jaded

Here they are again: disjointed thoughts. Just a jumble of ideas, without form, without coherence. No similarities, no familiarity, no nothing. Just words, ideas, dreams past and future, dead guys, living guys, murder victims-to-be streaming past my jaded brain.

A plethora of thoughts, some useful, some good as unconceived. Dissipating into nothingness before I could even make use of them. Let alone understand them.

It’s just words and words and words, like a cool mountain stream passing over a rock sitting quietly on the riverbed for centuries.

Only in my case, I’ve been on that sandy bottom for only twenty - six years.

Twenty six years. Such a brief period. Nothing but a heartbeat in the greater scheme of the universe. What’s 4 billion years compared to… bleh, twenty six?

But if it’s such a short time… why do I feel so old and jaded? I feel I’ve been through so much, I’ve seen too much. And yet I feel so… small. Useless. Non-existent.

Since when did my thoughts matter anyway?

The world would go on turning even if I thought it should stop. The sun would still throw wave after wave of radiation at the Earth every 8 seconds even as I think that men are such weaklings. Roaches would still stink and politicians would still be their greedy selves.

Who cares? Are they obliged to care? Am I?

Just thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts streaming into my jaded brain. Faster than a bullet train tearing through the subterranean tracks of Tokyo. Faster than information traveling upstream and downstream these fiber-optic cables.

Faster than a pickpocket's hands wrapping around your cellphone. Faster than a bullet through the head. Faster than a Leer jet with its resonating sonic boom. Faster than Ian Thorpe can splash across a huge tub of chlorinated water.

Faster than falling in love. Faster than him breaking your heart. Faster than getting f*cked without even realizing what was happening to you.

Being in love. being disillusioned. I don’t believe in justice anymore. I never see it served.

I don’t believe in truth anymore. I’ve seen it twisted so many times into so many grotesque forms to suit whoever’s abominable causes.

I don’t believe anybody understands what I’m saying. I don’t expect anyone to. I don’t understand anything.

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