I almost choked. I was infront of 28 people ranting about life and it's complexities (blame it on the inaccessible shared drive the assigned modules for today were left unturned) when out of nowhere, one of my trainees just asked that question. (You see, left with nothing to do but wait, I told the class they can ask me ANYthing they can think of without even considering that queries like that might just be blurted out!) So there, I was flabbergasted!

"Yes!" I chimed with so much conviction. I didnt expect that my answer can trigger the rowdy class into a 10 - second silence.

Then they all chorused, "Seriously?" Everyone looked genuinely appalled!

I told the class of my stand on the whole thing and most of them cringed. But hey, dear readers, don't get me wrong. I'm not a Saint nor am I Maria Clara. I also had my fair share of kissing (torrid, smack and what have you), necking, petting and all that jazz. I may not be sexually and pornographically hyperactive but I'm also not innocent. It's just that when it comes to the real penetration, I believe I should be given more than a round of applause and a standing oviation because really - I'm frigid! I mean I practice hardcore self - restraint. Why? I know this will make you laugh your hearts out but there are only two reasons. First, I'm so scared of getting hurt. I mean the physical pain when the hymen becomes busted. I have a low threshold for pain plus seeing blood (all the gory stories about one's first time) come out of my queen "V" due to incessant thrusting might cause me a coronary. Second, I dont wanna get pregnant. Simple. I fear so much of having a bun in the oven that I dont trust all the contraceptives in the world. Yes, I am insane! (thunderous laughter please!)

So what is it then with remaining a virgin for 26 years that surprises people? Perhaps they are amazed with the idea that a cynic like me who loves to bitch around is sooo freakin scared of the schlong. Or perhaps, the norms and morals of society has definitely morphed that people these days have perceived all mankind to be horny. Perhaps... Perhaps... Perhaps... And I can go on and on and on. Hehe!

Based on observation, when a girl talks about her disinclination to premarital sex, it causes a subtle hormonal reaction within the male brain that prohibits him to call, flirt, or start a relationship with the initiating persona. Trust me, Ive been there and it's sooo frustrating to come face to face with the reality that most men are highly libidinous they would want to jump into bed with you on the first date.Urgh! But then again, I'm smarter than they think. Haha. They can raise their eyebrows and dump me because of that, I dont care. You see, one thing is certain to me: My worth as a woman is far more than a piece of tissue in between my labia!

Gone MIA...

I know I have been missing for the longest time. I was out in cyber space after I successfully freed myself from a perpetual web of lies and deceit. *wink*

Everything is still like a puddle of mud but hey, life would have been a monotony without those bites.

My apologies for taking you all forgranted. If you must know, I've also been restless and incoherent knowing that such absence might cause anger and dislike! (what the hell am I saying?)

Rest assured I shall update you with what has happeend to the my own Neverland from this day forward. I guess life indeed has a thousand and one reasons to be alive!

My Piece of Shit!

I applaud you all for concocting just sordid thoughts and details about stuff. I can sense that you all indeed have an amusing way of coming up with very intelligible responses. In fact, most of you have inked such powerful words. Moreover, you have crystallized them perfectly.

I respect everyone’s decision and take on things. Hell, I don’t own you and vice-versa. Truth be told, I am happy that this happened. At least now I know what I’m up against. I aint got any regrets. They’re just monumental waste of ma fuckin time.

Regarding that blog incident which I allegedly maintained two other facebook accounts where I wrote and lambasted myself and some people I deemed “family”, you have no idea how THANKFUL I am for you to throw that myth and accused me of such idiocy! I didn’t know that there are perfect people in this god forsaken world.

I should give you all medals for being able to stir my world, waste some tears and eventually ruined the craft that I have perfected – appearing unperturbed. Somebody give some people a trophy!!!! Yada-yada-yada!

If you all must know, I have exhausted all my efforts to change not because I felt that I was already becoming an extreme bitch but because my relationships with some people and their dealings with others have become so affected that I felt it was time to change paradigms. Have forgotten how much I tried to change the way I handle my temper and frustration all for the sake of world peace? Isn’t it a wonder how easily people forget? Thank you, all! Thanks for reminding me.

Obviously, we are still stuck in the dumb days. Let’s cut each other some slack and move on. This is not what I want. And to be brutally honest, —-deleted——. And —deleted—- is a luxury I can’t afford.

I’m sorry for freaking out. I can not control my stream of consciousness which is manifested through my writing. I write what I feel, you know? And besides, it has been ages since the last time I opened my mouth. For the months that have been, I opted to shut up and enjoyed the nonchalance of being scrutinized by people but sometimes, when the void has been filled and the threshold has been met, you just want to explode.

I often use explicit and obscene words and I apologized to the scarred many which have been affected by my writing. You know me. In person, I am anything but cruel and atrocious. I am no saint, that’s for sure.

Don’t confuse me with my writing. The writer in me does not define my persona. These are just my thoughts. Again, some of you know me. We’ve spent time together and I hope that in that brief period of time, you have gotten to know the real me.

Psycho
Attention – seeker
Pain in the corporate world’s ass

Pretty harsh words coming from people.
But hey, ask yourselves again. Am I pointing this to the right person?
Think twice before you start dropping bombs! That is if you even have the capacity to think!

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I will not retract nor modify this. I will stay true to my feelings. I may feel emotionally sober now but sometimes it pays to be honest. I find it cathartic.

I despised people who hide in anonymity when they got shit to say and end up using others as scapegoats! I am a pretty transparent person and I show my vulnerability more often than not. At times, people take advantage of this. I have been hurt a lotta times. I have cried a river. But I don’t want that shit right now. I have better things to do. I don’t know. Shit happens and life is full of it.