wut the heck!

It's all over the news and I can't help but react to this incident. Politicians nowadays have become waywardly appalling and I can't just believe the fact that power can turn you into a monster - a vicious diablo!

What right has someone to just maul and hurt people paying for almost everything that he and his family has? Has Nasser Pangandaman and his son forgotten the fact that because of Delfin dela Paz' and the rest of the people's taxes, he is living a comfortable life? Overwhelmed with power and authority,ei? Well here are two words for you:

FUCK YOU!!!

This just proves how rotten the world really is; how cowardice brings out the most evil side of humans; how greed to obtain power only to trample upon the weak comes out in situations like this. To put it bluntly, it's abuse of power. These people do not have the right to have a position in the government--these people don't deserve to be called "servant leaders".

In this country where the "power of the government no longer emanates from the people," I still hope justice will be served.

this one's for _ _ _ _!

The more I know about your darkness, your weaknesses, your not so saintly thoughts, who you are when no one is looking or listening or reading, the more I'm drawn. The more I am endeared to you. It's me. I have an affinity for the broken. The things that are not yet whole, once were or merely pieced together to have the semblance of normalcy. Because I belong to that lot. Sometimes, I'm glued in so perfectly that none would be the wiser. But I know better. I know.

I know of perfection. And it doesnt apply to me. Because no matter how I scrub the insides,lint sticks in unreachable corners. Some have marched on to the higher levels and I'm happy for them. They deserve to be happy yet have chosen to stay with me 'til I turn out. They could have moved on but here they remain.

And I'm choosing to stay for you.

Let's grow together!

shit happens, ayt?

I think sometimes when we get so focused on the things that go on around us, we forget about the others. The others being, 1) things could be much worse, 2) change will inevitably happen, and 3) there are other much important things than our work, or those people who cannot accept where we are right now.

After going through all the pain and tough shit, I've realized that it's useless to fight back, but it's useless to give up as well, there's no point in arguing, or trying to prove to people that you've done nothing wrong, or thinking and worrying about what will the outcome be next. At the end of the day, all we can do is just make do with what we have. Enjoy the moment, despite it being crap, the moment will pass, and when it does, as long as you've got nothing to hide, you'll have your moment of 'I told you so'. You get to go through everything only once, don't let other people ruin it for you. aftr all, shit happens to everyone, ayt?

Leave

...If I could leave this world

I want to leave this world

At least just for awahile...

One of the best decisions I made this 2008 is when I chose to buy a laptop. I can give you a litany of reasons why I am so happy with me getting it but for now, what's number one on my list is the fact that for as long as it's with me, I can sit down and write my thoughts anytime and anywhere. I'm not really a fabulous writer but I know I can write. And usually, my streams of consciousness is often found in the pieces of thoughts I put together in my blogs. Seriously, I find it convenient to just open my laptop, click NOTEPAD and type my emotions away. Darn, it feels so good getting one! :)

Having spent the whole holiday season sleeping or strutting the malls, I decided to change course. I decided to go on an adventure. I grabbed my laptop, enough money and headed to the nearest convenient store to buy somethin to eat on my way. It's almost 6pm and I've decided to go to TOPS. It's one place you can find serenity and clear your thoughts... What a perfect place to write!

So here I am looking at the scenic view right infront of my eyes. The lights are flickering. It's windy and cold up here. The sky is already dark and there are no stars tonight. Even from up here, I can still see the cars passing by below. I stood in the railing feeling the cold wind, looking back at the many nights I spent here thinking of what my life has been. I leaned over and closed my eyes. I then started thinking of how fragile the human body really is and one jump from where I am now, one fall to the hard ground, one break of the neck and skull, that's all it would take to kill me. It would only take about a minute to end everything. One minute and I could forget everything. I wouldn't feel pain anymore. I could rest. (evil grin)
I wonder if I would feel anything when I hit the ground. I wonder if my death will be slow or sudden. Will I be aware that I'm dead? What would I feel? Where would I go? Will I wake up into a new world? Or will I just sleep forever? I wish I would just sleep forever.

I opened my eyes and looked up in the sky. I wonder if my family will miss me? Will they cry in my funeral? Will they be angry with me? Will my parents blame themselves for my death? I laugh because I know that they would only be embarrassed. They would only blame me for shaming them again.

I turned around and looked, looking for something to hold on to. I searchd for something to stop me from doing what I have been contemplating for the past months. But I really don't know what I'm looking for. I really don't know what will make me stay.

I turned back to the railing. I feel the wind and the cold. I lean over feeling the darkness already engulf me. As I lean over, I wonder again how fragile the human body is. I think how easy it is to end everything.

Will I feel anything when I hit the ground?

P.S

I know this is crazy and I realized it's not healthy to be alone in such a conducive place! :) Off to the city again! :)

Merry Christmas!!!

Went home quarter past seven in the morning. Was pretty tired with the whole year – end meeting session with the trainers in Manila. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t as tiring as it was supposed to because all we did was talked and laugh and stuff like that. What made it so stressful was the fact that our new members made it so difficult for us (well at least that’s how I felt). They don’t tell you straight that they were just forced to join the team but how they acted, how they answered questions and how they carried themselves the whole time during the meeting gave substantial proof that they were not comfortable. It appeared to me that we have deliberately uprooted them from their comfort zones. Well, life’s like that. We deal with changes. And although I don’t really believe that the only permanent thing in this world is change because there’s death and taxes, but believe me, the training team is their best option. It may take time for them to discover the gold hidden among the ores but believe me, ‘tis worth the time. *sigh*

I was supposed to go to sleep immediately however I decided to go with Sherl and Bang to do their last minute Christmas shopping. We went past the busy street of Osmena Blvd to check on the Sinulog shops and perhaps grab some things to buy for ourselves and others. After the walk, we ate at a “ponkers” somewhere in Sanciangko and man; I almost vomited due to over eating. After the scrumptious meal, we went to Plaza fair and checked on the variety of knick – knacks found in the shops. We dropped by this candle shop that had a very irate Chinese owner who lambasted her employees with rants and verbal daggers. I got so pissed with how she treated her employees that if it were not for Sherl and Bang’s strong grip on my hands, I would have bought the fight and slapped that abnormal – looking owner right on her face. The nerve of her to treat them with so much disrespect and humiliation! Maka stress ha!Last stop was at a nearby ukay – ukay. Unfortunately, I didn’t find anything worth my time so we parted ways since Bang’s gonna be working by 8pm. I went to Metro and bought something to eat for the night. The Christmas rush was killing me. The grocery was puking with people and I hated the fact that I had say Php300 worth of groceries in my grocery basket while the rest of the people were like buying loads for Noche Buena. The Good thing though is this time, I didn’t cry. Maybe I got saturated that I’ve learned to compartmentalize things. I went out of the grocer past 3pm. I placed the grocery bag on top of my table and hit the sack. I woke up 1am. Yeah, I slept my heart out and didn’t bother celebrating Christmas with the rest of the world. :)

Was it a Merry Christmas? Duh!

My ears have been bombarded by this song from East17 called "Each Time". Boredom was my new friend and so all I could do was listen to music and reminisce. No sleep for this fair maiden. Every moving color, every intricate detail seemed to move me with renewed beauty. "I'm alive again," I secretly uttered. Content was in the air. And so, I flew. And I remember asking my dear readers, "why do we cry"? During my time of distraught, I asked the fleeting question. Waking moments during ungodly hours of the night, full of reveries -- fear, melancholy and then misery. I thought of forgetting. I thought of digging up a hole and burying the desparity that left this soul scarred and calloused like a wearry wench. But despair is never without glee when there is acceptance. And so I taught myself to accept. Numbness at first but everything started to fall into place after much hardship.

At the moment, let me re-iterate the question. What makes us smile? When we smile, do we not fear that it will only last for a few milliseconds before it disappears into oblivion, forgotten, and never mentioned again? Do we smile because it's for free, knowing that everything in this world costs something? I'm such a fool. I'm such a fool. In this little world, there will always be rich and poor. Rich in gifts. Poor in gifts. Rich in love. Poor in love. Always something to envy our neighbors about. Always something there to appropriate. And it's never enough. Sigh! Maybe this is not for me. Maybe love is not for me. I'm too afraid. I know that I should not torment myself with such cruel contemplations. But this is me. This is human. * Hah! I started thinking again!

for lai's beloved...

I refuse to wait for you any longer. There was a time in my life when I would have saved myself for you alone. In my heart no one else would do. I belonged to no one else but you. That isn’t me anymore. My heart finally caught up with my brain and I finally saw that all of it was just nothing but fantasies. Dreams that only I wanted. There was no hope left for us. As each day passed, it became clearer to me that it was never meant to be. We were never meant to be.

I refuse to live in the past. What we shared lives in the past, it doesn’t control me any longer. Don’t get me wrong, I will forever treasure it but I won’t let it hold me back. I won’t let it ruin who I was and who I am now. For a time, I almost forgot who I was without you. I’ll never let that happen again. I won’t ever lose myself again.

I refuse to fight anymore. For several months now, I’ve been fighting. I’ve been fighting for our friendship and for us. However, no matter what I do, I seem to be losing. Whenever I feel as if I’m going to buckle down because of the pressure, the thought that somehow maybe you are fighting for us too kept me going. But months have passed, I haven’t heard from you. Somehow I finally realized that I was the only one fighting for us. I was doing everything I could possibly can for someone who was and never will be mine.

I refuse to believe that you didn’t love me. Somehow, someway, I know that I have a place in your heart. You may not have been able to love me the way I wanted you to love me but I know that even for just a second, you really did love me.

I refuse to lose hope. It may not be you. It may take me forever to find him, but I will. Tears have been streaming down my cheeks for too long but not anymore. I have learned so many things from all this. Things that I felt should have been taught to me some other less painful way but somehow I don’t regret it. It made me stronger. It made me look inside myself and really see who I really am and not who I thought I was. Hope kept me going. The hope for better things to come, the same hope that one day I will finally be over you.

Vincent Van Gogh

As I look at Vincent van Gogh's painting "Starry Night" printed in cheap paper on my wall, I could feel the surge of imagination running through his veins as his mind controls every stroke of the brush. Just a tiny village at peace while overhead rages the cries of the heavens. This painting makes me feel as such mass of serenity, tranquility and love around me in a feverish haze on partially reflected in reality while I remain grounded and secure in my own isolation. I kept a printed copy of this magnificent depiction inmy room hoping to keep the printed motionless life on my walls but as my unfortunate days overwhelms my every existence in this unfair little world, i found myself tearing the printed picture off my walls one day and saw myself laying turbid but not peaceful along with it. I tried moving on with my life with having not to think nor hope for a more peaceful world or something like it, but unfortunate mishaps and non - intentional outbreaks have come to be my refuge, i myself have become one of them, them - working - souless people walking like zombies on the streets without hopes fora better world but their own, so busy with their own tribulations similar as mine, but how can I tell ifwhat I had known to believe in is not a floating zombie itself? I don't know, and I dont think I wanna know.Without having to think of something beyond my redundant existence makes my life miserable and my whole soul empty. Life is so simple, so are people. But human emotions that goes along with it is complex.I am complex. But I have learned to love me and Ihave learned how to deal. There is really no point in fighting it nor does it hurt to hope for it, the painting is not empty and so are we. And now my seemingly destoyed painting printed in cheap paper is up on my walls again, reminding me everyday that there is a place similar to that little village inside me and a little part of that evening of mass tranquility above me.

bored and listless

I went home around 7:30am earlier. Our meeting didnt push through so I decided to hit the sack after almost a week of not getting enough sleep. I slept for and hour but was relentlessly awaken by the numerous text messages that I received from people. And I remembered my appointment with Elmer at 4:30. So I decided to just change my clothes and go early to ayala. I figured, I have a new laptop so why not while away time and surf and blog. :) So here I am staring at my monitor and pouring all my thoughts. Bored? That would be an understatement.. If I have plans of letting Mr. Sandman in? That I dont know yet. Perhaps when I can no longer think of anything to write. For the mean time, just let me rant and if you are already annoyed, then you always have the option to click on the "X" button located on the upper right hand of your screen and get rid of this site. :)

we're okay!

I talked to him again today around 2 am. He droped by the training room and we went to the old pantry. I told him the things i've been meanin to tell him and he also explained his side on the heist. I find it amusing that people's relationships with others can be destroyed because of fabricated stories. More so, it's even possible that these stories can ruin the lives of others. He admitted that he was wrong and I in turn accepted the apology and also asked sorry for being so impulsive. Bottom line is, we are okay. Although there are things that can no longer be undone and words spoken that can never be taken back, I'm glad the fog has cleared now. We will never be the same again because he have priorities and choices to make but what matters is, we are important to each other and that we value the friendship. The case is going to rest. We have sung our piece but our music has ended and all that's left are but figments of a love that was not meant to be for now. It doesnt mean that something has failed that everything has ended. :)

one gloomy day

i was buying toiletries at Metro the other day. I intended to buy 'em when the store opens so as not to be stuck in the usual lag behind counters... much to my surprise, in less than 30 minutes, the whole supermarket was full of people and I can barely breath. And it began to sink... the christmas rush is evident and while I was loking for the nearest and most convenient washing powder, the rest of the people were doing their christmas shopping in preparation perhaps for noche buena. My heart started to feel really heavy... what made matters worse was that out of nowhere, from the "apple bottom jeans, jeans boots with the fur." rant of Flo - Rida on the supermarket's blaring speakers, it changed to "pasko na naman, ngunit wala ka pa..." by Ariel Rivera... And then tears just started gushing..

I know.. I know... it's as pathetic as it may seem but I can't hide it... It felt so bad knowing and remembering that I have 5 days to go on a vacation this xmas and yet, I have nowhere to go to.. I have no family to spend the holidays with... The cashier gave me that scrutiny when i was giving her all the items I wanna purchase while wiping my tears at the same time. All she could manage was, "ok ra ka mam?" I then told her, "ga emote ra ko, miss!"

I left the counter with a heavy heart. I found may way to the exit and was supposed to hail a cab when this shabby street kid caught my attention. He was lying on the stairs, with no slippers on and his had this hunger - stricken grimace. I dont know what got into me but that very moment, I felt the need to do something. I woke him up, and he was startled. I extended my hand and surprisingly, without hesitation, he readily gave his. I got a grip of his weak hands and motioned him to go with me inside the supermarket. I was up to doing a little act of kindness that day.

I took him to the kid's clothes setion and bought him his outfit for the day. I didnt mind the stare of people. I was determined to do everything that I can to make that little kid's day, special. While shopping for his clothes, I asked him where his parents were. He said, his mom already died and that the father works somewhere in Carbon. According to him, he has 3 siblings that are also working there. He, being the youngest gets to roam around the busy and dangerous streets of Colon since no one was looking after him. According to him, he lives within Carbon's vicinity.

After making him change his clothes and ending up wiping off the dirt all over his body inside the men's rest room, he looked clean and was ready for a food treat. Infairness to him, he wasnt the typical beggar. He seemed courteous and even was shy and I appreciated that. And waht amazed me was the fact that he always said, "salamat" anytime he had the opportunity.

We went to jollibee and I let him choose which food he wanted. he managed to give me a faint and shy smile and said, "Bisan unsa lang 'te!" We ate and i asked him a lot of questions and his responses were most of the times monosyllabic. Nevertheless, everytime I was looking at him, his innocence brought so much joy to me. It felt like Jesus Christ feeding 5,000 people in the Bible.

After eating, I asked him, "unsa pa may ganahan nimong buhaton, dong?" He said, "uli nako te." I didnt want him to leave because it felt like I had to make him more happy that day but he said, he wants to go so I asked him if he knows his way home. He said, "O, duol ra man!" Then out of noweher he gave me a very tight hug which brought me back to tears. I have never felt such a genuine hug in my entire existence. Very genuine and very sincere. He said, "Salamat kaayo te! Di ni nako kalimtan. Kuhiton nya tika kung makit an ka nako dire ug usob." and he happily strutted far away from me swinging the toy car that I bought for him on his right hand. The heavy feeling that I felt hours ago were efaced. I felt peace and serenity. I realized that life should not be wasted on ranting about the things that you dont have but rather, spend it appreciating the things you have and counting your blessings because it is always a fact that we are more blessed than others in so many ways than one.

I dont know if I'll ever see "Rico" again. But one thing is certain, I may have made his Christmas memorable but the feeling of making him happy was incomparable.

the gift he gave...

He gave me this gift November 28, 2008. He was on leave yet he still went to the office to give me this. I was touched. I know the effort this entails. I should know. *sigh*

Life in a Box

i passed by this family who lives in a kariton. i was looking at this 2 year old boy, playing with rocks in the middle of the pedestrian lane. he was so dirty, naked from the waist down that i instantly thought of germs. i swear my body just started itching. psychological, i bet. i looked back at the boy again. unsurprisingly, he doesn't seem bothered at all. he seems rather busy.... playing with rocks. he was busy pounding it against the pavement.

looking at them, i realized that their life seems rather simple as compared to mine. simple worries. simple happiness. no big issues to worry about. although they do worry about the rather simple things that doesn't really concern me much ---- food, clothing, home. else, they're good to go. does that mean i complicate my life? that i'm the culprit here?

that's when the boy squealed. i noticed that they seemed rather content. no big expectation of their life. no pressure. i was actually scared to ask them what life means to them. or what they expect of the future... as they might not even think of it.

the day it poured

i feel sad today. not mad, just sad. but i know i have to be mature about it and take it all in. i wish somebody would just hug and comfort me.

earlier, when i turned by back around, i realize this was it. i was really walking away. midway through, i stopped... i wanted to run back and say i don't want it to end. but i gripped on tighter to my bag and continued to walk away. and that is partly true... for i don't want it to end. i just want the pain to stop. if only...

i want to be strong, not for anybody else... but for myself.

5 mins...

We talked yesterday. What was supposed to be a 5 minute talk turned out to be 15 minutes and tears were streaming down our faces and we gave each other the tightest hug.

H: Di na jud nako kaya.

M: You think ikaw ra?

H: I missed you.

M: Yeah right! *sigh!*

H: There are things we need to talk about jud.

M: I know and....

H: Shhhhhhhh.. (gave me a hug again!)

M: We'll talk more. There are things you need to know.

H: I know...

M: You have to go. You will be late.

He walked to the door but he came back to give me another hug. *sigh!*

Ladies and Gentlemen....

meet Sophie... She is sleek... She is awesome... She has a memory built to store numerous files and what not. And yes, baby, she is mine... :)

I shall be joined by her in our search for endless quests... Hours of candid talks and loading of memories and music. She is currently my pride and I worship her. :)

random photo..

Handuraw
12/09/08
10:20am

Marsh's post birthday party.

one tough week (updates)

Hiya guys! :) It's been a long time since I last updated you with what's going on. It has been a hurley burley ride for me and some people... no worries though for I shall tell you everything that I can recall. Where shall I start?

• I cried a river last week. Our boss told us he was resigning and the news made me so so so depressed that I gave him my immediate resignation that same day. No offense to those people out there who I believe are doing more than they can to show they're worth their jobs, but my boss? He is incomparable. No one does it better than him and there's utterly no reason to stay in the company if he is also leaving. The whole thing got rectified though when the owner of the company talked to him personally and made him stay (he is that brilliant!) ... So everyone is happy... Everyone in the training team is beaming with joy. Yippppppeeeeee... "J" is staying for good and I cant contain such happiness... :)

• Our company christmas party was held at the CICC. Well, everyone of course came in their glamorous gowns considering that twas a red carpet event. I was obliged to wear a freakin gown and everyone knows am not used to waring one in my entire existence. I found the party boring. Pretty boring except though for that part when "S" sang. He wasnt feeling well. He had fever and had the sorest throat but he still managed to put a fight and got a spot. I brought him meds that night. Earlier that day, we were in the training room - he was practicing with his partner while I on the other hand watch him with so much adoration. I love the kid. He is wonderful. An eventful thing happened right after the party though. We got both into each other's nerves and argued a bit but I was thinking twas already settled before we called it a night.

• "S" was absent last Monday. I got worried and tried texting him but I never got a response. I figured, he was just resting until Tuesday came. I bumped into him and to my astonishment, he never said "HI!" which he never fails to do every time we meet. I started to wonder but then I never thought he was mad because as far as my knowledge is concern, I never did anything to make him feel bad. Lunch came and I decided to grab something to eact at McDo. While on my way, I saw his teammates situated on one of the tables. They said "Hi" so I was obliged to dropped by their table. Seconds after, he arrived and there goes the cold shoulder again. I almost died of brain purging for thinking so hard what the hell I did and I cant think of a valid reason why he chose not to talk to me. It went on for 3 days until I can no longer contain it. So I sent him a text message and out of decency perhaps, he responded. (You may read the details here.) Bottom line is I eneded the friendship. I may be shallow for doing it but what can you expect? If he claims that it wasnt me, then why didnt he talk to me? If he wanted space, then why didnt he tell me? Was it too much to ask? Did it give him pleasure looking at me forlorn and clueless as to what I did? All I have left are questions that will never be answered anymore. I chose not to talk to him. He wanted to but I told him that he already forfeited the right to talk to me when he chose to hurt me this much. Everything will always be hurting for me. I look at him and all I have are memories. Regrets? Yes, a lot... If I wanna talk to him again? My heart longs for it but it's better this way. Maybe, we are just toxic to each other and we're better apart. I know. I should know. *sigh!*

• On a lighter note, I had CARE Training for Team Soc and believe me, they made a very big difference. I was broken the whole time I was training them because I was still bothered about me and "S". Yet thanks to my trainees (Yuan, Sharpey, Elaine, Rhiza to name a few) who made the whole experience worthwhile. I had diversion and all I had to do was laugh all the heartaches out. I was also thankful because my impression people changed. Like Clau, I've always seen her as sooooo "maldita." Detestable! Difficult! Who would look at you with her glaring stare and you'ld melt and die that instant. In truth, she is really one hell of a personality but I realized, she's just more like me and we somehow think a like. And I figured, we can really be good friends. :) It made me realize that the saying "first impressions NEVER last" holds true. What you perceive of people doesnt have to be their reality. It takes a lifetime to fathom the unknown. Like one of the Johari Quadrants, we have a FACADE and oftentimes, this is misinterpreted. :)

• Right after CARE Training, we had breakfast and drank booze at a nearby "tambayan" while others were singing their hearts out. I left around 10am (Mylyn picked me up) to surprise RJ. twas his 22nd birthday and we thought of buying him cake and taking him to church. The poor thing cried when we brought out the cake with two candles lighted and sang him "happy birthday!" We had dinner at their house and stayed in his room until 12midnight and we then called it a day.
  

Twas a tough week I know. With little happines on the sides and mostly sadness, I believe I will be able to bounce back. 90% of life after all happens beyond your control while 10% of it happenes because of how you react. :) I think i should start practising what I teach in CARE. Law of Attraction. Think positive. Now I'm using my brain again! *brain mode*

moving on.... (the last piece of the Audible Whisper Saga)

Dear Audible Whisper,

This is my way of moving on, of saying goodbye to a love that was never meant to be and was never totally mine to begin with.

You know, I've never really understood what happened between us... How and why we came to this - avoiding each other, barely talking, barely even on speaking terms. But then again, was there ever an us to begin with? We were just friends who kidded about having a relationship. It made us laugh to see others' reactions every time we'd tell them we've gotten together and that we call each other Ate and Dong. You always referred to me as "girlfriend nako" but we both know there's really nothing to it, or at least that was what we owed up to the rest of the world. Even now it would make me smile to think how fast and how far things have gone from there.

We started spending a lot of time together, talking, drinking, eating, singing and loving at the same time hating the world... We would always choose to closely sit next to each other if the situation permits with you just tickling the strings of your guitar and me on the other hand looking at you with so much adoration... We would hold hands and be very affectionate with each other on clandestine Sundays... We would hug infront of people and we never cared about what they would say. We even had private jokes that we didn't want to explain or share with anyone else... And every moment we spent together was fun even if we weren't doing anything at all. Friends say that there's this tenderness with which we look at each other, a twinkle in our eyes and a soft smile on our lips that held so much promise... But what we had was never formalized, no words were spoken, nothing clarified nor explicitly admitted because we both know that we cant. We were playing mind games practically all the way.

I never knew if you loved me back, I never asked. At first it was because I truly believed there wasn't anything out of the ordinary that needed questioning, and when it finally dawned on me, it was too late. You seemed to have changed your mind already. From this point onwards, things went from happy, even blissful, to downright ugly. Suddenly it was as if we didn't know each other. You stayed as far away from me as possible. This time I wanted to talk, clear things up once and for all, but you didn't want to. And no matter what I say, everything falls on deaf ears. Eventually, I thought it was better to keep my silence, to just give you the space you're asking for.

But though I may not have said anything... I loved you with all my heart, and love you still, but I'm tired - I'm tired of fighting for a love that has lived its moment... of living on memories that are special only to me...

Thank you for everything... For taking away my insecurities; for showing me that people do love me for who I am; for making me understand that people I love will hurt me but it doesn't necessarily mean they love me any less, and that when they do hurt me, it is possible to forgive, forget and move on with life; for making me realize it is possible to trust again after getting hurt. Thank you too for giving me the most painful lesson in my life thus far... That the moment you love someone you have given him the capacity to hurt you, that how much you hurt is equal to how much you have loved, that getting hurt is proportionate to having too many expectations. Thank you for accepting me and allowing me enough room to grow at the same time... For inspiring me and making me want to become a better person. Thank you for being there when I needed you - for the silly and the serious moments; for making me laugh, smile and cry all at the same time; for holding my hand when I'm nervous or scared; for giving me a hug and wiping away my tears when I'm sad or confused; for never failing to make me feel better no matter how down or how depressed I've become; for unselfishly sharing my joys and my happiness. Most of all, thank you for making me feel special, for making me feel loved, even if it was so ambiguous and so fleeting I was hardly conscious about it.

I'm sorry things had to come to this - I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you after all, and I wasn't supposed to expect anything to come out of our playing pretend either. But even if everything got so painful, I'm still glad to have known you, to have had you in my life even for just a short while. I've heard people say that while some good things never last others don't even start - I guess that fits us exactly...we could have been good together...good for each other, but then since we never really gave ourselves a chance, things had ended before they even began.

I'm letting you go, I'm letting us go. I've finally accepted that this is the way things would have to be, that i should allow us both to be free enough to seek whatever it is that will truly make us happy. Even if it isn't with each other.

I must admit you probably won't be too far away from my thoughts, and that thinking of you will still bring that tinge of sadness and regret. But I'm okay. I will be okay. Loving again may take awhile though. For now, I'd concentrate on healing myself, on making myself complete on my own - so that when the right one finally comes, I'll be able to give myself to him as I would have wanted to give myself to you.

Wherever life may lead us from here... good luck!

so much hurt!

The last time I was broken was eons of years ago. I almost lost my self in the process. And I vowed to my self, I will never be that broken again. But what can I say. History repeats itself. It occured to me again in the middle of daydreaming and solitude... "L" and excahnged messages and she told me that "S" texted her something. The text message from "S" to "L" angered me so much so I sent him the following:

M: What the hell did I ever do to you? I tried containing everything "S"! I didnt want to react to anything. Your actuations that fluctuate every now and then. I tried asking what's wrong but you never said a word. I respected that silence. But this? This is too much!

S: kabw ka, wa rajd ta nag.abot. f ok ra nmo, stryaon tani krn para maklaro... the past few days ky d lng jd ko kastrya ug ka tagad ky nglagot ko sa uban panghtbo, bt l jd ko nglgot nmo f u must knw.

M: Your wayward texts say a lot. You're disappointed. You want to get mad but you cant. Everythin. Now you can say anythin you want to say. Think whatever you want to think, I dont care anymore. This is already and irrepairable damage. And I'm so stupid for trying so hard to understand. For believing that somehow, you know me. That even before you believe in other things, you would ask me first. Do me a favor "S"! Try to look back and think of the times we talked. Think of the friendship that now has gone haywire. Now ask yourself if I deserve this.

S: Did u thk that was easy 4 me? and did u even bother 2 ask?

M: I asked you. You said we'll talk but it never happened. Anyways, I don't want to know anymore. I guess it's better this way. Maybe we're just toxic to each other. There are things that we need to sacrifice. Self - preservation. I don't usually do this but yes, I'm giving up on us!

S: fine, il rspct what u want... bt jst so u knw, it wsnt u, twas nvr u... lsod lng jd au istrya ky naa othr ppol invonvld... bt anyways, fine... nvr thot kaw ang ma wa, i was hopng it was somebody else... thanks 4 everything, guess we'll never knw...

I didnt bother replying... like I said, I give up! There are second chances but there are things that are not meant to be.

meet Tricia!

she has the knack of jabbing at your ego anytime she wants to...
she is as crazy as she is funny...
her witty antics amuses me...
we could pass for twins because we think a like... aloud at times...
she has her "sukob" moments that makes people go ballistic over her...
she is the apple of "duke's" eyes...
she is from Manila but she is here in Cebu rocking our worlds...

People, meet Trisha.... :) She's a woman from hell - simply because she is...
sizzling HOT!!!

blase`

I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about what you think of me -- if you seem to think that my emotional growth is some kind of freak mutation or if you think that this new kind of liberty is an escape for a more sinister plot to undo your sense of stability. I’m tired of thinking what other people might think, what you might think, or what other people might think about us. I don’t care about old drunken pleasures nor do I care about faded tempting promises. I weary of these boring platitudes. Give me something new. Give me something original. Give me anything before the final wick turns to ash. I don’t care anymore. I’ve stopped caring about myself a long time ago, so why should I start caring about what other people feel. Call me selfish, inconsiderate, call me bitter, call me dry. My new name is uncaring. So what? I’ve willed my beating mass to stop throbbing. I don’t care anymore. So what if I cry myself to sleep each night your face mirrors in my dreams? So what if this contemplation lasts for eternity? So what if last night's earthquake brought me into a conclusion that my first thoughts and final prayers were of and for you? So what if I know that I will never love anyone as much as I’ve loved you? So what? I don’t care anymore. I no longer want to feel. I want to be left alone. My mind is already saturated with reveries. No need to share me yours. Stop sinking my ship. I’ve tried saving too many people from their own monsters. I want this moment to save myself. It will be eons before you could take it from my lifeless greedy grip. I want to be lost in this vicious cycle. Let me splurge. Let me bask. And in the end, let me gloat. I don’t care anymore!

infinity fall

Sometimes you ask yourself when is enough? Is the heart such an enduring mass that you just let yourself go thinking that it's a well of infinite possibilities? Please do not misconstrue, dear readers. I know that all of you mean well. A bruised heart takes longer to heal than a bruised ego. A stream may sparkle with the most luminous light but nymphs prefer to bathe when their mind is clear, and the atmosphere is warm. There will be other days for a swim.

and belladona leaks

Hello...

I just thought of you again while I was surfing. If I may ask... why do you, as it seems to me, use the word "ephemeral" with regard to you, your writing, and your words? Is it because of an awareness of mortality? Is it the knowledge that you consider this phase in your life as something easily replaceable, something that eventually will be subsumed by any future interest?

You've got a very interesting mind. It has a depth that is potentially immeasurable. What you seem to be doing, though, is tamping down on the very wellspring where substance leaps from... if given free rein. Focused intelligence is a product of hardship, and wisdom is the result of relentless purpose forced through a smelter. At least, that is what I think. I'm probably saying love is best understood by one who has undergone the sharpest pain, true joy best defined by one who has seen the greatest sorrow. But then, I have been mistaken too many times to underestimate a perspective other than my own. Nevertheless, you are -- like I said -- quite interesting, and in another place and time, I'd have been honored to share tea with you again (so to speak). I concede that honor to a luckier person, because to search you out now would probably be disastrous. You are a beautiful person, and thus, you are dangerous, and under the circumstances, I might be a danger to you. I hope you understand what I'm saying . Do not doubt what you are, what you can be. It is so easy to become what you work for. It is a far more difficult thing to become what you can be. Am I making sense?

Be well, pretty one.

weathered

As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've l earned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jack asses.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear, it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in the office, one of your colleagues did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

*The bamboo bends but does not break

The Old man at Mcdonald's

Life is one big charade. Just peer through the Cebu crème de la crème’s peephole. They’re awash with pleasantries and comfort – enjoying the dainties of feasts, smiling their perfect smiles into the camera, dressed to kill in fashion that are never less than to-the-minute mod – these people, the quintessential images of wealth, health, and fortune. I don’t begrudge them their lovely times. Most of the time, I’m envious (most especially by the way fate smiles cordially upon them). However, during these trying moments I find myself knotted in queries left hanging for conclusion with regards to the absurd boundlessness of life, and the ephemeral illusions of the less fortunate's torrents which silently fleets away. It mars whatever good things my early broodings have caused me, wiping the curve from my lips. It shows me the lacking in every perfect smile I see, leaving me with but the faint frailties of an early perusal I made. I think of this particular squalor, a gnarled and wracked body along McDonald’s Jones – lamentably dressed, reeking with a stench still unnamed, donning his rag-tuxedo, trash bag belt and mosquito cape – he sits there, hands outstretched to their farthest reach to catch a few coins and a handful of flinches and looks of disgust. In times of loss, whenever I expect people to be there, I can always count on this old man. Come rain, come shine, he’s present – more dependable than some politicians who are the difference in not reaching quorum. I’m sure he has his share of glory days but as of the moment, he’s there begging for alms, begging for mercy, for empathy, and probably peace – an end to his tormenting stature. I am turned from pity to bereavement as I contemplate on the series of emotions I transcend from as I carefully drop a coin into this soul’s eager hands. Would I feel pride? My ego-imp mischievously veers my eyes to turn around and check out if anyone has seen my act of generosity. How about stern cynicism? I then berattle myself for abetting the state of his being a beggar – I silently will myself to turn away and scold myself for his brittle bones look strong enough to support himself to work! Then the guilt inevitably rolls through me like a torrent, and I am moved to ineffable pity. But before I am reproached by any other emotion, forgetfulness visits my door to soothe my weary mind. Then I get out of there, anywhere else but near him, and when I’m home, the unnamed stench is still creeping in the alae of my nose, and that miserable face lingers with me for days to come, until I can’t take it anymore and I make a couple of sandwiches, bursting and take it to that dimly lit crevice to dump them all unceremoniously into his begging hands. But it’s never enough, so I make horrible rhymes, chanting them like a mantra to lull me to a more peaceful state of mind, because nothing I can do will make it right, and all the words I say will still be trite. Dusk will come and still, it will be a sleepless night until dawn claims my restless heart, and the world revolves, uncaring.

i'm back.... at least for now...

Been pretty busy... as in hell - bent and all. Been doing back to back classes for the past month and life has been really treating me cruel. Haggard! After almost six months of being in the evening shift, got transferred to the morning shift only to find out that the freakin' class was cancelled so I get to go back to the evening shift again starting tomorrow. (tough luck!)

Since I am not doing anything right now except wait for the photocopier to puke all the papers, I decided to grab the opportunity to sit and post all the pending blogs that I owe you. Enjoy... React and read on...

Life's pretty boring..

...

Him: So when am I supposed to ask you?
Me: Ask me again when your ready. By then I'll be ready with my answer.

sometimes happiness can cause so much pain... *sigh!*

....

Audible Whisper!!!

you just made me feel that I'm the loveliest girl in this side of the archipelago! sigh!

Him...

he who made me feel like am the prettiest girl in this world...
he who owns this oh so sad eyes...
he who makes me feel like a woman again...
he who owns the most immaculate of hearts...
he who made me believe that life is so beautiful to share it with someone...
he who is the epitome of life...
he whose life i worship and adore...

and he who broke my fuckin heart... :)

rants... just pure rants...

Happiness in guilded boxes. It's always a nice thought. It's November and I'm feeling a little better because the year is about to end. A lot of b*llsh*t happened last year and I'm hoping that everything would be uphill starting next year. Advanced happy birthday, Sigh! Currently, I'm listening to music from my this company pc. 3DoorsDown. The music lulls me to bliss. I remember being free. No cares. No qualms. Just me and my music. Some people drown themselves in amber ale; others, in the swirling swoosh of cigarette smoke; still, others choose to drown themselves in silence during times of despair. But not me. I'm too proud to admit my misery. Why waste time sulking when you can celebrate your little glories with music. (duh!)

duh!

Oh Freak! I've ran out of webbies to surf! This is what happens when you don't have a class to train, no bondpapers for the photocopier and my previous trainees are on OTP (Off the Phone). 1 hour to go and I'll be logging off. Dormant for almost half of the shift. What kind of work load is that?! I'm supposed to be sitting on my laurels and pampering myself with time (a lot of time) but I can't. MOnumental waste of time! Argh!

dream or promise?

Am I just make-believe? Is my life merely a figment of all my senseless imaginations? Or am I a promise? A being that has never reached that point of self-realization and has yet to unconceal her wings to the world? But is it a process really? Or is everything a choice of the thought? When you see the world in this particular light, are you being real? Or are you just trying to be somebody that you are not? When you touch another person's heart, are you trying to reach out to her as if to uncarve her from the sculptor's hand or are you trying to carve her into another?

When you touch me, do I touch you the same way? Or this is all skin? Or do I no longer exist at all when your fingers laced my heart?

To Audible Whisper

These are, hopefully, my final words to you.

You sat near, thanked me profusely for my words. I shunned you off, knowing it will be easier for me not to remember you more. The letter will always be with you anyway. I said my final goodbye and you replied you hate goodbyes, that this is just another leaf in our lives that we have to turn... That though this might be hard but you had to make a choice... I agreed and realized that everything has been all about you...

You who became my inspiration in this boring, routine job... You who, in your own secret endearing ways, encouraged me to excel and be the best that I can be... And because of you, I strive to become my best... And because of you as well, I had tried to change myself (because people always say that I am too good for you) but in vain... I realized later on, I can never have you but I can always be me...

But why have I not been affected of these feelings until now? Have I denied it then? If I should have told you beforehand, would you stay? But my disclosure came too late. Blame it to fate. Funny how we set our eyes on that specific somebody who cannot reciprocate the desires in our heart when there are a lot of others willing to do so. But this is reality. There can only be just one person whom one will choose to love... And in my case, it's you...

This is it. I have shed the last bucket of tears. I now understand perfectly your unspoken words. And as i sat here into the welcoming arms of abandonment, this time, I promise, it will be all about me. How many times do I still have to cry to finally let you go in my heart? I guess this time i will not allow myself to be vulnerable. You're leaving and that's all there is to it. No more what-ifs and what-might-have-beens...

Goodbye, dreamer's eyes... Don't worry i am trying to forget these feelings... I will miss you, I really will and I guess you know that. And the saddest thing, you did not give me the reason to hold on to something that might have been between us. Or could there be or nothing at all? I am weeping still... This might be the reason why I dont like working anymore...But i will not blame anybody nor myself... I am just human afterall, I love and fail, I am, fortunately, not a goddess...

epitaph

I told my friend Jib that I always felt that I am going to die young. Okay, I do not want to sound morbid but for inexplicable reasons, I have always felt that in a way, coursing through my thoughts and tugging my heart every now and then... I do not know though how I will die or when (being in one's 30's or 40's is still considered young anyway, I reasoned to myself) but I am always fascinated by this feeling... It makes me look forward to each day and knowing that I may not have enough time left in my calendar, I tried to make each day count, each circumstance worth taking into consideration, each moment a time for rediscovery...

There are certain fears though associated with death... And I guess all of us have the same fear, and that is first, to die alone... to lie on my deathbed and nobody to give my final words to... that sure is scary because i do have a lot to say before i die... second in my list is not to be able to see my (future) children grow up and live their lives according to the normal routine of our existence: preschool, facing adolescence, accepting our individualities, finishing school, getting a job, having a family, relishing life's meaning and finally, getting old... i believe that witnessing other people's growth defines one's purpose in life... third is to die and to still have people harboring a grudge on me and not being able to say sorry and finally bury the hatchet... it's too telenovela-unfortunate to have somebody laugh at your funeral when everybody else is shedding tears... and finally, the most important of all, to die without having somebody to love and be loved in return... that, of course, is a tragedy...

whew!

"a woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets, scoop the water out of it and you will unearth another deep well of water still..."

i am waiting for tomorrow... i cannot live for today, your silence is unbearable... yes tomorrow when you will become just a mere butterfly perched on my windowsill... i wish i could summon the gods to transform you into a fading memory... but they are more evasive... how can you teach a heart to disown itself momentarily?

i remember you still but now it is more like a passing thought... i am afraid i do not even know now if i can still recognize your voice from a distance. i have come to terms with myself. this is all that there is to it. there is more to waiting than the ceasing of wants...but this time, i have resolved not to wait for you.

WARNING: This Rant is very long!

Simply the thing I am shall make me live... (William Shakespeare)

After working for nearly five years in a call center, the most financially rewarding job I had and yet the most emotionally-taxing as well, I realized that I am bored. Sure I am part of the more favored department: the training team. And sure I get to visit the famous places in the country and buy the things that I need and I want. But the sad part is I began to realize that I am not growing professionally and personally. It hit me like a curse that courses through my being and manifests itself through an increasing clamor for meaning. The daily routine of work, sleep and a little recreation is like a dagger aimed on my neck. The days seem long and hungry for purpose. More than a vacation, I know I need a new perspective.

I remembered during this time last summer, I spent a four-day breather from work with my colleagues in the previous company that I worked for. After spending a quick one-night stay at gorgeous Plantation Bay, we headed over to bountiful Bohol braving the chill of the approaching rain. By the time the ship landed plus the 30-minute drive from port to hotel, it was already way past lunchtime. Another half hour or so and we are ready to take that ultimate sightseeing tour to several famous tourist destinations in the island. After the trek to Chocolate Hills, we headed over to meet the exotic tarsiers in a tourist spot near the Loboc River. There, we went on a sightseeing tour on board a motor banca. Our tour guide, a twenty-something young man with bronzed skin and sun-bleached hair, provided detailed descriptions of our surroundings. He was conversing in English and minus some grammar blunders; he was in fact very articulate.

According to him, he was the first person in their village to finish high school. The school is several kilometers away and children had to walk for an hour each day back and forth all for the sake of learning. That’d explain why others though would rather prefer staying at home. And that of course led to the low literacy rate in the village.

He said he had 18 brothers who all lived in the same village and that due to poverty; they were not able to get out of the village to seek opportunities in the city. And now with their wives and children, they were stuck on their village by the river which was both their life and bane at the same time.

Luxury was scarce. The village does not have electricity. The only major source of consolation was bathing in the river and basking under the folds of Mother Nature and relishing the scent of the cascading waterfalls and the stroke of sunlight under the green foliage. This is simple life redefined and yet with all honesty, I could not imagine trading places with these people. Here we are, tinkering with our computers and other technological gadgets, oftentimes complaining about the idiosyncrasies of our everyday life, complaining about not having enough and yet for other people from some undisclosed parts of the archipelago, enough would mean having to wake up each day to commune with nature, eat a meager meal each day and laugh and listen to uncertainty softly whispering into their ears.

But yes, until now, as I reminisce, I cannot guess who is happier. When we interact with them, we think they are more blessed for living a simple, uncomplicated life away from the hustle and bustles of our city life. But when you read through their wide-awed eyes, they think that we are so lucky to taste the technologically-driven luxuries of this world.

Are we really more blessed? Am I blessed having to wake up each day to get to my work, spend 8 hours each day for 5 days in front of people? Am I blessed because I know that I don’t have to spend my nights in total darkness, I can buy the things that I want and that I am given the privilege to harness my skills and abilities through extensive education?

Or perhaps they are more blessed - for having the security borne out of ignorance. While here I am, in this big, big world trying to survive through rough times in this economically-challenged country, working my butt out in this call center business and weaving for myself a financially-secure future. Here I am, trying to carve my own niche in this world in order for society to deem me successful. And yet here I am, restless and unfulfilled.

Almost everyday, my supervisor usually calls up to discuss about how we were doing and our performance. Humility aside, this has never been an issue for me especially since I know I work hard at least to deserve the post given to me. But lately I have been feeling especially detached with my job. I guess I was clamoring for something new other than having to stay for eight hours straight muttering those all-too-familiar words that have been my script for a long while.

Yesterday, while trying to ward off my sleepiness, I chatted with an agent about our common friend. She mentioned that Ria’s grandmother has just died battling the same disease she has been fighting through series of chemotherapy with: breast cancer. I immediately called Ria and she started crying uncontrollably. She poured her soul and I was trying to make her feel better. Later during our almost one-hour conversation, she told me about her passion for the art. With death looming on her door, she urged me to pursue my dreams (she knows I love to write, she is a painter) because life is too short to take for granted our dreams (oh, what credibility, those words coming from the mouth of one whose loved one has just died!).

Her words hovered above me like a looming eagle ready to soar. This has been my dilemma for quite a while. Glenn, a dear friend who also works part time in a local newspaper in Bohol, has been prodding me to join the team again or at least submit my articles since time immemorial; but I haven't had the motivation to collect my thoughts and write.

And then came Ria’s words: “You can still train people while you write. You don't have to sacrifice one for the other.”

She was right. Back then, I gave up the opportunity to work in a regional broadcasting company simply because I know this will not make me secure, financially speaking. I have to be practical, philosophy will take me nowhere. So I have made my choice and forgot about my passion for writing. Hearing Ria’s words however made me think otherwise.

She thanked me profusely for making her feel better, for giving her a shoulder to cry on. I was inspired. If only she knew she was the one who made me feel better. I did not only make the difference in her life, she actually did on mine. Before we end, I promised to keep in touch.

Perhaps, that is why I am writing now; to try to get back to the self I once lost, to recollect the dreams that lay barren on my field.

Dreams need only a little boost from its bearer and then the entire universe will conspire to work on it.

I felt the need to write again. I felt the need to be consumed by writing and be myself.

Yes, I will still keep this job but I do not need to detach myself from who I really am. And yes, I am, after all, blessed to have this job to keep me afloat and a dream I can pursue.

And to echo the words of my mentor and friend, Sir Ramir Uytico: “Remember too that you are first a writer, do not forget.”

...

Main Entry: obliv·i·on
Pronunciation: \ə-ˈbli-vē-ən, ō-, ä-\
Function: noun

:the condition or state of being forgotten or
unknown

thoughts

Dear [Audible Breath],

I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about what you think of me -- if you seem to think that my emotional growth is some kind of freak mutation or ifyou think that this new kind of liberty is an escapefor a more sinister plot to undo your sense ofstability. I’m tired of thinking what other people might think, what you might think, or what other people might think about us.

I don’t care about old drunken pleasures nor do I care about faded tempting promises. I weary of these boring platitudes. Give me something new. Give me something original. Give me anything before the final wick turns to ash.

I don’t care anymore. I’ve stopped caring about myself a long time ago, so why should I start caring about what other people feel. Call me selfish,inconsiderate, call me bitter, call me dry. My new name is uncaring. So what? I’ve willed my beating mass to stop throbbing.

I don’t care anymore. So what if I cry myselfto sleep each night your face mirrors in my dreams? So what if this contemplation lasts for eternity? So what if last night's abyss brought me into a conclusion that my first thoughts and final prayers were of and for you? So what if I know that I will never love anyone as much as I’ve loved you? So what?

I don’t care anymore. I no longer want to feel. I want to be left alone. My mind is already saturated with reveries. No need to share me yours. Stop sinking my ship. I’ve tried saving too many people from their own monsters. I want this moment to save myself. It will be eons before you could take it from my lifeless greedy grip. I want to be lost in this vicious cycle. Let me splurge. Let me bask. Andin the end, let me gloat.

I don’t care anymore. F*ck!

off to tabuelan...

the blue skies...

aquamarine seas and

wonderful people....

>>>a paradise on earth<<<

into the nothingness...

i traversed and found solace...

...

currently speechless...
this, too shall pass...

The Take Off

October 4, 2008 (4:10am, Mactan International Airport).

As I looked into the faces of Mj and Jib who were both extremely excited about the long over due trip, I wondered if any of them realized that deep inside I was as scared as a convicted murderer being taken to the electric chair. For several days, we have been preparing for our departure for Manila and even though I was also looking forward to this trip, I dared not think about the actual flight. Now here I was, face to face with my hour of decision! Don't get me wrong. This is not the first time that I've been on the plane. But still, I was scared. Scared that the plane might crash and the world will lose such a wonder like me. (char!)

The attendant must have noticed the look of awe and wonderment on my face, or I must have stood frozen in position; whatever happened I am still not sure. All I remember is that she took my boarding pass and said something about welcoming me aboard and hoping that I enjoyed the flight. She practically led me by the hand to my seat!

At my seat I started fumbling with the seatbelt and was on the verge of exasperation when finally I was able to put it on. I then settled back into my seat watching what seemed like an endless stream of passengers boarding. How many people did this damn thing hold! My mind wandered as I sat there by the window. I can’t say how long I had been daydreaming, but I was suddenly brought back to reality by the sound of a female voice on some sort of intercom.

The voice was metallic and monotonous. I could tell that whoever it was, she had repeated those very words again and again possibly for years. She welcomed us all aboard, told us her name and proceeded to explain certain emergency measures. Emergency measures! Who was she kidding? Here I was, trying to figure out what manner of idiocy had brought me aboard this contraption, and she was talking about emergency measures! That did it! I immediately grabbed my “King James “ pocket version and started to read from the psalms. After all, I could not think of anything real bad that I had done, so the scriptures would surely help to calm me down. (okay, I am exaggerating! I didnt bring a Bible. =p)

As we taxied down the runway I sat rigidly, (jib's fingers were at the same time buried on my arms-he didnt like the feeling of taking off) and asked the powers that be to make sure that we did not roll into the ocean. Buildings, trees, other planes whisked by, and in no time we were airborne. Even though I was scared half to death, I was impressed by the totally different perspective I had when I dared to look out the window. It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen! I could see miniature buildings and lights way below. The shoreline was visible for miles and I found myself wondering if the people who drew maps did so from airplanes.

After several minutes into our flight, I started to relax a little. The feeling of crashing began to vanish. We did not appear to be moving! I looked out the window and all I could see was a dark sky. I was on top of the clouds! The captain’s voice came over the intercom wishing us a safe flight. We would be cruising at 355 miles and should be landing at Ninoy Aquino International Airport in about 45 minutes. Somehow the captain’s voice was more reassuring than the previous voice we had heard. Feeling much more secure I settled back into my seat and started to read the plane's magazine while Jib and Mj were so busy talking. I had barely got into my book before two attendants pushed a cart with assorted food and drinks, stopped by our seats and asked whether we wanted anything to eat. Afterwhich, I closed my eyes and dozed off...

There was a flickering of lights and the voice on the intercom informed us that we were approaching NAIA, and would be landing in a matter of minutes. I looked out the window and was amazed with the sun set. What a sight! There was a bump followed by another and buildings were flashing past my window. We had landed! We taxied for about 10 minutes before coming to a complete stop. I shall never be able to describe the profound feeling of relief I felt knowing that we were again on solid ground. (we did not crash and I was still alive! oh yeah, hardcore paranoia!)

With all the anxiety I felt, I really believe that we owe a lot to technology and the pioneers of flight who made it possible for me to travel 355 miles in 45 minutes...

Manila trainers, here I come... Sit back, relax and buckle up!

why now?

It’s sad, really. Some people just come too late; and though we know we only have one lifetime and it’s a short one at that to waste on anything but the things, people, and moments that truly make us happy, there are choices we’ve made in the past that simply cannot be undone.

Some people just come too late.

God Bless the Broken Road

this is one song that has been haunting me for days now. the lyrics is so perfect!

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream
Lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
They were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way
Into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.
Yes he did!

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true.

Every long lost dream
Lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
They were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way
Into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you. yes he did

Now I'm just rolling home into my lovers arms
This much i know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

random thoughts

There is drudgery amidst happiness. I once read in a book something to this effect:

Happiness is repetition.
Man hates repetition.
Therefore, man can never be happy.

This is scary.

I wonder what my heaven will be like...

I remembered reading this book by Mitch Albom entitled "Five People You Meet in Heaven".

Made me wonder what kind of heaven I'll come up with. For Marguerite, it was a world of weddings because err... she loved weddings? I'm trying to think of a place I consider perfect that it's worthy of being my heaven, but I can't come up with anything. I'm thinking nature, vibrant colors, serenity. Read: What Dreams May Come. But if I am to base it from the book, I'm sure my heaven will be something else.

I wonder who the 5 people I will meet in heaven be.

I wonder if I also inadvertently killed someone when I was a kid. Yikess. Scary thought.

I wonder if I'll see my beloved lolo as one of my 5 people who'll teach me an important lesson about my life that was.

I'm thinking, If I die now, who will I wait for to find peace? Will there be some truths in my life that would need to be revealed? Reason for these thoughts? Well, my life is pretty much boring and uneventful so I really don't think much will be revealed. I do still have some hangups with one or two people, so maybe I'll be waiting for them to find peace.

And maybe it doesn't matter what my heaven will look like, as long as all my loved ones are there. Awwww. =b

my dumb question!

Does loving someone require knowing that someone really, really well?

in trance

I am in a trance.

Staring straight ahead, I walk on. I am aware of people around me, I see them yet I sense that they live in another dimension. And that I am in a separate one, where only I exist. I see and feel their presence, yet there is an invisible barrier that separates them from me. I interact with them, but there is a defined detachment, allowing me to show only a small part of the I that exists. They try to break through the barrier but the barrier is indestructible.

I feel the weariness of every step, yet a lightness emanates from some vague feeling of anticipation. But it is not certain. It could just as well be dread.

And yet, the lightness stays, infiltrating every cell of my body. It tries to make itself known, it attempts to surface, but the I that exists gently pushes it back.

I carry on. In my protective trance. Where only I exist.

...

Some quotes from The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera:

We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previoius lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.

There is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison. We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself? That is why life is always like a sketch. No, "sketch" is not quite the word, because the sketch is an outline of something, the groundwork for a picture, whereas the sketch that is our life is a sketch for nothing, an outline with no picture.

bull

Is it possible to completely be yourself anywhere, with anyone, and with any given situation?

Is there anyone out there who is completely, with all honesty, himself regardless of the situation?

Be yourself. Most used advice ever. Total bull. :D

over a cup of coffee

There we were at Mocha Blends, me sipping a piccolo glass of Mocha Malt Adoration, and him enjoying a glass of Mocha malt something or or the other. I can't remember what made me mention good and evil but that's when the argument started. He said that there is no good nor evil in this world, that good and evil just came from the dictates of society, that when the world started out, there was nothing good nor evil, everything just is. I vehemently disagreed. I believe that there are some things innate in this world, and as intelligent human beings that we are, we have that instinctive knowledge on what good and evil is. But he believes otherwise. He argued that the good vs evil judgment is just something that society imposed on mankind.

I agree that society may have imposed a lot of norms and beliefs but my question is, where did man base his judgment? What made him decide that such a thing or an act is good or evil?When somene punches your face, you feel pain, and you know that that pain is bad because you don't like the feeling of pain. I don't think pain is something that has to be dicated by anyone, for you to know that pain is bad. It's something you know instinctively. In the same way that we instinctively know that killing someone is evil. It's because we have that innate desire to preserve life, because we ourselves also have that innate desire to preserve our own lives.

He says that I should read Conversations with God 1 for me to understand his point. If it will answer the question, What made man decide that something is good/something is evil?, then maybe I'll be convinced. But for now, as long as no one can answer that question, I stand by my belief that there is good and evil in this world, and that man's knowledge of it is something instinctive and innate.

random thoughts

There should be some kind of alarm in our body that will go off everytime you seem to be doing the same stupid mistake that you've committed before. The alarm should be something like a sudden small writing on your forehead that will appear saying "STOP! Don't go there again!" Or probably, your arm will suddenly hit your head when the alarm goes off, like a reflex action. This alarm isn't really to let you know that you're about to commit the same mistake again. Fact is, we KNOW. Problem is, we don't want to acknowledge that we know. We pretend that we don't, shrug off that built-in alarm in our mind, and continue going towards the pending stupidity. The alarm would just be a firmer reminder, a splash of cold water on our stubborn heads, not to commit the same mistake again.

***** I wonder if other people's lives are a seeming vicious cycle like mine. *****

I can't believe it. There is actually some sense left in me. Wow. After everything that was. After the gazillion resolutions and promises that I've made. Wow.