wut the heck!

It's all over the news and I can't help but react to this incident. Politicians nowadays have become waywardly appalling and I can't just believe the fact that power can turn you into a monster - a vicious diablo!

What right has someone to just maul and hurt people paying for almost everything that he and his family has? Has Nasser Pangandaman and his son forgotten the fact that because of Delfin dela Paz' and the rest of the people's taxes, he is living a comfortable life? Overwhelmed with power and authority,ei? Well here are two words for you:

FUCK YOU!!!

This just proves how rotten the world really is; how cowardice brings out the most evil side of humans; how greed to obtain power only to trample upon the weak comes out in situations like this. To put it bluntly, it's abuse of power. These people do not have the right to have a position in the government--these people don't deserve to be called "servant leaders".

In this country where the "power of the government no longer emanates from the people," I still hope justice will be served.

this one's for _ _ _ _!

The more I know about your darkness, your weaknesses, your not so saintly thoughts, who you are when no one is looking or listening or reading, the more I'm drawn. The more I am endeared to you. It's me. I have an affinity for the broken. The things that are not yet whole, once were or merely pieced together to have the semblance of normalcy. Because I belong to that lot. Sometimes, I'm glued in so perfectly that none would be the wiser. But I know better. I know.

I know of perfection. And it doesnt apply to me. Because no matter how I scrub the insides,lint sticks in unreachable corners. Some have marched on to the higher levels and I'm happy for them. They deserve to be happy yet have chosen to stay with me 'til I turn out. They could have moved on but here they remain.

And I'm choosing to stay for you.

Let's grow together!

shit happens, ayt?

I think sometimes when we get so focused on the things that go on around us, we forget about the others. The others being, 1) things could be much worse, 2) change will inevitably happen, and 3) there are other much important things than our work, or those people who cannot accept where we are right now.

After going through all the pain and tough shit, I've realized that it's useless to fight back, but it's useless to give up as well, there's no point in arguing, or trying to prove to people that you've done nothing wrong, or thinking and worrying about what will the outcome be next. At the end of the day, all we can do is just make do with what we have. Enjoy the moment, despite it being crap, the moment will pass, and when it does, as long as you've got nothing to hide, you'll have your moment of 'I told you so'. You get to go through everything only once, don't let other people ruin it for you. aftr all, shit happens to everyone, ayt?

Leave

...If I could leave this world

I want to leave this world

At least just for awahile...

One of the best decisions I made this 2008 is when I chose to buy a laptop. I can give you a litany of reasons why I am so happy with me getting it but for now, what's number one on my list is the fact that for as long as it's with me, I can sit down and write my thoughts anytime and anywhere. I'm not really a fabulous writer but I know I can write. And usually, my streams of consciousness is often found in the pieces of thoughts I put together in my blogs. Seriously, I find it convenient to just open my laptop, click NOTEPAD and type my emotions away. Darn, it feels so good getting one! :)

Having spent the whole holiday season sleeping or strutting the malls, I decided to change course. I decided to go on an adventure. I grabbed my laptop, enough money and headed to the nearest convenient store to buy somethin to eat on my way. It's almost 6pm and I've decided to go to TOPS. It's one place you can find serenity and clear your thoughts... What a perfect place to write!

So here I am looking at the scenic view right infront of my eyes. The lights are flickering. It's windy and cold up here. The sky is already dark and there are no stars tonight. Even from up here, I can still see the cars passing by below. I stood in the railing feeling the cold wind, looking back at the many nights I spent here thinking of what my life has been. I leaned over and closed my eyes. I then started thinking of how fragile the human body really is and one jump from where I am now, one fall to the hard ground, one break of the neck and skull, that's all it would take to kill me. It would only take about a minute to end everything. One minute and I could forget everything. I wouldn't feel pain anymore. I could rest. (evil grin)
I wonder if I would feel anything when I hit the ground. I wonder if my death will be slow or sudden. Will I be aware that I'm dead? What would I feel? Where would I go? Will I wake up into a new world? Or will I just sleep forever? I wish I would just sleep forever.

I opened my eyes and looked up in the sky. I wonder if my family will miss me? Will they cry in my funeral? Will they be angry with me? Will my parents blame themselves for my death? I laugh because I know that they would only be embarrassed. They would only blame me for shaming them again.

I turned around and looked, looking for something to hold on to. I searchd for something to stop me from doing what I have been contemplating for the past months. But I really don't know what I'm looking for. I really don't know what will make me stay.

I turned back to the railing. I feel the wind and the cold. I lean over feeling the darkness already engulf me. As I lean over, I wonder again how fragile the human body is. I think how easy it is to end everything.

Will I feel anything when I hit the ground?

P.S

I know this is crazy and I realized it's not healthy to be alone in such a conducive place! :) Off to the city again! :)

Merry Christmas!!!

Went home quarter past seven in the morning. Was pretty tired with the whole year – end meeting session with the trainers in Manila. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t as tiring as it was supposed to because all we did was talked and laugh and stuff like that. What made it so stressful was the fact that our new members made it so difficult for us (well at least that’s how I felt). They don’t tell you straight that they were just forced to join the team but how they acted, how they answered questions and how they carried themselves the whole time during the meeting gave substantial proof that they were not comfortable. It appeared to me that we have deliberately uprooted them from their comfort zones. Well, life’s like that. We deal with changes. And although I don’t really believe that the only permanent thing in this world is change because there’s death and taxes, but believe me, the training team is their best option. It may take time for them to discover the gold hidden among the ores but believe me, ‘tis worth the time. *sigh*

I was supposed to go to sleep immediately however I decided to go with Sherl and Bang to do their last minute Christmas shopping. We went past the busy street of Osmena Blvd to check on the Sinulog shops and perhaps grab some things to buy for ourselves and others. After the walk, we ate at a “ponkers” somewhere in Sanciangko and man; I almost vomited due to over eating. After the scrumptious meal, we went to Plaza fair and checked on the variety of knick – knacks found in the shops. We dropped by this candle shop that had a very irate Chinese owner who lambasted her employees with rants and verbal daggers. I got so pissed with how she treated her employees that if it were not for Sherl and Bang’s strong grip on my hands, I would have bought the fight and slapped that abnormal – looking owner right on her face. The nerve of her to treat them with so much disrespect and humiliation! Maka stress ha!Last stop was at a nearby ukay – ukay. Unfortunately, I didn’t find anything worth my time so we parted ways since Bang’s gonna be working by 8pm. I went to Metro and bought something to eat for the night. The Christmas rush was killing me. The grocery was puking with people and I hated the fact that I had say Php300 worth of groceries in my grocery basket while the rest of the people were like buying loads for Noche Buena. The Good thing though is this time, I didn’t cry. Maybe I got saturated that I’ve learned to compartmentalize things. I went out of the grocer past 3pm. I placed the grocery bag on top of my table and hit the sack. I woke up 1am. Yeah, I slept my heart out and didn’t bother celebrating Christmas with the rest of the world. :)

Was it a Merry Christmas? Duh!

My ears have been bombarded by this song from East17 called "Each Time". Boredom was my new friend and so all I could do was listen to music and reminisce. No sleep for this fair maiden. Every moving color, every intricate detail seemed to move me with renewed beauty. "I'm alive again," I secretly uttered. Content was in the air. And so, I flew. And I remember asking my dear readers, "why do we cry"? During my time of distraught, I asked the fleeting question. Waking moments during ungodly hours of the night, full of reveries -- fear, melancholy and then misery. I thought of forgetting. I thought of digging up a hole and burying the desparity that left this soul scarred and calloused like a wearry wench. But despair is never without glee when there is acceptance. And so I taught myself to accept. Numbness at first but everything started to fall into place after much hardship.

At the moment, let me re-iterate the question. What makes us smile? When we smile, do we not fear that it will only last for a few milliseconds before it disappears into oblivion, forgotten, and never mentioned again? Do we smile because it's for free, knowing that everything in this world costs something? I'm such a fool. I'm such a fool. In this little world, there will always be rich and poor. Rich in gifts. Poor in gifts. Rich in love. Poor in love. Always something to envy our neighbors about. Always something there to appropriate. And it's never enough. Sigh! Maybe this is not for me. Maybe love is not for me. I'm too afraid. I know that I should not torment myself with such cruel contemplations. But this is me. This is human. * Hah! I started thinking again!

for lai's beloved...

I refuse to wait for you any longer. There was a time in my life when I would have saved myself for you alone. In my heart no one else would do. I belonged to no one else but you. That isn’t me anymore. My heart finally caught up with my brain and I finally saw that all of it was just nothing but fantasies. Dreams that only I wanted. There was no hope left for us. As each day passed, it became clearer to me that it was never meant to be. We were never meant to be.

I refuse to live in the past. What we shared lives in the past, it doesn’t control me any longer. Don’t get me wrong, I will forever treasure it but I won’t let it hold me back. I won’t let it ruin who I was and who I am now. For a time, I almost forgot who I was without you. I’ll never let that happen again. I won’t ever lose myself again.

I refuse to fight anymore. For several months now, I’ve been fighting. I’ve been fighting for our friendship and for us. However, no matter what I do, I seem to be losing. Whenever I feel as if I’m going to buckle down because of the pressure, the thought that somehow maybe you are fighting for us too kept me going. But months have passed, I haven’t heard from you. Somehow I finally realized that I was the only one fighting for us. I was doing everything I could possibly can for someone who was and never will be mine.

I refuse to believe that you didn’t love me. Somehow, someway, I know that I have a place in your heart. You may not have been able to love me the way I wanted you to love me but I know that even for just a second, you really did love me.

I refuse to lose hope. It may not be you. It may take me forever to find him, but I will. Tears have been streaming down my cheeks for too long but not anymore. I have learned so many things from all this. Things that I felt should have been taught to me some other less painful way but somehow I don’t regret it. It made me stronger. It made me look inside myself and really see who I really am and not who I thought I was. Hope kept me going. The hope for better things to come, the same hope that one day I will finally be over you.

Vincent Van Gogh

As I look at Vincent van Gogh's painting "Starry Night" printed in cheap paper on my wall, I could feel the surge of imagination running through his veins as his mind controls every stroke of the brush. Just a tiny village at peace while overhead rages the cries of the heavens. This painting makes me feel as such mass of serenity, tranquility and love around me in a feverish haze on partially reflected in reality while I remain grounded and secure in my own isolation. I kept a printed copy of this magnificent depiction inmy room hoping to keep the printed motionless life on my walls but as my unfortunate days overwhelms my every existence in this unfair little world, i found myself tearing the printed picture off my walls one day and saw myself laying turbid but not peaceful along with it. I tried moving on with my life with having not to think nor hope for a more peaceful world or something like it, but unfortunate mishaps and non - intentional outbreaks have come to be my refuge, i myself have become one of them, them - working - souless people walking like zombies on the streets without hopes fora better world but their own, so busy with their own tribulations similar as mine, but how can I tell ifwhat I had known to believe in is not a floating zombie itself? I don't know, and I dont think I wanna know.Without having to think of something beyond my redundant existence makes my life miserable and my whole soul empty. Life is so simple, so are people. But human emotions that goes along with it is complex.I am complex. But I have learned to love me and Ihave learned how to deal. There is really no point in fighting it nor does it hurt to hope for it, the painting is not empty and so are we. And now my seemingly destoyed painting printed in cheap paper is up on my walls again, reminding me everyday that there is a place similar to that little village inside me and a little part of that evening of mass tranquility above me.

bored and listless

I went home around 7:30am earlier. Our meeting didnt push through so I decided to hit the sack after almost a week of not getting enough sleep. I slept for and hour but was relentlessly awaken by the numerous text messages that I received from people. And I remembered my appointment with Elmer at 4:30. So I decided to just change my clothes and go early to ayala. I figured, I have a new laptop so why not while away time and surf and blog. :) So here I am staring at my monitor and pouring all my thoughts. Bored? That would be an understatement.. If I have plans of letting Mr. Sandman in? That I dont know yet. Perhaps when I can no longer think of anything to write. For the mean time, just let me rant and if you are already annoyed, then you always have the option to click on the "X" button located on the upper right hand of your screen and get rid of this site. :)

we're okay!

I talked to him again today around 2 am. He droped by the training room and we went to the old pantry. I told him the things i've been meanin to tell him and he also explained his side on the heist. I find it amusing that people's relationships with others can be destroyed because of fabricated stories. More so, it's even possible that these stories can ruin the lives of others. He admitted that he was wrong and I in turn accepted the apology and also asked sorry for being so impulsive. Bottom line is, we are okay. Although there are things that can no longer be undone and words spoken that can never be taken back, I'm glad the fog has cleared now. We will never be the same again because he have priorities and choices to make but what matters is, we are important to each other and that we value the friendship. The case is going to rest. We have sung our piece but our music has ended and all that's left are but figments of a love that was not meant to be for now. It doesnt mean that something has failed that everything has ended. :)

one gloomy day

i was buying toiletries at Metro the other day. I intended to buy 'em when the store opens so as not to be stuck in the usual lag behind counters... much to my surprise, in less than 30 minutes, the whole supermarket was full of people and I can barely breath. And it began to sink... the christmas rush is evident and while I was loking for the nearest and most convenient washing powder, the rest of the people were doing their christmas shopping in preparation perhaps for noche buena. My heart started to feel really heavy... what made matters worse was that out of nowhere, from the "apple bottom jeans, jeans boots with the fur." rant of Flo - Rida on the supermarket's blaring speakers, it changed to "pasko na naman, ngunit wala ka pa..." by Ariel Rivera... And then tears just started gushing..

I know.. I know... it's as pathetic as it may seem but I can't hide it... It felt so bad knowing and remembering that I have 5 days to go on a vacation this xmas and yet, I have nowhere to go to.. I have no family to spend the holidays with... The cashier gave me that scrutiny when i was giving her all the items I wanna purchase while wiping my tears at the same time. All she could manage was, "ok ra ka mam?" I then told her, "ga emote ra ko, miss!"

I left the counter with a heavy heart. I found may way to the exit and was supposed to hail a cab when this shabby street kid caught my attention. He was lying on the stairs, with no slippers on and his had this hunger - stricken grimace. I dont know what got into me but that very moment, I felt the need to do something. I woke him up, and he was startled. I extended my hand and surprisingly, without hesitation, he readily gave his. I got a grip of his weak hands and motioned him to go with me inside the supermarket. I was up to doing a little act of kindness that day.

I took him to the kid's clothes setion and bought him his outfit for the day. I didnt mind the stare of people. I was determined to do everything that I can to make that little kid's day, special. While shopping for his clothes, I asked him where his parents were. He said, his mom already died and that the father works somewhere in Carbon. According to him, he has 3 siblings that are also working there. He, being the youngest gets to roam around the busy and dangerous streets of Colon since no one was looking after him. According to him, he lives within Carbon's vicinity.

After making him change his clothes and ending up wiping off the dirt all over his body inside the men's rest room, he looked clean and was ready for a food treat. Infairness to him, he wasnt the typical beggar. He seemed courteous and even was shy and I appreciated that. And waht amazed me was the fact that he always said, "salamat" anytime he had the opportunity.

We went to jollibee and I let him choose which food he wanted. he managed to give me a faint and shy smile and said, "Bisan unsa lang 'te!" We ate and i asked him a lot of questions and his responses were most of the times monosyllabic. Nevertheless, everytime I was looking at him, his innocence brought so much joy to me. It felt like Jesus Christ feeding 5,000 people in the Bible.

After eating, I asked him, "unsa pa may ganahan nimong buhaton, dong?" He said, "uli nako te." I didnt want him to leave because it felt like I had to make him more happy that day but he said, he wants to go so I asked him if he knows his way home. He said, "O, duol ra man!" Then out of noweher he gave me a very tight hug which brought me back to tears. I have never felt such a genuine hug in my entire existence. Very genuine and very sincere. He said, "Salamat kaayo te! Di ni nako kalimtan. Kuhiton nya tika kung makit an ka nako dire ug usob." and he happily strutted far away from me swinging the toy car that I bought for him on his right hand. The heavy feeling that I felt hours ago were efaced. I felt peace and serenity. I realized that life should not be wasted on ranting about the things that you dont have but rather, spend it appreciating the things you have and counting your blessings because it is always a fact that we are more blessed than others in so many ways than one.

I dont know if I'll ever see "Rico" again. But one thing is certain, I may have made his Christmas memorable but the feeling of making him happy was incomparable.

the gift he gave...

He gave me this gift November 28, 2008. He was on leave yet he still went to the office to give me this. I was touched. I know the effort this entails. I should know. *sigh*

Life in a Box

i passed by this family who lives in a kariton. i was looking at this 2 year old boy, playing with rocks in the middle of the pedestrian lane. he was so dirty, naked from the waist down that i instantly thought of germs. i swear my body just started itching. psychological, i bet. i looked back at the boy again. unsurprisingly, he doesn't seem bothered at all. he seems rather busy.... playing with rocks. he was busy pounding it against the pavement.

looking at them, i realized that their life seems rather simple as compared to mine. simple worries. simple happiness. no big issues to worry about. although they do worry about the rather simple things that doesn't really concern me much ---- food, clothing, home. else, they're good to go. does that mean i complicate my life? that i'm the culprit here?

that's when the boy squealed. i noticed that they seemed rather content. no big expectation of their life. no pressure. i was actually scared to ask them what life means to them. or what they expect of the future... as they might not even think of it.

the day it poured

i feel sad today. not mad, just sad. but i know i have to be mature about it and take it all in. i wish somebody would just hug and comfort me.

earlier, when i turned by back around, i realize this was it. i was really walking away. midway through, i stopped... i wanted to run back and say i don't want it to end. but i gripped on tighter to my bag and continued to walk away. and that is partly true... for i don't want it to end. i just want the pain to stop. if only...

i want to be strong, not for anybody else... but for myself.

5 mins...

We talked yesterday. What was supposed to be a 5 minute talk turned out to be 15 minutes and tears were streaming down our faces and we gave each other the tightest hug.

H: Di na jud nako kaya.

M: You think ikaw ra?

H: I missed you.

M: Yeah right! *sigh!*

H: There are things we need to talk about jud.

M: I know and....

H: Shhhhhhhh.. (gave me a hug again!)

M: We'll talk more. There are things you need to know.

H: I know...

M: You have to go. You will be late.

He walked to the door but he came back to give me another hug. *sigh!*