How do we drive the evil forces away?

I really do not have a sure fire answer to this question, except that lately I have been subjected to such strength of force. I am evilmyself, but some would have much stronger power than mine. And I was not prepared because I thought that evil of the same degrees celsius of fire would flock together. However, I was wronged by some events that occured inside my kingdom.

The week was surely stressed-charged characterized with tears and shouting bouts with the cosmic powers. However, the evil forces culminated with the ending of a story, which I looked forward to end in a fairy tale but ended otherwise. Moreover, reasons of unparalled irrationality and impracticality abounded. It was so much fun, definitely pun intended.

When I prayed for drama and instability, i did not really pray that hard to be given this exciting eent in my life’s chapter. Oh well, just like any other bullshits that hit me, I’ll get over this and will definitely win,notwithstanding the fact that I have already won by merely going through these.

a birthday greeting from my Team

Carefully consider the infinite possibilities.
Think of the entire if’s, what’s, so, therefore and every other function.
It could have been any other person in another world.
But this universe conspired and decided it’s going to be Annamie and Paolo.

And we are so much grateful that has happened.

We want to thank you for sharing your good years with us.
The laughter, tears, joy, learning, arguments and love we all have borne together has made this friendship truly an honor and a royal privilege.

Our prayers are with you this day and always.
May the good Lord bless and keep you at all times.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Self!

Today is my birthday.

When you're young you think that when you get older, you get more answers. Now that the number in the age prompt is higher today than it was yesterday, it seems like I only get more questions.

For example, why the hell are birthdays happy? I personally haven't had one since I was seven.

I mean, by the time people think that you can personally fend for yourself, they stop giving you anything on your birthday. Your birthday then becomes something you save up for so that your buddies can get sloshed on your behalf.

It's quite the karma event, actually.

First of all, you get great presents for the first decade and change of your life, and then you get to pay for all those wonderful presents that you got as a kid. Twelve years of in, the rest of your life out. What an exchange.

What if you had a bad childhood? Does that entitle you to 12 years of wonderful gifts later on in life? I don't think life works that way.

Now that I'm 26, this, I guess is supposed to be the year I start paying up for all those other people who never had a happy childhood, who never had a birthday cake, who don't know what it means to have a Happy Birthday. I never thought I could feel such happiness.

However, that could explain how you have to pay for your birthday parties far longer than other people have paid for yours.

Could it be that these greetings are so that you can appreciate people wishing you well? Is that what birthdays are for, to let you know that you're not such a loser, that some people still care for you? Doesn't that same principle apply to Easter, Valentine's Day, Christmas, and all the other life events that require a greeting card? So, what gives?

Let's say that it's just another card-giving occasion. What happens when the greetings become really superficial? Like if they come from officemates you love to hate? What if you work for the Postal Service? Does that entitle you to more heartfelt greetings? I don't think the world spins that way.

A friend says that people wish you happiness on your birthday so you don't think about how much older you've become and how much closer you get to the time you die. If you look at it that way, then your birthday is a really sh*tty day, probably the sh*ttiest one of the year, and birthday greetings are nothing but an exercise in denial. Is that the way the world spins? I hope to Christ not.

If you're anything like me, you don't expect to live much beyond 50. Bad habits like smoking, drugs, food, fear of exercise, and a sedentary lifestyle contribute to my prediction of early coronary heart failure. I mean, my ALgebra professor died before he hit 40, and I'm way fatter than he was at my age.

Should today, therefore, mark the onset of my half life crisis? I guess that puts me ahead of my peers. I'm already halfway through, while they've got a whole lifetime ahead of them (change not included). So, eat, drink, be fat, obese and merry, because these things put you ahead in life. Perhaps that's the way it's supposed to work.

Hahahaha. Happy Birthday to me. :)

The Brain and Society

Is there no hope for the human future? The answer to this lies in the labyrinthine structure of the human brain.

More than twenty years ago, the American neuropsychologist Paul MacLean, after extensive research, came up with a model of human brain structure which he called the triune brain. According to him, the human brain "amounts to three interconnected biological computers," each having its own intelligence and subjectivity.

The smallest of these is the Reptilian or R-complex, so called by MacLean because, as his studies revealed, it is responsible for aggressiveness, territoriality, ritualism, and hierarchy, which characterize reptilian behavior. It is therefore the part of the human brain to which can be traced the origins of imperialism, racism, sexism, elitism, authoritarianism, and totalitarianism.

Surrounding the R-complex is the Limbic System, which is absent in reptiles and which we share in its fully developed form with other mammals. It is the source of strong or especially vivid emotions. According to the late world-renowned polymath Carl Sagan, "There are reasons to believe that the beginnings of altruistic behavior are in the limbic system. Indeed, with rare exceptions (chiefly the social insects), mammals and birds are the only organisms to devote substantial attention to the care of their young..." Who has not seen a dog growling and gritting its teeth as a stranger attempts to approach its puppies? Or a cat moving its kittens to a safe spot somewhere? Or a hen risking its life to save its chicks?

Lying upon the rest of the brain is the Neocortex which comprises about 85 percent of the human brain and is present in a less developed form in other mammals. Our ability for abstract thought and reasoning springs from a highly developed neocortex. Mathematics, science and technology, arts and letters, and philosophy--these are all creations of the human neocortex.

The largeness of the human neocortex in comparison with the R-complex and the limbic system gives a telling indication of what we can be. It means that nature has gifted us with a tremendous ability to curb our baser instincts. If society is mired neck-deep in decadence, it is because our neocortices have not been put to full use. But prospects for a bright future are extremely high, if only we could will ourselves to try hard enough.

That we humans have been slavishly acquiescent to the reptilian component of our nature shows how little we respect ourselves as a species. Our species is distinguished from the rest of the animal world by the possession of a greatly advanced neocortex, but our neglect of this very important part of our brain makes us little different from the lowest beasts. It is through a maximum use of the neocortex that the human race shall become truly human.

"If you know both yourself and your enemy, you can come out of hundreds of battles without danger."

The title can be taken from one of the books I never fail to read over and over again.

13 Chapters... 13 amazingly cunning and brilliant chapters...

Laying Plans... Waging War... Attack by Stratagem... Tactical Dispositions... Energy... Weak Points & Strong... Maneuvering... Variation in Tactics... The Army on the March... Terrain... The Nine Situations... The Attack by Fire... The Use of Spies...

Niccolo Machiavelli. His name synonymous to ruthless politics, deceit, and the pursuit of power by any means.

Why am I writing about him and his book, "The Art of War"? Because he deserves recognition. Applause. Worship.

He is one person who influenced a lot of people I know to be ruthless, deceitful and overly zealous in the pursuit of power by any means.

the naked truth

I am on an unprecedented personal pilgrimage – pilgrimage towards the truth. My journey, perilous and dangerous, has been on a rocky and bumpy road ever since because few dared to walk this road, much more pave the way with concrete for others to follow. This personal undertaking met several obstacles and hazards; I was even called a lunatic and a fool at times. But such petty (yet degrading) obstacles would never deter my determination to advance this seemingly impossible adventure because as long as there are conspiracy theories, as long as there are controversies and lies, there would always be fuel to my rampaging drive towards the truth.

I thought I already made myself clear on the entire brouhaha (or should I say “bruhilda-haha”?). This scandal is coming out of people’s ears, all over. People just seem bent on making the story drag on and on.

And on.

Being the frustrated writer that I am, I write about so many things. But people are on a rampage against me; and they refuse to be ignored. So pardon me for using precious blog space to clarify matters. I think it’s best to put everything down in black and white now, in a form that I can’t disown later rather than talking my voluble mouth out - uttering words relentlessly that can later be spliced for the sheer purpose of sensationalizing and/or pitting personalities against one another. It’s sheer stupidity!

What is this issue about then?

Why is the issue suddenly being diverted from the real protagonists? I’m not trying to save face here. I take full responsibility for everything that comes out in my bulletin or in my blogs or in my mouth for that matter. But can we please stick to valid questions and statements? Do not question my credibility. It’s still intact, sorry to disappoint. If you so abhor people’s scrutiny and would want to avoid people’s watchful eyes, why didn’t you go about this whole thing quietly? And no, I'm not going to ask my boss to back me up. He remains to be the person who exercise his faculty with wisdom and tact. He has nothing to do with this and with whatever word that comes out of my mouth. I just stated a personal opinion that I believe I am entitled to.

I believe it's about time you look at yourselves. Examine your motives. Reflecton the things that you’ve done. The issue here is not about me talking but about you and your actions! Take responsibility! Own it! Newton’s Third Law of mation after all states that "in every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." Eat that! You do not have any reason nor justification where your venom is coming from!

I was thinking of putting this stuff to a halt and give peace a chance but hell, you and your minions are doing things behind my back - conspicuously telling people "wa koy utang kabu but on" because you were one of the few people who wanted me to get the position. With all due respect, I never failed to thank the people supported me in anyway they can. And I never fail to look back and appreciate and count my blessings. So, what’s next? Ambush? Assassination? Should I be more watchful of my routine because I might end up inside a coffin? A "PROJECT" perhaps? God forbid! But you see, am not afraid. You can go on give me the cold shoulder, talk behind my back, be ballistic and berate me more, I DON’T GIVE A RAT’S ASS!

Frankly, I dont bother to hear the most recent chismis and statements; I don’t fancy listening to a broken record. But well-meaning friends told me how people went Annmae-bashing on several occasions. It’s very disappointing that people like you - professional and in the position, allow or do such a heartless tirade! Does being a professional give you the license to waste valuable time lambasting anyone you please at anytime and can just get away with anything?

Your words are a novelty to me. Enduring your wrath is a small price to pay, to prove that you can’t buy everybody. As a true child of this dog eats dog world, I’d like to believe there’s still hope for everything, but only if we don’t allow a few like you to monopolize it.

Me, caught in a terrible and deadly dilemma, realized my important duty then – from here on I should be critical/skeptical and even more investigative in pursuit of the truth. I should untangle the web of conspiracy, layer by layer, until what is left is the naked truth. And this should my goal from then on, my only obligation: to clear what were intentionally obscured.

The only consolation left to is the fact that the truth is out there (ala X-Files) – isolated, hidden and untold. And it is probably our manifest destiny to uncover the conspiracies proliferating in our society, in our history books, in the office and in our very souls. Now let us haste for the time is ripe for our quest. And then maybe, just maybe, one day: I will end this adventure a thing or two wiser and more enlightened for making the journey. I am human, bound to commit mistakes. I’ve done some or so many stupid things in my life but I still stand by what I said!

success!

What measures success?

I had a very interesting conversation yesterday that drives me to ask this question...

Is it the money one makes?

Is it the property you've acquired?

Is it the security you get?

Is it having people who love you to share your successes with?

Or is it the sense of peace, that you feel you are doing something relevant that makes people see you and want to be like you... well, not in a messianic complex way...

It's the way you expand your circle of influence... making people believe in themselves...

What's weird was how he thanked me for believing in what he can do...

Hmmm... I guess going back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, this does make sense.... gaining approval....

Success is immaterial if you cannot go beyond yourself; to help the people around you see their true potential or push them towards self-realization. This is what Maslow calls self-transcendence.

I'm too tired to explain this, but if you've attended Psychology 101, I guess we're on the same page... :)

Principle... Heck of a Principle!

A man who lives by his principles is a man free from regret. At least, this is what I would like to believe in. Yes, there are times when I have done things dastardly, and I would oftentimes bang my head on the table for having done them but the afterthoughts that come always bring me to a realization that despite my not knowing during the time that I was doing them, they REALLY needed to be done.

And somehow, I feel proud. I never see myself in the path of hardship that so many people try to get out of. Yes, yes. Every now and then there are times that I wish I was out of a certain rut, but that's totally different. I don't deliberately walk into puddles. But deliberate or not, something small yet significant would happen that would suddenly slap me across the face and tell me that I'm still the luckiest bastard around, despite the mud around my feet. These small things make me realize that nothing happens without reason... and my reasons, should my situation be brought about by deliberate effort, are reasons I believe in and reason enough for me to see things through. Yes, even during the times when there are people who do not believe in them.

How do I come across these occurences, these realizations? Simply by wearing rose-tinted glasses. One of the strongest principles I believe in is the intrinsic good in everything and everyone. Somebody may treat me like shit one day, but I would never take it against that person. Something or someone else may have affected that person enough to react, and I just happened to be in the crossfire. Most people are built in such a way that they prefer to think of themselves as victims...they holler, "This is me, after I was ravaged by the world!" and would hit back with a vengeance should something untoward occur to them.

I'm not one of those people now. People would always ask me why I have become so "non-confrontational"... why I think things over before I react and why I hold a certain period of silence first before actually reacting to anything.

Well, I'm fortunate enough to be able to acknowledge the fact that yes, the world can be vicious, but only if I allow its ferocity to swallow me up. Whoever coined the phrase "fight fire with fire" was one dumb fuck. Einstein once said that no problem can ever be solved with the same level of consciousness that created it. I believe in that too. So, fire with fire? Hahaha. Idiocy at its finest.

I saw "National Treasure" today. Boarding house seemed like a furnace so I wasnt able to sleep well. There was this scene in the movie wherein they had to look at the map encrypted behind the Declaration of Independence with a set of multi-lensed spectacles. Nicolas Cage's character saw one clue and thought that it was just that...one clue. Interrogated, buffeted by crises, he saw that looking at each layer of the lenses gave out more clues...that more and more clues can be generated with how you actually use the special set of glasses. That's how life is... only a lot of people are satisfied with just that one clue, which will lead them to a dead end. People never take time to look at another perspective anymore. Life is never skin deep. Life is never taken at face value.

I'm reading Stephen Covey's The Eighth Habit now. There was reference to the same thing. The False Paradigm. For example, people during George Washington's time thought that the cure-all for any and every illness was bloodletting... that every illness is brought about by something vile in the blood. Thus most history books indicate that he died out of a throat infection. Who dies because of a throat infection??? It never occured to the chroniclers of his time that the probable cause of his death was bloodletting... pints and pints of blood drained out of him within a twenty-four hour period, when it's common knowledge today that a person can only survive a certain amount of blood loss within a specific timeframe. And the history books never changed that. They never dug in deeper. It was already an accepted paradigm. Ah, what sweet mistakes we make.

So... I guess I've made my point for today. Right now, I feel like I'm a sponge... just sucking in so much of the things I'm forcing in my head... and it's fun. I want this. I need this. I want more principles. I want more things to guide me. I want to be a person full of principles until every human reaction I see before me is something I can connect to a principle.

Or... maybe I'm just bored. Heck, I don't know. I'm sure I'll thrive on this for a few days... maybe even a few weeks. Until the time that it fizzles out, then learning is my current principle.

on giving up

I keep my word, I finish everything I begin, and I exalt this sense of responsibility as a virtue. Quitting was never an option for anything. "Gisudlan nimo, dapat, imong humanon!" was what I’d always tell myself.

But recently, I’ve realized that there are higher virtues than commitment.

***
I am currently on my 8 months of being a trainer. It was a very sensational promotion considering that I was an agent who snatched the position from 3 other managers who applied. When the position was given to me, I figured I should take it as a sign that this was perhaps something I was meant for.

Certainly the past months were anything but easy, but I survived somehow. Some of the horror stories I believed about the job are true; as true as some are overrated perhaps, but true nonetheless. They’re harrowing, but they’re never enough to disenchant you, really: In truth, the workload is manageable, and the boss more often than not give us what we deserve. Workplace politics plateau eventually, as it does elsewhere. At some point, you learn who to trust and what to believe. Eventually, things stabilize.

And things have in fact stabilized for me. But this stability, I fear, has brought me everything but happy thoughts and cotton candy. With the turbulence of the first months jitters now over, with my niche in tact and a measure of security somewhat in store, I find myself least amused and most tired than I’ve ever been. I’ve started dreading going to work every day, and often end up wanting not to go all. Each task I do I pray to be the last.

But I don’t really want to stick to around to find out for how long. Not this time, anyway.
If I were me 8 months back, I would probably try to slap some sense into me, or sleep this ennui off: I’m a couple of years shy of a more stable future; a couple of years years shy of being able to know enough to change the world in my own little way, as the cliché goes; and a couple of years shy of earning the respect of my parents who thought I couldn’t do any better.

But 8 months in this job have changed me. I cannot now, for the life of me, see what lies beyond those long, 8 months.

And I don’t want to remain unhappy. I am not happy where I am at right now, and I will not waste more months trying to convince myself that I am. Years from now, I will be years older, and by then, I would have thrown more of my early twenties to the throes of mediocrity.

***
Aristotle said that happiness is the end most sought for. And indeed it is. Of course Aristotle probably referred to that happiness beyond the measly glee brought about by novelty or youth, or the fleeting gladness in temporality. But philosophical abstractions notwithstanding, things are often simpler than they seem: When you don’t think you’re happy, you probably aren’t.

And if there’s anything I’m certain of right now, it’s that I know that I’m not.

And this is why, for once, I will give up. That much I owe to myself. And when I do, I will never be prouder because despite appearances, quitting will be by far the bravest thing I would have ever done.

And so, dear job, allow me to wind up and get things done, before I bid you adieu to see the world.

inveterate grumps on the loose!!!

never had the chance to post this soon as I wrote part of this on the notepad given to us during our training which I intentionally left in the locker because the mere sight of it makes me want to shove shit off their esophagus!

----------------

Did you know that my trainers (need I say more?) and a pack of cigarettes have one thing in common? They're all dangerous to my health. In fact, I'm perilously close to adapting the most unhygienic form of contortion. Biting my nails. My toe nails. I think they have perfected the art of causing undiluted stress which drives me to fumigate my lungs every chance I get since they are by far more toxic than nicotine anyway.

And my badly abused gums are screaming bloody murder from excessive and forceful gnashing every time I get this urgent need to castrate them in cold daylight.

Believe me, if my annoyance could kill? They'd be long dead with bones so hideously rotten even worms would learn to say the word GROSS with feelings.

So short of decapitating all of them, I just wrote a premature but certainly heartfelt eulogy should my wish for their early demise come into fruition (with all possible haste, if you please).

There is absolutely no reasoning with these inveterate grumps because even the most brilliant philosopher would go stark raving mad given half the chance to argue with their convoluted logic.

They want things done and learned like we could all command the sun to stop shinning! Worse, their instructions almost always come in pairs as if we're all certifiable morons by birth who can't get things done without constant repetition.

And their photographic memory is simply astounding. Really. Regardless of the circumstance or justification, all our mistakes are in precise chronological order which they can recall at any given time to suit their perverted purposes (which primarily includes honing their oratorical prowess).

My slightly generous nature prompted me to share. I mean, this is my way of cutting down the extremely possible risk of my slow but sure plunge down the drain straight to an asylum. And I could at least stop myself from going bungee jumping (in Macau, perhaps) without the rope if I'm glued to this very slow pc in the training room waiting for my boss.

So there. Whinning sure is a great way to relieve stress. You guys should try it sometimes.

There. I feel a thousand times better now. Just send me your optometrist's bill if you somehow ended up with an irreversible eye damage from reading this. I couldn't seem to stop myself once I started. Sorry. And thank you. That is, if you were able to endure my literary masterpiece until this part where I can say that you either read this out of curiosity or just because you have nothing better to do (just kidding). And for the record, this particular sentiment is not a summary of my general disposition in life. I'm normally good natured (my friends would shout a resounding NOOOOO but their opinion doesn't count since they still love me despite my ..uh.. occassional temper). I have to cut this short. About time I did anyway.

alteration of comfort

Believe me, this is going to hurt me too. Tears are streaming down my face. A convoluted mixture of emotions. Hurt. Pressure. Stress.

The pain you are about to feel will also be my pain, although not too long ago, mine had not been yours. I should have warned you before everything began; I should have told you about my flaw before I let you in my world. Maybe I would not need to do this. To hurt you will not be easy.

It has been written over and over, happy is the person who finds joy in sunshine through a window, bliss in smilies and random text messages, music in the laughter of playing children, pleasure in a borrowed book read over a lazy weekend.

And many believed.

Yet few realized the repercussions of living in the little things. Because just as they are the trinkets of happiness in our every day, they are, when neglected, constant reminders of what is unrequited.

The little things never were important to you, in the same way, I am inclined to think, I never was.

I am angry. I am hurt. And before all the hurting turns to hate, over which I am afraid I have no control, I must hurt you back. You are the reason. Somehow, you have yet to see that.

I remember how, as a child, I used to skip dinner whenever my mother would beat me. It was cruel, knowing how she would later feel guilty about her daughter hungering the whole night; it was nonetheless the perfect strategy to get what I wanted.

At a very young age, I discovered how pain changes people.

It is solitude in a vacant seat that shows us who and what really matter, indifference in empty conversations that reminds us of the people and things we have taken for granted.

Pain confronts us with the realities happiness cannot. Pain is liberating.

Do not be afraid. It is still I, the one who taught you the magic of finding Polaris using the Big Dipper, the one who showed you sanctuary in the warmth over a cup of chocolate, the one with whom you transformed the unrelenting rain into a shower of sanity.

It is still I, I who will hurt when I see you hurt.

This is a cycle that must come to pass.

When it does, I do hope you forgive me, as I would forgive you. I just wish you were with me, old self! You're the only family I have.

fairytales

She was reared by her biological parents. She grew up like a robot. She was started reading at the age of four and to her mom's excitement sent her to school at five. She was smart. Very smart. Her mom wanted her so much to excel to the point of snatching her childhood away from her. While other kids were playing outside, she was to read and study and make sure she aced her exams. Life was a living hell. She was obliged to join singing, painting, declamation and other contests againts her will. Everytime she wins, her mom will be beaming with pride but if she loses, she would be blue all over. Her mom would beat her up like she wasn't even a daughter. She would cry to the top of her lungs but her mom wouldnt care to listen and continue beating her up. She never understood why her mom did this. Why second place was nothing at all. She grow up thinking that being number one is the only thing that can make her mom happy. Her only option was to be on top of the class by the end of the school year otherwise her mom will never be talking to her. She developed a chronic fear of failure when on a National Essay Writing Contest, she placed only second. She saw her mom walked out of the auditorium leaving her to her teacher's care. Her mom couldnt accept the fact that for three consecutive years, her daughter was number one in the whole Philippines for feature writing contest and the last year of her supposed reign, she only placed second. She cried the hardest that day and vowed never to join any contests, never again. Her heart was torn a million pieces when her parents chose not to attend her high school graduation because she failed to graduate Valedictorian. Being second will never be enough. She received her high school diploma without anyone to cheer for her. Not a single family member was in the audience, She lived one hell of a life. Full of anguish and sorrow. Pain and suffering. Her parents had other stations to look after and eventually decided to part ways. Her brother, whom she dearly loves on the other hand, was brought up by her father in anger and fear. She lived with her dad and bro for a time but after that, she couldn’t wait to scutter away from them. The inevitable parting didn’t leave her unscathed. The dad and the brother went to Canada but she chose to stay. The truth is, as a result she’d inflicted herself some damages, some easily rectified, the others, irreparable.

That girl was me.

But life did go on. Five years had passed since the day I walked out of my father’s house after telling him that I won’t ever be coming back (hay well, I came back). And 15 years after my mom left us leaving me at a loss.

My life, like what I’ve said before, is stereotyped. We all have our own stories and cross to bear after all. These lives only differ in terms of how they were lived, being lived, and is going to be live and how they handle their stumbling blocks or stepping stones, and most importantly, how they use their lot of life.

In my case, I was momentarily blinded. Living my life in terms of the past. It was like falling asleep for years and waking up wondering what had happened to my life. Oh, not fell asleep as in Sleeping Beauty waiting for her Prince to come and do his cue. But it was living a life uncaring and unthinking of tomorrow. I used to ask myself, “What’s the use of studying? What for? When no one seemed to care if I did!” What for indeed? It was stupid and I knew it but I chose to be blind anyway. I didn’t stop to ask myself why not. I guess I just enrolled in a school to absolve my guilty conscience. Then I would tell myself, ‘I wish I stayed 7 years old.’

Although in retrospect, if I remained as I were, I realized that I would never grow, I would never learn. It is unnerving, how people would step into our lives and change us forever. It could be a good change, or a bad one that it could leave you scarred for life. Changes that could obliterate your reasoning and your line of thinking. But then, what’s being rational got to do with feelings/emotions? I’ve certainly learned some hard lessons (and facts in life) the hard way and I’m not about to forget them. I was young, I still am, and I lacked the judgment of an adult. But then again, it was harder for youngsters to hold on to life when all their idealisms and hopes and dreams are being shattered right in front of their own unblinking eyes. When people around them were not what they seemed to be. It made them wonder if there are such things as love, fairness, justice, truths, rights, and sometimes, God. And then sometimes we thought everything’s all right already; we believe it so badly we could taste it, only to be faced with stark, lurid truths in life. Leaving us just the same. I had it all, idealism, enthusiasm, hopes, and dreams. Then, and now.

When I came to my senses, I only had myself to scold, and blame, yes, but also to understand. It was wrong of me to forget my plans and give up my dreams and hopes. What was it that a poet had said? “To be without dreams is to be without hope, to be without hope is to be without purpose.” I know now what I want: I want to be a part of a bigger world. A world other than mine.

Sometimes I have this gnawing feeling that my dreams are impossible and hopeless to carry out. But I try to set aside those feelings because I believe in chances, however slim those chances are. And I try to set aside fears and miseries. If we have fears, as in fear of making mistakes (and repeating them) and fear of taking risks, we will never learn how to be brave. They simply are not the stuffs wherein life are made of. I try to set aside these feelings because I believe that something wonderful could happen in this life too. But most importantly, I believe in my dreams because I believe that fairy tales do come true, fairy tales like Cinderella stories, and we all know that Cinderella stories always have happy endings...

Someday, I'll have my own hapy ending.. Someday...

mindless!

I am in the bottomless pit, trying to climb pass the jagged walls of frustrations and inequities. I live in a cycle.... A circle. I go round and round, endless with my pursuits... not really knowing where I am going. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I don't know what to do. Expectations just smother me, they constrict my sense of freedom!

Life, it seems, has hovered me with the dark clouds of perplexity. I am trapped in a mirage, confused with meaningless quests. I dared to be different, only ending up like fool. Clutter. I am that word. Satiated with smog and contaminated with toxicity. I am waiting for nothing. Embarking on a venture leading nowhere. I am loving no one, except my own misery. My home is so far away. Tears dripping. No one sees. No one hears. I live in my own sanitarium, safely tucked in the devil's embrace. I scream for salvation. I shout for my sanity. Can't anybody hear me? Can't anybody tell?

You! Yes, YOU! Better leave me alone. You have no room here. I am all locked up. I feel safe in my own desolation. Why bother with all the nuisance? Do you search for answers? Trust me, all you will ever get are questions. Why deprive yourself with me? I am empty. You will gain nothing. Aren't you aware? I am unreal... masked with uncertainty; hidden in the facade of false pretenses.

I am forever lost. Death is interminably a gaping part of my loom. Maybe that is the tonic for my pain; the remedy for my anguish.

Somebody save me from this abyss!

Stuck in dumb days!

I know.. This is another post for today but I can't help it. I'm bored and listless and am just trying to pry myself to sleep. Tsk!

I am 25 years old. And days from now,I'll be having my birthday again. Not much to it. I hate the feeling of getting old. People would ask me this brainless question, 'So, how does it feel to now that it's you've turned a year older?' Duh!!!!! I feel like a year older! So what else is new? People grow old and they die. Then maggots feed on your rotting carcass while you turn into dust. Hard facts of life, eh? Well, you just need to make the most out of your life while you have it. Live with it, dude!

Today is January 13. Not that am so conscious about what date is today but then there's just nothing inside this void brain of mine that I can think of... yeah, don't curse me for revealing a fact that when you're brain gets so full of bits and pieces of scraps, all you could do is stare at the nothingness unable to let loose of the single thread of sanity you're consumed with...

Right now I am struggling to find the reasons for living. I'm 25 and I feel like 60! My 20's in a capsule? Hmmmm.... I don't know what I've accomplished. I've got zero to brag about.

You see, life is not like the 'monkey see, monkey do' concept. It doesn't work that way. You learn on your own. You have got to find your own niche in this world. You have to be loud to be heard by the majority and to be understood. I've been screaming all my life. I'm tired. But it seems that no one hears me. It's partly my fault. I seldom allow people to permeate through me. Don't be fooled by the clean-handed exterior. It's just a front. If you must know, I'm all broken up inside. Behind the warm smiles and emphatic laughter is a dismembered soul. This is primarily the reason why I am not ready to commit in a serious relationship yet. I'm empty and I've got nothing to offer. Know what I mean?

I don't know what is wrong with me. People, with the cleanest of intentions, would advise me that I need to look at the bright side of life and to just trust God. Do you think I don't know that crap? Please don't insult my intelligence. I am not that futile. I used to long for death. I used to pray for the eternal sleep; just dissappear on the brink of oblivion. I feel that my life is totally wasted. But now, I am trying to enforce on myself a much positive outlook on life. I need to be in the presence of positive people for me not to wallow in my concocted misery. Damn, why can't I just be free?

For the past couple of days, I feel stupid. A friend of mine told me that I'm smart. Yeah right! Tell that to the fishes! I guess I'm feeling this way because.... because... I dunno... Well, you can't help but feel shitty at times.. Feeling like a piece of garbage!

I will be 25 soon and I am still stuck in the dumb days. I should have learned my lessons by now but I guess I'm still playing stupid. Someday, I shall free myself from all these horse shit.

PUHLLLEZZZ!!! I need to be free!

Kingdom of they Who Choose to be Blind!

Know what they say about chivalry? That it's dead? Well, activism suffered the same fate too. In this part of the City, at least. In the own company that I work with.

Was talking to "F" earlier and he gave me his sentiments on how rotten and evil the promotion in his department is. I share the same sentiments. Not because I suffered the same fate (he applied for a position that was not given to him for reasons he couldnt take. What's worse is the person who got hired is an "incompetent freak" who just "smiles her away on a task left undone!" That irked him more and he can't help but rant to the point of him wanting to pull out his banners and start an uprising... (woooohoooooo)

Anyways, where our society is continually plagued by social and political scandals, where national and world crisis don't just dominate TV screens but infiltrate our very homes and personal lives (despite our lack of consciousness about it), one would think that being under all these circumstances would rouse, well, more than mild reaction to say the least.

That activism and rebellion are the same IS A MISCONCEPTION. Proactive individuals know that to react does not necessarily entail taking to the streets to rage rebellion. The weight of our company's distress calls not for quick fixes but for wise, incorruptible, and competent governance, and too much radicalism and activism would only rock the boat even harder; whereas too little of those would be like handing the remote to the control freak.

Proactive individuals know that to react means more than just to grasp in shock (while the couches our bums are sitting on, absorb all the shcok). To react would be to get that bump and drag it outdoors to do a little clipping and pulling of the backyard weeds. It's not exactly saving the world, but then again how exactly do we expect to save the world when we can't even keep our backyards safe?

Well, we are in a setting where the seat of activism is not felt. But for me, this does not indicate that there is nothing left to complain about because we are aware that the company that we're all connected with is far from perfect. Protests and elaborate complaints do not abound as much as they do in other companies but there are still whispered and whimpered complaints nontheless to which the company's computers and walls bear mute witness, because let's face it, it's human nature to pick. Obviously, there is a lack of reaction and feeling. It's like throwing a stone into the lake and seeing no ripples in effect. There is something disgruntling about it.

It's apathy in all it's new found glory. Trivial and consequential matters have placed issues and rights in many people's books. Complaints seemingly fall on deaf ears. Needs remain unattended yet again, it might be that our kings themselves are the ones who choose to be so indiffirent and apathetic. The vast majority of employees opt to just zip their mouths. Or maybe since activism is very much frowned upon and there have been no moves to address the plight of some, they have simply grown numb. Either way is just as bad.

Yeah, things sometimes are given casual regard and passive indifference! Reasons could be becaue people are already tired of the seemingly vicious cycle we are in. Appearing unperturbed seems to be the national mantra.

The flippant attitude of employees and the tolerance of the company has for it are but projections of what little we desire we have to create change and how often we hand over the remote to the control freak. And in this institution where remote freaks take the form of authorities who create their own complicated processes, apathy is tantamount to plotting our own slow demise. There is utter blindness to what goes on right under our noses! We dream of preopelling ourselves out into what we call the real world,but we have so little care of what goes on in our very own place.

The weeds are already particularly tall in out backyard. The backyard is the first place to start trimming. And to the backyard we shall go.