Leave

...If I could leave this world

I want to leave this world

At least just for awahile...

One of the best decisions I made this 2008 is when I chose to buy a laptop. I can give you a litany of reasons why I am so happy with me getting it but for now, what's number one on my list is the fact that for as long as it's with me, I can sit down and write my thoughts anytime and anywhere. I'm not really a fabulous writer but I know I can write. And usually, my streams of consciousness is often found in the pieces of thoughts I put together in my blogs. Seriously, I find it convenient to just open my laptop, click NOTEPAD and type my emotions away. Darn, it feels so good getting one! :)

Having spent the whole holiday season sleeping or strutting the malls, I decided to change course. I decided to go on an adventure. I grabbed my laptop, enough money and headed to the nearest convenient store to buy somethin to eat on my way. It's almost 6pm and I've decided to go to TOPS. It's one place you can find serenity and clear your thoughts... What a perfect place to write!

So here I am looking at the scenic view right infront of my eyes. The lights are flickering. It's windy and cold up here. The sky is already dark and there are no stars tonight. Even from up here, I can still see the cars passing by below. I stood in the railing feeling the cold wind, looking back at the many nights I spent here thinking of what my life has been. I leaned over and closed my eyes. I then started thinking of how fragile the human body really is and one jump from where I am now, one fall to the hard ground, one break of the neck and skull, that's all it would take to kill me. It would only take about a minute to end everything. One minute and I could forget everything. I wouldn't feel pain anymore. I could rest. (evil grin)
I wonder if I would feel anything when I hit the ground. I wonder if my death will be slow or sudden. Will I be aware that I'm dead? What would I feel? Where would I go? Will I wake up into a new world? Or will I just sleep forever? I wish I would just sleep forever.

I opened my eyes and looked up in the sky. I wonder if my family will miss me? Will they cry in my funeral? Will they be angry with me? Will my parents blame themselves for my death? I laugh because I know that they would only be embarrassed. They would only blame me for shaming them again.

I turned around and looked, looking for something to hold on to. I searchd for something to stop me from doing what I have been contemplating for the past months. But I really don't know what I'm looking for. I really don't know what will make me stay.

I turned back to the railing. I feel the wind and the cold. I lean over feeling the darkness already engulf me. As I lean over, I wonder again how fragile the human body is. I think how easy it is to end everything.

Will I feel anything when I hit the ground?

P.S

I know this is crazy and I realized it's not healthy to be alone in such a conducive place! :) Off to the city again! :)