Leaders: Born or Made?

The issue about the characteristic of someone who was born dwells on the subject of nature. And “Natural,” by definition extends to all that occurs along the laws of nature. It would just be logical then to claim that leaders are not natural. More than that, a leader is not born a leader because if the case were the other way around, it would be possible then to characterize “leadership pregnancies” or leadership diets for mothers and such other frivolous and absurd terms.

A leader, I reckon, arises because of human conditions – due to the needs of human to socialize and inevitably fall into a pattern of social organization, because this organization needs to be facilitated and because we know that it needs a governing body. All these arise because our social nature dictates us to cause them to do so… not because the autonomous function of our biological makeup dictates us to fall into this order.

Because such an order arises and everyone is assumed to be concerned with the survival of the organization in which his survival of the organization entirely depends, a tendency for the members to struggle is consequent. The interplay of the members in turn create a call for someone who is more skillful in dragging them to the betterment of their status.

But then again, it can be argued that we are all born leaders because everyone has the opportunity to become leaders. The only requirement to achieving that is through training. And what is the best training? How we handle our own respective lives. We all lead our lives. If we govern our thoughts and decisions correctly, then we will have a life towards positivity. This is a good sign of great leadership – when ourselves were governed by us constructively. Thus, it is just right to spread the positivity, progress and betterment that we have. To be a part of a certain group of people and indoctrinate them with these learnings.

I believe that we are all born leaders but this belief is boxed inside where the context of possibilities arise. Genuine leadership requires being molded into it. Marcos was not born to be a leader. He was born a wise man that is. He used his knowledge to govern and he became successful. If he weren’t educated well and remained illiterate, he would not have the qualities that people look for and he wouldn’t be elected as Philippine president for two terms. How about Andres Bonifacio? In his case, he doesn’t need to earn a degree just to hold his being the Supremo ng Katipunan. His courage and bravery catapulted him to such. If he wasn’t molded to acquire such characteristics and grew up to be timid, shy and easily frightened, he wouldn’t be a Supremo.

The emergence of leaders around us require many things. You don’t just get born and eventually lead. Possibility, yes. But the probability remains questionable until you have proven something.

Requiescat in Pace

We are the sleep-deprived people. We work while the rest of the Philippines is dozing off. To put it bluntly, we are comparable to vampires, nocturnal creatures that prowl by night and slumber when the sun rises. It can be a vicious cycle to live by day in and day out. For the unfortunate many, they don’t have the stamina to live this kind of lifestyle. We see people come and go all the time. Death is interminably a gaping part of the loom. Suffice it to say, resignations are not a shocker at all.

Aside from the nocturnal existence, the job creates impulses, which trigger pressure points. On our 8-hour shift, we put our ass on the hot seat. We are the pawns of the 1-800 world.

We are called by various names. Customer Service Representatives. Call Center Agents. The worst label I got was from an irate caller who described me as a “f*ck*ng telephone operator”. (I took calls for more than 4 years, you know.) Talk about the sensitivity of a linoleum! That was an episode that made me grit my teeth.

The concurrence of a very powerful technology puts reps, into the oppression line. Customers call for one apparent reason: to have their problems resolved. They expect results. They want reps to deliver them the good news. We are, more or less, their salvation army.

With this hodge-podge at hand, some calls are badly intertwined in the sadistic psyche. Some callers expect so much from us yet in the end it turns out that expectations were not met. Thus come dead-end calls.

In a split second, callers morphed into vicious diablos that spit scorching hot fire from the other end. This is where the saga of an irate caller begins. (For those who have received calls like these let me hear you say AMEN!)

This consequently has perverse effects. Customers can be so damn insensitive and tactless at times. They can be so intellectually challenged more often than not (just being politically correct here).

I have witnessed agents on the floor fall from grace under pressure. Others crack and break. Fellas, this should not be the case. With all the tête-à-tête about delivering excellent customer service and improving call handling skills (which I have no objections to), there are just callers who don’t get the picture. Can we summon up the courage to inform them they they’re just playing dumb? These people make me want to get a knife and shove it into their thick skull to let them understand that their issue is a hopeless case. No matter what you do, there will be people who will disapprove of it. We cannot please everyone so it is foolish to even try. It is time-consuming and energy draining.

In as much as we cater to the concept of universal tolerance, we have no choice but to join the bandwagon for resilience. We got to admit that without these bad calls it would definitely cut the zest for innovations and challenge. A rep's life would be like a smooth flat road — safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. Besides, this is basically the nature of the business and of the job.

The more the bowstring is pulled back, the faster the arrow will fly. The more we are pushed back by these irate callers, the more potential we can develop for moving forward and developing our craft.

Let us learn the good side of every bad call. It would be highly practical for us to grow a thick skin and learn to appear unperturbed, always maintaining our composure. Detachment is the key here. These callers are hundreds and thousands of miles away from us. Never let their verbal daggers get the better of us. We know more than they ever will. We have been armed with the knowledge and skills instilled through rigorous months of training. They are calling for help and not the other way around. We are their messiahs!

This is, of course, a rhetorical concept. But whether or not it’s destined or not, but boon and not bane, we can opine that our fate is in our hands.

Our job is to help. Customers may not always be right but they should be treated rightly. Under the moon and the stars, we prowl the night not to look for prey, but to bear the torch that will guide them from being prey themselves. Sounds cheesy but true. Make sense? Just catch the drift, will yah?!

weapon of mass destruction

I just had the funniest conversation with a supervisor here at the office via sms. Funny how this guy drives me nuts with his witty antics. We would talk about anything under the sun - from the way he wears his hair to how I cut my nails. Our topic earlier revolved around the word 'Septic Tank‘. He ennumerated employees with a weapon of mass destruction: halitosis or in layman’s term, bad breath and I just can't help myself but laugh the whole time.

So out of curiousity and of course for reputation's sake, I asked him if my breath smelled bad. (haha! It pays to ask you know!) I felt relieved that he said "No! Otherwise I wouldnt be talking with you about this stuff, crazy! " I would probably slash my throat with a knife if he bluntly gave me a "yes!".

I value conversation. I just love exchanging ideas with someone; pick his or her brains out and we could both immerse in an intellectual intercourse (nothin sexual, ayt? Tehee!). But it is just so dreadful when you start to notice that there is a gross and abominable odor coming from the person you’re speaking with. That just stinks! And it’s frightening since you have to bear with the smell of a rotting carcass from your friend’s mouth. Ewwwww! How bad can it get? That’s just depressing, ya’ll!

Please go get a vacuum and shove it down your throat. I’m bad, I know… so sue me!

train full of thoughts

I have been staring at the monitor for a good few minutes, but still i have not written down anything logical. My mind is not totally blank as it usually is. It's just unfortunate that, I can't write anything down. Well, that usually happens anyway. But, alas, when I'm on a jeepney or on the way somewhere, thoughts just start jumping around in my head and I have no way of jotting them down! Has nobody invented some sort of mind reader thingy that can type down thoughts as they come? It would have been so sad to let those thoughts go into waste. hehehe.... But having a mind ready thingy would be downright freaky, just the same.One of my friends wants me to take up German speech lessons. Just for kicks, she said. Blame it on my blurting out on how she wished I could understand German so that we can talk and nobody would understand us --- at least those who don't understand Deutsch wouldn't.

L's comment made me remember this funny (and oh so embarassing) incident that happened when I was with a gay friend. We were in line in an ice cream place and before us was this young mother with a few weeks old baby boy on her arm. My friend, being the observant lady that she is, pointed out to me that her breasts were just too darn big. Of course, my friend said these in gay lingo thinking that the girl wouldn't understand what she said.

Tired of discussing somebody's breasts even though the person was in front of us, I said something to my friend, still in gay lingo, about the baby's hair being so abundant. That's when the lady turned and asked if we were talking about her baby's hair. Turned out that she understood the language perfectly well. (kauwaw!)

That taught us not too assume that those around us wouldn't understand what we are saying. hehehe... But i'm still contemplating on ther german speech lessons though. Maybe for a change, once i learn how to speak Deutsch, L and I can talk about my gay friend without him understanding a word.

haha.... wicked!

...

Hello! I know it's been a couple of days since my last post. I have been very busy with stuff. I've got tons of problems to attend to and solutions have been very elusive lately.

What's new with me? I've been really thinking lately. I mean really thinking hard about things, places and events. I figured, I've got to start the year right and that there are things that needs to be resolved really.

"S" has been giving me a hard time lately. Or should I say, I have been giving myself a pretty hard time with him. Don't get me wrong. Things are really over. There's no point or need turning back but then again, I can't and will always not be able to control over my emotions. Figuratiely speaking, I am having difficulty letting the whole thing with him go. The sad thing is, I pretend to be okay when I' around people because I know it's what's appropriate but hey, I cant be pretentious all the time. I am still hurting and eventhough how hard I try to suppress the way I way, It shows in how I deal with people around me. I know there are a lot of things to concentrate on rather than focus on how I feel towards him but hey, I must admit that when it's my emotions involved, the whole world stops. :p

Why am I ranting? He hasn't been responding to my texts since Friday and it is really not him. I know... I know... It is paranoia on the works but hey, you can't blame me. or may be it's just me who is expecting so much from him? or maybe the whole idea of him and me has consumed me so much that I've literally built my world around him? Either way, I still wonder and I am affected.. Seriously!

Got people from Chase to visit the site and we're a bit pressured. "First impressions last", they all say so we're kinda obliged to do better. It's different when our jobs are on the line, you know. Whew! I'm crossing my fingers they'd really make a good impression on us. I mean we've (training team) have been religiously working our ass off in preparation for their visit. There's the wearing of three inches heels while wiping dust off our cupboards and taking off posters while on make up. It's not a good sight to look at but hey, twas fun and it makes me appreciate those people cleaning the rooms for us everyday. :) So to all of you reading this post, please help me pray for the client visit to be successful. :) We went through hell and back for this.

I'll keep you posted for more things to happen. The year of the ox didnt give me a good start and I believe if I allow this to go on and on, I might drag myself to the bottomless pit my the middle of the year. So now, am hitching my wagons to the stars, trying to search for greater heights!

Laws and MIRC

I was really bored last Saturday that I decided to hit a coffee shop with my laptop and surf my heart out. After hours of surfing, I decided to open Mirc and have fun. When I say "fun" I would mean going to #cebu and type "any sensible men, message me." I do this because I find it amusing to talk to strangers who can speak their mind. Believe me, it's fun. Although it's rare really that you'ld find sensible men to talk to in the IRC because most of which are just airheads who would want sex eye balls. Duh! And I find it also fun because I get to pretend someone else. Like I would say I'm a fast food crew, a sales lady, a call center agent or even a construction worker just looking around and killing time. Anways, after seconds, one stray soul messaged. Handle was "RatPack". He said he was 28 and works as a legal assistant somewhere. I didnt beieve really the facts he gave about him but in fairness, he was smart. He read a lot and mentioned books that I was also interested in. This time, I pretended I was a student taking up Political Science in some university. I assumed the role because I thought it would make a strong topic. And I was not wrong. We talked for 3 hours and it plainly revolved around the law and how unfair it is especially if it already involves women and sex. :) No, it wasn't a dirty conversation if I may say. :p He bade goodbye after 3 hours because he had an urgent thing to do but before he left he asked for my number because according to him (verbatim to wit) "I'll call you one of these days so we can have coffee together and talk. You seem to be a very smart and interesting person. Pretty please?" His moronic pleas didn't succeed. :)

Anyways, speaking of the laws I was talking about, I thought I'd share 10 things I know that might come in handy to you. These are facts from the laws of the Philippine Republic to help your sexual activities legal. I got exposed to these stuff because I got so engrossed with my Philippine COnstitution subject in college. My teacher (Mr. Alfredo Ticong) was one hell of a smart guy and if he wasn't married, I would have stalked him and begged my ass off just to be his girlfriend. :p Here goes:

1. We all know having sex in a car parked in a public place is illegal, but just how illegal? Sex within public view is illegal enough to get you and your lover a month to half a year in prison.
2. Rape is committed by a man having intercourse with a woman in any of the following circumstances, namely: a) through force, threat or intimidation; b) when the offended party is deprived of reason; c) by means of fraudulent machination or abuse of authority; or finally, as mentioned earlier d) when the offended party is below twelve years old. Letter B leads us to ask if having sex with a drunk woman (who has not passed out) can be considered rape. The answer lies in the case of State vs. Lung, wherein the court held that "where the consent is induced by the administration of drugs or liquor, which incites her passions but does not deprive her of her will power, the accused is NOT guilty of rape." So guys, as long as the gin pomelo with betsin you gave her has not deprived her of reason, having sex with her is not rape.
3. Republic Act No. 8353, which took effect on October 22, 1997 amended the Revised Penal Code and declared that the crime of rape can be committed by both male and female. Women commit rape by jamming any instrument or object into another person's genital or anal orifice under the same circumstances as normal rape.
4. Under Article 247 of the Revised Penal Code a husband or wife who catches his or her spouse in the act of having sexual intercourse with another person and who kills or injures either of them or both will not go to jail. The said article punishes the killer of a penalty called "destierro" which is somewhat like a restraining order.
5. Under the same article, parents who kill the seducers of their daughters (who are living with them and are below 18 years old) immediately after catching or surprising them in the act of having sexual intercourse will not go jail but will suffer the mere penalty of destierro.
6. In the case of People vs. Saylan, the Court imposed a higher penalty than that ordinarily prescribed for rape when the accused committed rape in the dog style. The manner in which the crime was committed was seen as an aggravating circumstance which consequently, increased the penalty.
7. To charge a married woman of adultery, the husband need only prove that the wife has had sexual intercourse with another man at least once. Adultery carries a penalty of 2 years 4 months and 1 day to 6 years. On the other hand, to charge a married man of concubinage, the wife has to prove either: a) that the husband has kept the mistress in the conjugal dwelling; b) that he has had sexual intercourse with the mistress under scandalous circumstances; or c) that he has cohabited with her in any other place. Therefore, a single act of sexual intercourse by a married man does not constitute any crime. In addition, concubinage compared to adultery, carries only a penalty of 6 months and 1 day to 4 years and 2 months.
8. If you are planning to have sex with a woman of good repute who is under 18 but over 12, do not induce her to submit to your lustful desires by promising her marriage. If you do this, you open yourself to a charge of simple seduction which is punishable by 1 to 6 months in jail.
9. Touching a woman's breast without her consent constitutes either the crime of Acts of Lasciviousness or Unjust Vexation depending on the man's intentions and the circumstances surrounding the act. If it is done with lewd designs, the crime is acts of lasciviousness. This carries the penalty of 6 months and 1 day to 6 years in prison. If however the touching was done only to vex or spite the girl, the offense is unjust vexation. Unjust vexation equates to 1 day to 1 month in prison.
10. The rule in number 9 is different if the touching was done in a theater. Touching your date's tits in a movie theater against her objections is always an act of lasciviousness. Lustful intentions are presumed.

Hay! See how unfair the law is to us women especially if we talk about adultery and concubinage? Tsk! I know, I could be mouthy at times but who cares? The fact that I have say at least 9 mouths forming a one - woman conference gives me all the right to rant. :)

blogs and issues

I have been staring at my monitor for 5 minutes now and I can't seem to write down anything sensible. I have random thoughts in my brain that i can't seem to organize. This is what you get for reporting to work and you've got nothing to do. I mean we are supposed to prepare the rooms and do some shredding but we aren't starting yet so here I am doodling my way on the keyboard while Jib is busy with his PSP. His sudden outbursts of "Hoi buang!... Naunsa!" and other jibberish stuff make me turn my head in awe as to how such a small thing as the PSP can turn you into a freak. (peace, Jib!)

Anyways, "what are your reasons for blogging?" Somebody once asked me.

Though the thought of having total strangers get into the inner workings of my mind scares the living daylights out of me, I still continue to blog. Though I know how I live my life or how my thoughts could be against others, I still do. Simply because I do this for my self. My own reasons. My own outlet to my angst. I blog because I need to. It's not so much because I want to generate pings or what not. I write because I don't know how else I could deal with these thoughts.

Now tell me what are your reasons for blogging?

personalities and Sex and the City

When the series started to grow like mushroom, most of my friends recommended Sex and the City but I never really entertained the thought of watching it until earlier. My friend gave me a DVD of the movie and I chose to watch it rather than wasting all my time with the series. God, Id rather get hooked with CSI than such chick flick! (no offense to the fans!)

In fairness, it wasnt as bad as it seemed to be so when he was online earlier, we had a short discussion. He flat out said that she's a Carrie. That made me think. Who the hell am I then?I remember that in my psychology class, we discussed about the Johari Window and it's four quadrants - Arena, Facade, Blind and Unknown.

Well... My friend views me as a Charlotte. (I know! You need not raise your eyebrows. I also contest!) Why? Beats the living daylights out of me. She said that i'm like this innocent sweetest lil thing. Okay, whatever... whatever. Like she'd never imagine I have this wild streak when it's full moon and I have a drink on one hand. :p

But I've always been a Carrie to myself. I tend to act so certain of myself on certain days, and not so certain at others. I always seem to want to live life to the fullest, not wanting to look back and deal with the what ifs and the what could have beens. I then exhaust all possible means, wanting to know the deal deal with every lil thing. This actually gets me in trouble the most. What can i say... I'm a thinker.

Itend to act like Miranda to others. I tend to analyze and I try so hard not letting my emotional boO-hOo crap slip out... But they eventually do. I tend to act so cool on the outside not wanting just anybody to get past my defenses. Well... you get the picture.

Only when I have alcoholic drinks on my hand do I become Samantha. That and if it was a full moon. Those two have to happen at the same time. On or the other won't do. So it's safe to say that my Samantha side almost never gets to see the outside world. But she's free to roam in my imagination.

So there. hmm... makes you think I'm a freakish confused person, don't yah? I've got more personalities than I can handle, I think. hehehe...

resolutions and possibilities

"I do think New Year's resolutions can't technically be expected to begin on new year's day, don't you? Since, because it's an extension of New Year's eve, smokers are already on a smoking roll and cannot be expected to stop abruptly on the stroke of midnight with so much nicotine in the system. Also dieting on new year's day isn't a good idea as you can't eat rationally but really need to be free to consume whatever is necessary, moment by moment, in order to ease your hangover. I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions began generally on January the second." - Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones's Diary

So what would be on your list this year? I never actually worked on my resolutions until last year. I figured, it wouldn't do me harm to actually try to stick to improving myself... So there. Looking back, i'm actually proud of what i've become. It's not much, but it's been a struggle. Just emotional issues, mostly.

It's a new year. it just makes me smile thinking of the possibilities. How about you? have you found a reason to smile for the coming 365 days?

wut the heck!

It's all over the news and I can't help but react to this incident. Politicians nowadays have become waywardly appalling and I can't just believe the fact that power can turn you into a monster - a vicious diablo!

What right has someone to just maul and hurt people paying for almost everything that he and his family has? Has Nasser Pangandaman and his son forgotten the fact that because of Delfin dela Paz' and the rest of the people's taxes, he is living a comfortable life? Overwhelmed with power and authority,ei? Well here are two words for you:

FUCK YOU!!!

This just proves how rotten the world really is; how cowardice brings out the most evil side of humans; how greed to obtain power only to trample upon the weak comes out in situations like this. To put it bluntly, it's abuse of power. These people do not have the right to have a position in the government--these people don't deserve to be called "servant leaders".

In this country where the "power of the government no longer emanates from the people," I still hope justice will be served.

this one's for _ _ _ _!

The more I know about your darkness, your weaknesses, your not so saintly thoughts, who you are when no one is looking or listening or reading, the more I'm drawn. The more I am endeared to you. It's me. I have an affinity for the broken. The things that are not yet whole, once were or merely pieced together to have the semblance of normalcy. Because I belong to that lot. Sometimes, I'm glued in so perfectly that none would be the wiser. But I know better. I know.

I know of perfection. And it doesnt apply to me. Because no matter how I scrub the insides,lint sticks in unreachable corners. Some have marched on to the higher levels and I'm happy for them. They deserve to be happy yet have chosen to stay with me 'til I turn out. They could have moved on but here they remain.

And I'm choosing to stay for you.

Let's grow together!

shit happens, ayt?

I think sometimes when we get so focused on the things that go on around us, we forget about the others. The others being, 1) things could be much worse, 2) change will inevitably happen, and 3) there are other much important things than our work, or those people who cannot accept where we are right now.

After going through all the pain and tough shit, I've realized that it's useless to fight back, but it's useless to give up as well, there's no point in arguing, or trying to prove to people that you've done nothing wrong, or thinking and worrying about what will the outcome be next. At the end of the day, all we can do is just make do with what we have. Enjoy the moment, despite it being crap, the moment will pass, and when it does, as long as you've got nothing to hide, you'll have your moment of 'I told you so'. You get to go through everything only once, don't let other people ruin it for you. aftr all, shit happens to everyone, ayt?

Leave

...If I could leave this world

I want to leave this world

At least just for awahile...

One of the best decisions I made this 2008 is when I chose to buy a laptop. I can give you a litany of reasons why I am so happy with me getting it but for now, what's number one on my list is the fact that for as long as it's with me, I can sit down and write my thoughts anytime and anywhere. I'm not really a fabulous writer but I know I can write. And usually, my streams of consciousness is often found in the pieces of thoughts I put together in my blogs. Seriously, I find it convenient to just open my laptop, click NOTEPAD and type my emotions away. Darn, it feels so good getting one! :)

Having spent the whole holiday season sleeping or strutting the malls, I decided to change course. I decided to go on an adventure. I grabbed my laptop, enough money and headed to the nearest convenient store to buy somethin to eat on my way. It's almost 6pm and I've decided to go to TOPS. It's one place you can find serenity and clear your thoughts... What a perfect place to write!

So here I am looking at the scenic view right infront of my eyes. The lights are flickering. It's windy and cold up here. The sky is already dark and there are no stars tonight. Even from up here, I can still see the cars passing by below. I stood in the railing feeling the cold wind, looking back at the many nights I spent here thinking of what my life has been. I leaned over and closed my eyes. I then started thinking of how fragile the human body really is and one jump from where I am now, one fall to the hard ground, one break of the neck and skull, that's all it would take to kill me. It would only take about a minute to end everything. One minute and I could forget everything. I wouldn't feel pain anymore. I could rest. (evil grin)
I wonder if I would feel anything when I hit the ground. I wonder if my death will be slow or sudden. Will I be aware that I'm dead? What would I feel? Where would I go? Will I wake up into a new world? Or will I just sleep forever? I wish I would just sleep forever.

I opened my eyes and looked up in the sky. I wonder if my family will miss me? Will they cry in my funeral? Will they be angry with me? Will my parents blame themselves for my death? I laugh because I know that they would only be embarrassed. They would only blame me for shaming them again.

I turned around and looked, looking for something to hold on to. I searchd for something to stop me from doing what I have been contemplating for the past months. But I really don't know what I'm looking for. I really don't know what will make me stay.

I turned back to the railing. I feel the wind and the cold. I lean over feeling the darkness already engulf me. As I lean over, I wonder again how fragile the human body is. I think how easy it is to end everything.

Will I feel anything when I hit the ground?

P.S

I know this is crazy and I realized it's not healthy to be alone in such a conducive place! :) Off to the city again! :)

Merry Christmas!!!

Went home quarter past seven in the morning. Was pretty tired with the whole year – end meeting session with the trainers in Manila. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t as tiring as it was supposed to because all we did was talked and laugh and stuff like that. What made it so stressful was the fact that our new members made it so difficult for us (well at least that’s how I felt). They don’t tell you straight that they were just forced to join the team but how they acted, how they answered questions and how they carried themselves the whole time during the meeting gave substantial proof that they were not comfortable. It appeared to me that we have deliberately uprooted them from their comfort zones. Well, life’s like that. We deal with changes. And although I don’t really believe that the only permanent thing in this world is change because there’s death and taxes, but believe me, the training team is their best option. It may take time for them to discover the gold hidden among the ores but believe me, ‘tis worth the time. *sigh*

I was supposed to go to sleep immediately however I decided to go with Sherl and Bang to do their last minute Christmas shopping. We went past the busy street of Osmena Blvd to check on the Sinulog shops and perhaps grab some things to buy for ourselves and others. After the walk, we ate at a “ponkers” somewhere in Sanciangko and man; I almost vomited due to over eating. After the scrumptious meal, we went to Plaza fair and checked on the variety of knick – knacks found in the shops. We dropped by this candle shop that had a very irate Chinese owner who lambasted her employees with rants and verbal daggers. I got so pissed with how she treated her employees that if it were not for Sherl and Bang’s strong grip on my hands, I would have bought the fight and slapped that abnormal – looking owner right on her face. The nerve of her to treat them with so much disrespect and humiliation! Maka stress ha!Last stop was at a nearby ukay – ukay. Unfortunately, I didn’t find anything worth my time so we parted ways since Bang’s gonna be working by 8pm. I went to Metro and bought something to eat for the night. The Christmas rush was killing me. The grocery was puking with people and I hated the fact that I had say Php300 worth of groceries in my grocery basket while the rest of the people were like buying loads for Noche Buena. The Good thing though is this time, I didn’t cry. Maybe I got saturated that I’ve learned to compartmentalize things. I went out of the grocer past 3pm. I placed the grocery bag on top of my table and hit the sack. I woke up 1am. Yeah, I slept my heart out and didn’t bother celebrating Christmas with the rest of the world. :)

Was it a Merry Christmas? Duh!

My ears have been bombarded by this song from East17 called "Each Time". Boredom was my new friend and so all I could do was listen to music and reminisce. No sleep for this fair maiden. Every moving color, every intricate detail seemed to move me with renewed beauty. "I'm alive again," I secretly uttered. Content was in the air. And so, I flew. And I remember asking my dear readers, "why do we cry"? During my time of distraught, I asked the fleeting question. Waking moments during ungodly hours of the night, full of reveries -- fear, melancholy and then misery. I thought of forgetting. I thought of digging up a hole and burying the desparity that left this soul scarred and calloused like a wearry wench. But despair is never without glee when there is acceptance. And so I taught myself to accept. Numbness at first but everything started to fall into place after much hardship.

At the moment, let me re-iterate the question. What makes us smile? When we smile, do we not fear that it will only last for a few milliseconds before it disappears into oblivion, forgotten, and never mentioned again? Do we smile because it's for free, knowing that everything in this world costs something? I'm such a fool. I'm such a fool. In this little world, there will always be rich and poor. Rich in gifts. Poor in gifts. Rich in love. Poor in love. Always something to envy our neighbors about. Always something there to appropriate. And it's never enough. Sigh! Maybe this is not for me. Maybe love is not for me. I'm too afraid. I know that I should not torment myself with such cruel contemplations. But this is me. This is human. * Hah! I started thinking again!