Stuck in dumb days!

I know.. This is another post for today but I can't help it. I'm bored and listless and am just trying to pry myself to sleep. Tsk!

I am 25 years old. And days from now,I'll be having my birthday again. Not much to it. I hate the feeling of getting old. People would ask me this brainless question, 'So, how does it feel to now that it's you've turned a year older?' Duh!!!!! I feel like a year older! So what else is new? People grow old and they die. Then maggots feed on your rotting carcass while you turn into dust. Hard facts of life, eh? Well, you just need to make the most out of your life while you have it. Live with it, dude!

Today is January 13. Not that am so conscious about what date is today but then there's just nothing inside this void brain of mine that I can think of... yeah, don't curse me for revealing a fact that when you're brain gets so full of bits and pieces of scraps, all you could do is stare at the nothingness unable to let loose of the single thread of sanity you're consumed with...

Right now I am struggling to find the reasons for living. I'm 25 and I feel like 60! My 20's in a capsule? Hmmmm.... I don't know what I've accomplished. I've got zero to brag about.

You see, life is not like the 'monkey see, monkey do' concept. It doesn't work that way. You learn on your own. You have got to find your own niche in this world. You have to be loud to be heard by the majority and to be understood. I've been screaming all my life. I'm tired. But it seems that no one hears me. It's partly my fault. I seldom allow people to permeate through me. Don't be fooled by the clean-handed exterior. It's just a front. If you must know, I'm all broken up inside. Behind the warm smiles and emphatic laughter is a dismembered soul. This is primarily the reason why I am not ready to commit in a serious relationship yet. I'm empty and I've got nothing to offer. Know what I mean?

I don't know what is wrong with me. People, with the cleanest of intentions, would advise me that I need to look at the bright side of life and to just trust God. Do you think I don't know that crap? Please don't insult my intelligence. I am not that futile. I used to long for death. I used to pray for the eternal sleep; just dissappear on the brink of oblivion. I feel that my life is totally wasted. But now, I am trying to enforce on myself a much positive outlook on life. I need to be in the presence of positive people for me not to wallow in my concocted misery. Damn, why can't I just be free?

For the past couple of days, I feel stupid. A friend of mine told me that I'm smart. Yeah right! Tell that to the fishes! I guess I'm feeling this way because.... because... I dunno... Well, you can't help but feel shitty at times.. Feeling like a piece of garbage!

I will be 25 soon and I am still stuck in the dumb days. I should have learned my lessons by now but I guess I'm still playing stupid. Someday, I shall free myself from all these horse shit.

PUHLLLEZZZ!!! I need to be free!